I-We-It: A Framework To Have One Conversation at a Time

Meet conversational stuckness and tensions at the appropriate level, and put relationship ahead of task for clarity and ease in communications.

This piece is a collaboration between my Reboot coach colleagues Ray Foote, Andy Crissinger, and Chris VandenBrink.

Ever have a conversation that doesn’t seem to go anywhere? Oftentimes, we think we’re talking about one thing, but there are actually more unspoken parts happening in the conversation. In these instances, leaning in to voice concerns, share your perspective, or offer feedback can be tricky. In this post, we’ll introduce the I/We/It framework, and share how it can be utilized to tackle conversational tension and stuckness.

I-We-It

In any conversation, we can break up the vectors of meaning into three important parts — I-We-It. Using this framework can help unbraid a complex conversation by focusing on each individual part separately. The I/We/It framework is adapted from the work of Doug Stone and Sheila Heen from the Harvard Negotiation Project and authors of Difficult Conversations and Thanks for the Feedback.

First, let’s walk through the three individual levels:

1. I is your identity, self-concept, and how you feel about yourself.
2. We is the relational/emotional connection between parties, and how we feel about each other.
3. It is the data, the “thing” we’re talking about.

“In a conversation with two people, for example, at least four vectors are happening: two ‘I’s, one ‘We,’ and one ‘It,’” notes Ray Foote, Reboot Coach and Facilitator.

The idea here is that any time we’re in a conversation that matters, meaning flows on all three levels. When we get stuck, or there is conflict in a conversation and want to get unstuck, we need to start by reflecting on what’s happening on each of those levels and meet the stuckness at the appropriate level. A simple reflection question such as “on what level are we stuck?” can suffice to create enough pause for exploration or a different response.

Understanding “It”

In an organizational context, it’s easiest to talk about the “it.”

Take for example the question: “What feature should we prioritize in next week’s sprint?”

In Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People), author Amy Gallo organizes the “It” level into “tasks” which are the goals we’ve agreed upon accomplishing, and the “processes” which are the ways we’re going to work together to accomplish them. This can be a helpful way to further parse where we are getting stuck at the “It” level.

We can have differences of opinion and even argue about the right answer when stuck at the ‘It’ level. However, sometimes we can hammer away on the “It” when our stuckness is actually coming from one of the other levels: we or I.

“I think of those levels as residing below the waterline of the “iceberg” so to speak, whereas the “it” is above, easier to see,” notes Andy Crissinger, Reboot’s Director of Coaching.

Strategies for working with “It” stuckness include defining if the stuckness is about the task, the process, or both. Here is a good time to remember these tools for approaching this stuckness:

• get curious
• turn to inquiry
• remember the ladder of inference, which reminds us that we each see reality through the lenses of our own sense-making systems

If we can meet stuckness at the appropriate level, we can find a breakthrough in our conversations. Crissinger continues: “If I keep getting into an argument with my wife over whose turn it is to put the kids to bed, chances are it’s not about the ‘chore schedule’; there’s something else happening at the level of “We” that needs to be tended to.”

Turning Toward “We” and “I”

When in the thick of “We” stuckness, we often need to have a separate conversation where we explore the heart of what’s going on in the relationship.

Has there been a rupture in need of repair? Are there untested assumptions about the other person? Resist the temptation just to keep talking about the “It.”

When you put ‘relationship before task,’ it’s easier to face the “Its” in work and life. Sometimes, that requires really looking at what you’re bringing into the relationship from the ‘I’ perspective.

“The I-We-It framework is immensely useful for answering the question, ‘how are we stuck?’” notes Reboot Coach and Facilitator Chris VandenBrink. “Another question that can be really helpful to ask, especially at the “I” level is “why am I stuck?”’

The “I” level of stuckness is centered around identity, or ‘how I feel about myself.’ In many instances, this is where a great coach and/or therapist can be helpful. At this level, individuals need to commit to radical self-inquiry and ask themselves: What am I feeling? Where do I feel it in my body? What stories am I telling myself? This is where shifts can happen in our self-awareness and what we’re bringing to the other parts of the conversation.

“Oftentimes, conversations become difficult because there is a hidden need or desire on the “I” level that is not being expressed,” VandenBrink adds. It makes sense, he notes, because we often don’t find ourselves in tense or difficult conversations when the “it” is easy to solve or isn’t important to us.

When ‘it’ is important to us or proves to be difficult to solve, it is often for a reason that has a level of importance to us at the “we” or “I” level. Without surfacing or naming what level our stuckness is occurring at, we’ll continue to attempt to get that need met using “it” level debate.

As a colleague or partner, you’ve probably encountered conversations like these — where things get adversarial and people get entrenched in their views. Often this happens when we feel that our “I” needs are at stake, but for whatever reason, we don’t feel able to express those needs explicitly to others. For example, one team member may feel triggered and resistant about a new role we’re hiring for but unable to articulate that it’s because they fear their own areas of responsibility and influence will be diminished by the new addition. If we can find a way to name those fears, worries, and concerns (“I” level concerns), hard as it may be to do so, we can direct the conversation to the appropriate levels.

Additional Resources

For more tips and frameworks that pair well with I-We-It, check out Reboot’s Wisdom for Work podcast episodes on Difficult Conversations (coming soon!), Inquiry as a Leadership Skill, and Giving Feedback.

Looking to bolster your communication skills? Sign up for our 60-day, zero-cost course: Communication 101: Create Safety, Build Trust, Stay Relational–the Work of Non-Violent Workplaces. In this course, we’ll share advice for navigating conflict, the relationship between power and safety, and — finally — how we can work better together. We hope to share with you tools for learning to speak in a way that you can be heard and learning to listen so that you can understand.

Listen to Reboot Podcast #79: The Space Between Stimulus and Response. In this episode of the Reboot Podcast, Nicole Glaros, Former Partner at Techstars, joins Jerry for a thoughtful conversation on perceived awareness, the power of mindfulness, and the inherent resiliency which arises when we master the ability to widen the gap between stimulus and response.