Coming Full Circle to I Don’t Know
What is the meaning of life?
In Douglas Adams science fiction novel “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”, after millions of years of working on the existential question, the Deep Thought supercomputer reports that 42 is the Ultimate Answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything. Unfortunately, no one remembers the original question.
From when I was very young I was always seeking answers. Since I didn’t know anything, my favourite questions where things like Why? and How do you know?. I wasn’t embarrassed to say “I don’t know.”
I couldn’t understand why everyone wasn’t excited to know the answers to the questions I would ask. Instead I would get fobbed of with answers like, you’ll know when you’re older. I trusted that they were telling me the truth. Well I’m a lot older now and I’m still asking awkward questions that no one wants to answer.
Unfortunately, when I was younger, not knowing the answer to questions was a problem. In many day-to-day life situations the answer was supposed to be obvious. If the answer wasn’t obvious to me then something must be wrong with me.
As an introverted autistic, once I was in school, this had dire consequences in terms of bullying, shaming, and embarrassment.
The lesson I learned was to never admit that I didn’t know. That way I could exert some sort of control over how I was treated. This carried on throughout my school years into university. I would never ask a teacher or a professor to explain something as that would let someone see that I didn’t know and therefore wasn’t in control of my life.
No one ever explained to me that that was the teacher’s and professor’s job to help me understand. It was obvious. Well maybe obvious to others, but not to this undiagnosed autistic who just felt stupid and out of step all the time.
What I did learn to do was read and study a lot. Anything I didn’t understand I would research at whatever library was available and learn enough so that I could pretend that I understood and that I was in control of the situation, at least to some degree. That way I was able to fake my way through many potentially embarrassing moments.
In the work world I learned that I was not alone in this practice. I noticed that a lot of people pretended to knowledge that was only a thin veneer over a chasm of ignorance. If this is what they did, then I assumed that that was what I was supposed to do.
However, not knowing left me feeling uncomfortable and out of control. So I continued to read and study; a lot. Over the decades I’ve become somewhat of a generalist, at least when it comes to repeatable skills.
The more I lost trust in other people, the more controlling I became. Building skills was my path for exerting control over my life. I have an extensive vocabulary. I can do my own taxes. I can build and maintain a house. I can grow food. I can program a computer. I can make and manage money. I can survive by myself in most situations. This helped me to believe that I was in control.
What I lost the ability to do, at least until relatively recently, was to say “I don’t know.”
“I don’t know” is difficult. It is telling someone that in some area I am not capable. And I have prided myself on being capable in those skills that are important to surviving and living well.
The path to learning to embrace “I don’t know” began when I was married to an alcoholic addict. As her drinking got worse and worse so did her drunken behaviour. Finally I had enough.
I researched alcoholism, addiction, and how to control her addictive behaviour. I didn’t like what I learned. The basic message was that there wasn’t anything I could do to control her. She had to do it. I wasn’t yet ready to accept that I wasn’t in control of that area of my life.
I learned about Al-Anon, an organization for those who have relationships with alcoholics. It took me a while to go to my first meeting. It felt like a failure on my part to have to do that. Eventually I went to a meeting that was nowhere near where I lived so that I wouldn’t run into anyone that I knew.
I hated that first meeting. I went into the meeting feeling angry, looking for ways to control my alcoholic. But the meeting was all about accepting that I had no control over my alcoholic’s drinking. I left there angry and judgemental. They just didn’t understand my problems. Of course they did. I just didn’t want to hear it.
It was nearly a year before I went to another Al-Anon meeting. It took that much more struggle and denial before I reached the point that I could accept that maybe I didn’t know what to do.
The first step of the Al-Anon twelve step program involves admitting that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life had become unmanageable. After a few meetings where I continued to resist, I finally admitted to myself that I didn’t know what to do. The road back to sanity began there.
I won’t go into the details of the story of my alcoholic marriage. That, if I ever tell it, is a story for another time. Suffice it to say that the key lessons I learned from Al-Anon (with help from CoDependents Anonymous and various counsellors) where:
- To recognize and accept that things were what the were.
- To admit that there were things in my life over which I had no control.
- To detach emotionally from those things over which I had no control.
- To make a plan for leading my life in a healthy way, in spite of what my alcoholic addict might choose to do with her life.
Interestingly, a few months after I started putting these lessons into practice, my alcoholic started to assess her drinking behaviour and eventually joined Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), beginning her path of recovery.
For two years we worked on our individual personal development. Eventually we realized that we should not be married to each other. Its not that we didn’t care about each other’s well being. It was just that our individual personalities, as they were manifesting in our mutual recovery, no longer worked together. So we split up.
Having started down the road of personal development and seeing the benefits of doing the necessary self analysis and related work, it became a habit. One of the benefits of being autistic is that once we get attached to something, we get really attached. I got attached to becoming an emotionally healthy person.
While I did a little work with counsellors, I did most of the work on my own. (You know, the whole control thing!) For the most part I didn’t find the counsellors that helpful. I suspect because they did not recognize my autism any more than I did. And in those days, adult manifesting autism was not a subject that was discussed.
Instead, I journaled. Page after page of stream of consciousness writing that delved into ever more existential questions. Questions for which my initial answer was “I don’t know”: Why me? What am I feeling? Why am I feeling that? What do I want out of life? How do I know? What is the point of life? What is the point of the universe? The list was endless.
It was thirty years ago that I started down this path. And for most of that time, I still had trouble with saying “I don’t know.” Every time I had an issue to deal with I would approach it from the point of view of needing more information. And often that would help. Especially in work situations.
However, going to the library or researching on the internet did not address my lack of interpersonal skills. So I bumbled along in my personal relationships. I dated. I had woman friends. Eventually I got married again. But my interpersonal skills were still pretty bad.
Once I retired lots of things changed. I was no longer dependent on my job to make a living. I had set myself up with sufficient resources that I could retire without stressing about the future. Now I just had to figure out what that future looked like.
Not going to work every day was interesting. Suddenly I had an endless amount of time. Now what?
As I figured out what my retirement was going to look like, I had more opportunities to figure out who I was and what I wanted out of life. And more opportunities to realize I don’t know. That turned out to be a good starting point for a lot of personal growth.
Now that I no longer had to maintain a mask of “normality” in the workplace, I was able to better embrace my autistic characteristics and learn that, while I might be different, I wasn’t broken. I was just different.
No longer having to maintain a mask of control and knowing what to do in any business situation, I could embrace the reality that, in many situations, I didn’t know. I could admit that often I was just making it up as I went along, making adjustments when things didn’t work as planned, and hoping for the best. Which was a very stressful way to live!
Now I could just say: “I don’t know.
People who know me now could point out that I still have a tendency to be controlling and believe that I know the right thing to do. However, I have gotten better at admitting that maybe I don’t know. Maybe there is another way to proceed that would work just as well; or even better.
I still have a long way to go on my personal development path. However, it is less stressful now that I can admit that, for the most part, in most situations, I don’t know what the right thing to do is. And that is okay.
So I have come full circle from admitting I don’t know, then covering it up for half a century, and then embracing it once again. Once again I get to ask all those irritating, interesting questions that start with Why?.
Where will this acceptance of ignorance and embracing my lack of control lead? I don’t know. But won’t it be interesting to find out!
Thank you for reading my article.
If you found this story interesting, here a couple of my other personal development stories that you may also enjoy:
I am frequently inspired by other writers on Medium. Here are some I’ve particularly enjoyed reading recently:
Yana Bostongirl prompted this story with her story about coming full circle in her relationships:
This article by Teresa Roberts came to mind as I was writing this piece. She talks about her experiences with the behaviour controls that the outside world puts on us because we are inconvenient or irritating:
And for something a little more upbeat, here is Mawde Olssen’s story about cute snakes in her courtyard:
When I can, I like to highlight a newer author (i.e. who have less followers than I have) whose writings I have enjoyed. Today I want to encourage you to read Mani Goel’s story about having to give up her house plants and start collecting new ones in her new country:
I wish to thank the following people who recently chose to follow me and my writing. Your interest encourages me to continue writing. I hope you enjoy this new story.
JM Riordan, Wendy Dean, Elena, Krishna CS
Thank you for following me.
Finally, I would like to invite those that recently commented on my writing to share this story with me. If any of you would like to be excluded from my tags in future, please, please let me know!
Mulan, Lucia Landini, Aunty Jean, Janin Lyndovsky, Carol Labuzzetta, Joyce Nielsen, Dr. Fatima Imam, Barbara Mac, Dr. Preeti Singh, Charlotte Kingsbury- Fink, B. Lorraine Smith, Saba Haider, Mawde Olssen, William J Spirdione, Marta Henriques, Yana Bostongirl, Mia Verita, Neera Handa Dr, Dr. Preeti Singh, Elizabeth Kaldeck Smith, Warisul Imam, Toni Crowe, Katie Critelli, DL Nemeril, Casey Stanley, Gauri Sirur
I wish you well!
