When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder I was in denial and very ashamed.

The biggest thing I hated was that I had a chronic illness that wouldn’t go away; something that I would have to deal with and manage my whole life.

I was very angry and I resented the doctors that gave me this diagnosis and I resented the medications I had to take daily and I resented the therapist I had to continually visit.

I was mad because I couldn’t handle things like everyone else. Stress was a big trigger for me and caused mania and depressive episodes.

I was mad because small things were big issues for me.

While I was so angry and resentful I was also relieved because there was a reason life seemed so much harder and more intense for me.

These mood swings and ups and downs and feeling like I had different personalities was because my brain functioned differently.

I wasn’t crazy.

Even though I felt like something was wrong with me, I also knew that a lot of my problems and issues weren’t entirely in my control.

In high school and through my early twenties I would experience periods of hypomanic and manic symptoms where I was elated and excited and in a very good and ecstatic mood.

I would be very impulsive and exhibit risky behaviors using poor judgment, like speeding and reckless driving. I just seemed really upbeat and charismatic; the center of attention; the life of the party. I could be very funny and witty because my mind was going a mile a minute.

I seemed fun.

And I felt like everyone loved me. I felt very confident and very good about myself. I wanted to talk to everyone and I was up for anything.

I also had endless energy.

Then there were days where I wouldn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t want to be noticed, and I felt like I was moving and talking in slow motion.

I also felt very bad about myself.

And didn’t want to exist.

I felt like I wasn’t good at anything and no one liked me. I felt hopeless, like a burden, and a waste of space.

Overall, I felt like I was two different people.

When my hypomania would become more severe or I would become manic, I would become very irritable and every little thing would piss me off.

I would fly off the handle at a family member or a close friend if they said something that seemed accusatory to or critical of me.

I would become enraged at the smallest misunderstanding and say the most hurtful things.

Luckily, for other people not close to me, they didn’t see this side. I was at least able to control who I had an outburst with, but sadly my family and ex-boyfriends suffered and I’ll always feel bad about that.

I would feel so incredibly angry sometimes for no reason.

Then I’d end up crying out all the extra energy after an erratic outburst.

After an up or an angry period, I would swing back down to the depressive side of myself.

Sometimes it would just linger for a few weeks then I’d spike back up to Happyville, but on occasion it would linger for months and then I’d eventually get suicidal.

Describing this pattern is why my childhood psychologist thought I either had bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder.

Sometimes I still feel like there’s two of me; the happy-go-lucky, talkative, and confident me and the dull, boring, low self-esteem me.

It seriously feels like I have two personalities sometimes, which also makes it hard for me to trust my own thoughts and decisions. Those are the extremes.

When I am stable there is also the even-keeled “normal” me.

If I had my choice I’d be the hypomanic version of myself minus the anger and irritability where I’d never progress into mania because that’s a whole other set of extreme behavioral symptoms that once landed me in a hospital then in a behavioral rehabilitation center.

Being hypomanic feels really good. I’m productive, joyful, confident, friendly, happy, outgoing, busy, motivated, I feel more creative, and I set high goals for myself. I feel so good, like I can do anything.

It’s the ugly side with the intense anger, hyper sexuality, risky behavior, and then the full blown mania thats bad, which is why I can’t live in the hypomanic state and I have to remain medicated.

Since it feels so good, many people will actually go off their meds chasing that hypomania or manic high.

I did at one point and to be honest I’m always secretly hoping I’ll get a little hypomanic and it will stay under control and not get to a dangerous manic level.

At the same time if I feel like I am getting hypomanic I get concerned because mania is terrifying and last time I had a manic episode I was flirting with psychosis and extreme paranoia.

Do you ever feel like there’s two of you.

Does everyone feel like they have two or three personalities?

One part of me is a high achieving extrovert and the other part is a dim, quiet, shy, and mediocre feeling introvert.

When I’m functioning at a stable level I’m more of an introvert, but I can be outgoing and it’s not a problem.

It’s when my anxiety and the depression get together that it’s a different story.

I often wonder if people notice this about me. Do they notice that sometimes I’m excitable and smiley and really upbeat while other times I’m more quiet and reserved?

Do people even care?

I think people probably don’t even notice.

But I do know when my moods aren’t regulated and I’m on a mood swing rollercoaster, I feel like a crazy person and I feel out of control.

Now that I am older and have had some intense experiences with my illness, as well as many stable years, I am no longer angry or ashamed about my diagnosis.

I don’t have a problem sharing that I am bipolar. Usually people who have known me for years are surprised when I tell them and sometimes don’t believe me.

I’ve been lucky. My illness hasn’t completely uprooted or destroyed my life time and time again like it does for many people suffering with bipolar disorder.

You could say that my illness is less severe.

Some people have manic episodes that are triggered by one serving of alcohol or one sleepless night and some people have to have electroconvulsive therapy to treat their non-responsive depression.

I am lucky that this has not been my experience.

I am proof that although it is hard and confusing living with bipolar disorder, it is manageable.

You need a good support system, a trusted doctor, and realistic goals and ambitions.

You have to learn how to manage your stress or specific triggers.

I am proud of myself that I have learned a lot about what I need to do to stay stable.

I know I have limits and that’s okay.

I know I wouldn’t be capable of handling high stress or demanding jobs.

I use to be ashamed and feel bad about myself and feel like I wasn’t good enough or living to my fullest potential because I can’t do as much as someone else, but I have adapted my view and realize I have other strengths and it’s okay that I can’t handle certain things that “normal” people can.

In college I was embarrassed that I had to register with the disability office and was counted as a full time student with only 9 hours, but that was what I needed to have a fair shot at surviving the semester.

And that’s okay.

I didn’t think it was then, but I know it is now.

If you’re reading this , remember:

• We all have struggles.
• It’s okay to question yourself.
• Doing life differently is perfectly acceptable.
• We are all different.
• You matter.
• Love yourself most, even if you sometimes struggle to trust yourself.