The Power Of Letting Go And How It Brought Me Closer To My Sister
The hardest things to do are often the most worth it.
When I was a kid I was kind of a nerd. I loved school. I lost myself in books. Was obsessed with anything with 4 legs. Didn’t have a lot of friends and loved to play by myself. My younger sister, on the other hand, was the essence of “cool”. Had loads of friends, was an all-star athlete, was a bit of a rebel… you know, what we thought was “cool” as kids.
Even though I was older, I wanted so badly to be close to her. My girlfriends were all close with their sisters. They hung out together all the time. Shared their deepest secrets. Had each other’s backs. It sounded amazing and I wanted it too.
But my sister and I were very different (as you could probably tell from my intro paragraph). We’re night and day. Apples and oranges. And no matter how hard I pushed towards her, she kept pulling away.
The wake up call
It took until I went away to school to realize that something needed to change. When I was gone she would send me messages about how much she missed me, and wanted to hang out when I was home. I’d get excited, set my expectations high and daydream of bike rides to get ice cream, watching our favorite movies together, and heart-to-hearts about life.
But I always got let down. She’d make other plans with friends, not be present when we were together and not want to talk about anything at all. I was putting so much energy into a relationship that was giving me no energy back.
It was exhausting. And she seemed oblivious.
So I started to think about the fact that maybe we just aren’t meant to be close. Not all siblings are close… and that’s ok. You can still enjoy holidays and family times together. It just wasn’t what I imagined… and just that sucked.
The process
Once I started to step back from our relationship, I decided to call her out on her actions. “Call out” is a tad aggressive, but it was essentially what I did- I talked to her about how her actions (or lack of action) hurt me.
It did not go well.
No one had ever challenged her before. She was that girl in school that always had friends…. When one was mad she had 10 others to lean on. She didn’t fully appreciate what being a friend meant because she’d never had to. The complete opposite experience to me.
But this conversation started the shift.
The rewards
It took some time but slowly our relationship changed. The combination of me managing my emotions and her being (a bit) more aware of her actions made spending time together better. And over time it only got better over time.
The lesson? That letting go isn’t giving up. It’s not quitting on a relationship for good. It’s a sort of pause… like a I love you but not right now sorta thing.
But my stepping back allowed us to grow independently and start to see each other for who we were instead of who we wanted the other to be.
Letting go is so freakin’ hard. And it’s scary. It’s the risk of losing someone or something. But isn’t taking that chance worth it if you get to an even better place and stronger relationship?
It was for me. And about 20 years later I have the relationship with my sister I always hoped for and know she feels the same.
I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
