“Who’s Driving the Bus?” Begin With a Well Resourced Self.
Advice for navigating times of chaos, upheaval, and uncertainty.
This article is the first of a three-part series. The series, entitled Active Reorientation — Befriending Fear, Discerning What Matters, and Bringing Agency in Times of Uncertainty is intended to support and help us navigate our experiences in times of chaos, upheaval, and uncertainty.
We have all experienced upheaval, and individually, we can be thrown into upheaval many times throughout our lives. It can happen suddenly: a dramatic and unexpected downturn in the economy has dire consequences on our business and therefore our livelihood. The unexpected loss of a loved one, a diagnosis of cancer, damage or destruction of our homes may bring similar chaos and uncertainty.
Upheaval may come as a result of something building over time — perhaps a lifetime. Growing unhappiness and dissatisfaction with our positions at work, or our relationships, or a realization that I’ve not been living the life I long to live, and I’m frustrated or angry about this. The disruptions and upheaval may be sparked by what’s around us, or by what’s inside of us.
In any case, these articles may help the reader to understand their own importantly personal experiences throughout these times, offer practical tools and approaches to navigating times of uncertainty, and bring agency and authorship towards a life well-lived.
This first article helps us to track and address the question “Who’s driving the bus?” Who, inside of us, is making the decisions and charting the direction against the choices we have in our days?
When we’re in the thick of challenging times, this question is often not even on our radar. We’re often, understandably, more concerned with issues like “What should we do?”, “What’s the right choice?”, “What’s the right priority?”.
Most of these questions are focusing on the “What” that is out there that represents the goal or outcome to pursue and then getting on with it. It’s totally understandable to approach things this way. It’s how many of us have grown up. It’s the foundation for most business strategies, and it’s a common backbone to many myths we carry about leadership — “Decide the right thing to do and just get on with it!”
But a more fundamental question would be to ask ourselves “Who’s driving the bus?” It’s the source within me that actually carries a perspective of how things are, what choices are available, what actually matters to me, and how do I fit in. It’s the center of gravity, within me, that has its own unique lens through which to see the world and myself in it.
Would I want the afraid, exhausted, uncertain part of me to be making decisions about what to do, or what to prioritize, or even how to act? Or would I prefer to have at the helm that part of me that knows myself, is clear about what matters to me and the resources I have to make a difference? The answer is obvious, but we often don’t recognize we have a choice when we’re in the thick of challenging times. When we’re in it, we’re too busy trying to simply deal with what’s directly in front of us.
This brings us to the core of this matter. It’s to actually understand what’s happening, not just around us, but within us — to answer the question for ourselves “Who’s driving the bus?” and to make choices fueled by agency — our will aligned with action — with full access to available resources in these times.
Knowing who’s driving the bus, and actively choosing the inner driver during challenging and uncertain times can bring about a significant difference to the options we have before us, and the experience of leading from this stance. The following are illustrations of the difference this can make:
- A company’s funding has fallen through due to COVID and a CEO decides to embrace the shift as she engages the leadership team and navigates a promising path towards prosperity rather than continuing anger, resentment, and exhaustion from the deal that was so close to being done.
- Another CEO will lay off 20% of the company’s employees, now grounded to do so with care, respect, and deliberation towards a sound future, instead of mechanical decisions and hollow words that align with the findings of a financial spreadsheet.
- A healthcare executive chooses a new professional future in favor of his family and his own dreams over what had been easily recognized as “success” by many. For him, the path of success he has been on is now unrewarding and lacks any true sense of vitality. The current path feels heavy and weighed down by obligation and behavioral momentum.
- A research scientist, realizing she has been committed to following through with agreements made years ago but tracked by no one more strongly than herself, now leads new work with more responsibilities. She’s finding the whole experience to be less taxing, more creative, rewarding, and more impactful to those around her.
The Right and Left Side of the Street
“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.” — Patrick Rothfuss
Imagine that you’re walking down a street. It’s the street of Life. And like many other streets, there are sidewalks on the left and the right sides of the street. These sidewalks are on the same street, but their orientation, view, and experience are importantly different depending on which side of the street you’re on. Every human being has access to their own left and right sidewalks. And while we all are likely to relate to generalized experiences of the left side and the right side, our own experiences will be importantly unique and specific.
The Left Side of the Street
“Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. They seem to be more afraid of life than death.” — James F. Byrnes
When you’re on the left side of the street, you’re walking through life caught up with what’s around you. On this side of the street, you’re busy and even consumed by what’s needing your attention “out there” (work, family, relationships, community, the planet…). You’re trying to do your best, but you’re not able to make your way to the surface or to get ahead of it.
It’s common to be overwhelmed or exhausted by it all. And with this being the case, a primary objective on this side of the street is to simply make it through the day, or to “keep it together.”
On the left side of the street, we’re heavily influenced by our fears, worries, and concerns — although we may not see this directly. It’s simply the way it is… or has become…
Often, we haven’t made any conscious choices to be here. More likely, we’ve been behaving our way onto the left side sidewalk for some time and following old survival strategies to keep us going once here. It’s been influenced by the stories we’ve been telling ourselves.
Unconscious to the invisible influences of fears, worries, and concerns that bring the weight of obligation, we’re living the “shoulds” of what’s needed to be done when we’re on the left side.
The “shoulds” could be “what my partner wants me to do — or my investors, or customers, or parents, or mentor.”, etc. We’re carrying a belief that if I can make it through this next stretch, life will be better.
When we’re on the left side of the street, we don’t have much curiosity about our situation nor the energy to pursue it if we had it. We’re dominated by the concerns of our immediate situation, often focusing on making sure bad things don’t happen, and deferring a preferred life until we’re through with this chapter.
Let’s just pause right there for a second.
How many of us can relate to being on the left side of the street? Most people can relate to the concept of this, but let’s take a moment for you to reconnect with an experience where you can explore your own unique experience of this and the qualities of what it’s like for you. Metaphor and the concepts are important as a starting point, but it’s your own unique and specific understanding of what it’s like to be on the left side of the street that makes this approach powerful.
Consider the following: Remember a time when you were on the left side of the street…
- Recall and write down some details of the situation, the context, that had you on the left sidewalk.
- What were the fears, worries, and concerns that you had during this experience?
- Without judgment, and with the benefit of hindsight and perhaps being more resourced now than you were then, how did you behave? What do you see now that was driving that behavior?
- What feelings seemed to be dominant for you throughout the experience?
- And if those feelings could speak, what would they say?
- When you were “in it”, what were you doing? What seemed, or defaulted, to matter most to you?
- What underlying stories seemed to be true (or were in fact true!)? What assumptions might you have been making that you were holding as “the fact” of the situation?
Remember not to judge any of your responses, as the judgment itself will ensure the continuity of the stories and the behavior. Simply try to recall and see what it was like for you.
Consider this an act of exploration. An act of actually befriending what it is like for you when you experience the Left Side of the street. This is an important step in coming to know more about ourselves and the choices we have available to us.
The Right Side of the Street
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” — Marcus Aurelius
Now let’s head over to the right side sidewalk. When you’re on the right side of the street you’re in a much more resourced place.
On the right side, you’re grounded, centered in yourself, and carrying a clear sense of what matters to you at this time. You have clarity about your values and how they are of service to you now. The grounding that you have helps provide a sense of calm and clarity even as the world around you may be in chaos.
When you’re on the right side of the street, you occupy the generative or creative adult inside of you. You see things as they are, but you’re not caught up in the storms or the drama.
This is not at all about making lemonade out of lemons, but rather seeing the upheaval, the loss, the suffering, grief, and even fear and disruption as it is directly, and not being undone or unmoored by it all. It may be helpful to even consider this aspect of yourself as the elder or experienced one within you. You carry an ability to be with what’s directly in front of you while seeing and carrying a bigger picture of it, all at the same time.
When on the right side sidewalk, you’re connected with your own inner sense of purpose and how this purpose relates to the world around you and your current situation. This center of gravity on the right side of the street carries a sense of advocacy that comes from clarity of purpose and what you’re actually for, but it’s not a righteous voice. It’s simple, calm, and direct.
There’s agency and energy for action from the right side of the street. It’s not competing or fighting with what’s around you, it’s simply clear for you. It’s also importantly, and uniquely, your voice.
There are no “shoulds” when you’re on this side of the street. You’re not trying to live up to the leader you think you should be, or who you think your investors, best friends, employees, or parents think you should be; you’re simply clear about who you are and your leadership comes from this place. There’s an authentic expression that comes forth from us when we’re on the right side of the street.
Some Distinctions Between the Right and the Left Sides of the Street
The generative right side of the street knows fear and understands what it is to have fears, worries, concerns, and anxiety. It knows about the left side of the street and knows how we show up when we’re really “in it” and living on the left side. It’s as if the who we are on the right side creates a large enough container that we can hold and intimately be with fear and anxiety, but not be unraveled in it.
This way of being on the right side of the street is similar to the way that nurturing parents can understand and hold their children when they’re experiencing grief, anger, fear, and frustration — they know what it’s like! — but they’re not caught up in it. When we’re on the right side, we can access all of the experiences of the left, while still being in the resourced, generative center of gravity (still from the right side of the street).
When we’re on the left side of the street, however, we can’t easily access the right side sidewalk. The container on the left is inherently limited to the worldview of the left and the stories we’re telling ourselves. The left doesn’t know so much about the right. In fact, when those who have been stuck in experiences on the left side of the street are asked about what it’s like for them to be on the right side of the street, many commonly share “I don’t know, but I can tell you that it’s not this!”
Often, those who are stuck describe the right side in terms of the qualities of the left side — “I’m not angry, I’m more confident, I’m less exhausted,…” But the right side is not defined by the left, nor is the right the opposite of what is found on the left side sidewalk. The right side is importantly, uniquely, and authentically its own center of gravity containing the felt sense and qualities experienced by you when you are on the right side of the street.
Choosing and Accessing the Right Side When You Find Yourself on the Left Side of the Street
“Your living is determined not so much by what life brings to you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens.” — Khalil Gibran
The more familiar we become with the experience we have when we’re on the right side of the street, the easier it becomes to access this center of gravity. The key moves to make that support shifting from the left side of the street to the right are:
1. Notice when you’re on the Left Side of the Street — This can be very challenging when you’re on the left side! When we’re “in it”, we often don’t notice we even have a choice. We’re too busy caught up in it all. But with some help and practice, this first step can be done more rapidly. Here are some tips to help us notice when we’re on the left side of the street:
- Track your feelings — Are you anxious, exhausted, stressed out, or feeling the presence of fears, worries, or concerns? This can be a telltale sign of being on the left side of the street.
- Hit “Pause” on the problem and check-in — Often, we’re caught up in the thing that we’re trying to address or the problem we’re trying to solve, and all of our attention and energy goes into this issue. Pause for a moment — the issue will be there after this break — and check-in with yourself on what you’re experiencing. Ask yourself if you feel well resourced and grounded or if you feel like you’re on your heels or less than your full self engaged with this matter.
- Seek feedback from your strong supporters — Ask those who know you well, and who have no investment in any challenge you’re facing, to share how you appear to them. Are you “at your best”? Do they describe qualities that you know from your Right Side of the street? Or do they share things like “you seem stressed or anxious about something”, or “you seem exhausted, can you take a break?” or bring up other qualities or attributes you recognize from the Left Side of the street.
2. When you’re on the Left Side and would like to shift to the Right, simply Shift. This may sound embarrassingly simple, but it’s super important. The move to make to shift from the Left to the Right is simply to access the Right Side — you’re generative, creative, resourced self. You do not have to negotiate your way there, you do not have to work harder, you do not have to solve 3 new problems. In many ways, accessing the Right Side of the street has more to do with letting yourself access the Right Side than willfully efforting your way there. It is to “let go” of being stuck, being determined to do whatever it takes of (or from) you; and, to lean into curiosity and imagination. Opening up to seeing things differently, and letting yourself do just that. Here are some options:
Start with the Left Side — Notice the feelings and experience of being stuck, drained, afraid, or stressed — essentially the experience of being on the left side of the street:
- What feelings are you experiencing?
- What do you see and notice from this stance?
- What are the hard truths?
- What choices do you see for yourself and others?
- What’s most frustrating, annoying, or brings up other strong feelings?
Now shift to the Right Side of the street. To do so, you might consider one of these options:
Access the Experienced or Elder Self — Imagine that you have made it through this challenging time and it’s now 6 to 12 months later. You’ve survived this and you’ve learned a lot from this experience! And while you wouldn’t wish this experience on anyone, you’re actually grateful for its passing. You’ve grown a lot and are wiser for it. Let yourself feel what it’s like to be resourced, grounded, and clear about your sense of purpose for these matters from this place in the future. Let yourself remember what it was like when you went through the hard parts (those you’re experiencing today) but now doing so from this resourced place. Let this be your Right Side of the Street.
- What advice might you offer from this grounded future self (on the Right Side of the street) to your present-day self?
Remember a past time when you were really at your best and engaging a challenging time. A time when you felt clear about yourself and were able to bring forth your best in meeting a challenging or rough time. It may be a similar challenge, or it may be different — it doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you were at your best and were able to do well with the challenge you were facing. Recall this past experience:
- Remember and write down highlights from this experience. What stands out to you that makes this an excellent example of your being at your best in a challenging situation?
- Let yourself notice the qualities of who you were at this time. Describe the qualities and attributes you had during this situation.
- Notice what it felt like for you as you were going through this experience.
- Let this be what it feels like to be on the Right Side of the street for you.
Imagine, or recall, a conversation with a mentor, a good friend, a coach, or a therapist and the experience you had with them:
- If you were to be speaking with them now, what might they offer?
- Let yourself experience again what it’s like to be in the presence of this perspective that aligns with you and who you know yourself to be — let this, too, inform what it’s like to be on the right side of the road.
3. From the Right Side of the street, engage your current situation
From this center of gravity look at and participate in your situation:
- Grounded in your center of purpose, and feeling resourced now:
- How do you approach this challenge now?
- What choices arise from this vantage point?
- What does it feel like to you to engage from this place within you?
- What help do you need? Who can support you now, and what would you ask of them?
- What’s different about this now as you see and experience it from the Right Side of the street?
It’s Not About Always Being on the Right Side of the Street
It’s tempting to consider spending more of your time on the Right Side of the street, but that is not the point of all of this. The real opportunity in this practice is to get to better know and understand yourself on both the Left and the Right and to develop the means to fluidly move from the left to the right side.
Part of being human is to occasionally feel caught and trapped by the situations we’re in and to struggle and feel overwhelmed in the experience. We’ve all had days like this, and we’re likely to have more to come. But we can learn from these experiences and come to understand and be compassionate with ourselves as we show up on our heels and simply try to keep it together, implementing old survival strategies that used to literally help us to be safe, be loved, and worthy of love, and to belong.
We can come to recognize when we’re “in it”, and to help us shift to a different center of gravity.
And just as important, we can come to recognize and deliberately choose to be in a resourced stance, remembering what it is we’re actually for, and finding ground in this enabled perspective.
By coming to know the Left and the Right, self-awareness grows as does access to our wholeness as human beings — full of choice, enabled by agency, and rich in experience.
Continue to part two of this series: Find the Path Forward — Head Toward the “Who” Not the “What.”
