Hot and ready shrimp fried rice.

Hey You Horny Motherfuckers Here’s A Recipe For Shrimp Fried Rice

Let’s make some shrimp fried rice and hope it supplements all the sex you’re not having right now.

Do you substitute love with food? Everyone does. You know who doesn’t? Psychopaths. I have this pretty great recipe for shrimp fried rice we can make. Shove in your mouth hole while you wait for your soulmate.

Servings: about 4? Once I ate it all in one sitting.

Weird ingredients you probably don’t have and should go get now

• Oyster sauce (calm down it’s not made with oysters)
• Sesame oil

The must-do’s for sexy shrimp fried rice

• Chilled cooked rice. If you fry the rice right out of the pot, it won’t work, no one will ever fuck you again, and your dog will think you’re a bad person.
• Oyster sauce. If you like the way fried rice taste, it’s because of the oyster sauce. You can get it in the “ethnic aisle”, a phrase I really dislike saying for some reason.
• Sesame oil. It’s finishing oil for when you’re finished frying that rice. It’s delicious.
• Soy sauce. Yeah.
• Butter. Don’t use oil to fry the rice or veggies or anything. Whip out that hot stick of butter. It’ll taste better.

Ingredients

• 1 cup of cooled white rice. (If you don’t know how to make white rice, here’s that.)
• 1 1/2 cup of chopped, cooked shrimp. Or not, its fine.
• 3/4 cup of chopped white onion
• 1/2 cup of chopped carrots
• 1/2 cup of peas
• 2 eggs
• Salt and pepper
• Sazon (for the shrimp. If you don’t it’s fine)
• 1/3 cup green onion if you want
• Generous amounts butter
• A dick full of soy sauce
• About 3 heaping spoonfuls of oyster sauce
• About 3 cap-fulls of sesame oil
• As much garlic as you want, I guess

Let’s bang out this shrimp fried rice

Once you have your white rice cooked and chilled we can get started. Again, if you try to make fried rice with warm rice your dick will absolutely fall off.

• Scramble the eggs with a spoonful of butter in a small pan (not the pan you’ll use to fry the rice). Take out the eggs and set aside.
• Fry up the shirmp in a big pan, on med-high heat with a spoonful of butter. Add salt and pepper. Season it with Sazon if you have it. If not, its cool. You should keep some in your cupboard though. Take out the shrimp and set it aside.
• Add a couple cap-fulls of water to the pan that you just cooked the shrimp in and scrape up the fond with a spatchula.
• Add another spoonful of butter and throw in all the veggies except the white and green onions. The trick is to undercook the onions. Cook on medium for about 4 or so minutes. Stir occasionally.
• After 4minutes, dial up the heat to medium-high. more high than medium if you know what I mean.
• Now its time to throw in your chilled rice. Add another spoonful of butter just to be safe.
• Mix it all up.
• Pour in your soy sauce. You can be generous.
• Oh yeah, mix it up again.
• Add your shirimp and your onions.
• Oh fuck, keep mixing it baby.
• Add your oyster sauce.
• Right there. Mix it right there!
• 6 to 8 minutes later… and you’re done.
• Take it off the heat, finish it off with a few cap-fulls of sesame oil.

And that’s it. Shrimp fried rice. Just as good as eating out.