Life | Self-discovery
Why I Have Become an Emotionally Guarded Person
Unraveling the story of my heart
As I sit down to write this post, I struggle to accept and be upfront about who I am. Many times, you are aware of your character flaws but it is difficult to accept them. However, unless we accept them, we will be unable to fix problems. This flaw has troubled me for as long as I can remember: why am I so emotionally guarded?
"An emotionally guarded person may seem cold, but beneath the surface, their heart beats with a depth of feeling."-Unknown
It’s a question that has always lingered in the back of my mind, influencing my relationships, conversations, and whole identity. Growing up, I noticed my peers who were quite talkative and seemed to simply express their feelings and emotions to others. On the other hand, I’ve always felt that I’ve built walls around myself to protect myself, and something is holding me back from expressing what I’m feeling. I always struggled to open up.
I’m not sure, but perhaps I was unintentionally trying to shelter myself from hurt and disappointment. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to open up; I just didn’t have the courage to do so. As time passed, my emotional defences only strengthened. Each setback and betrayal made it much harder for me not to open up.
Over time, I came to believe that being vulnerable meant being weak. So I got skilled at pretending. I always appeared to be strong in front of people while suppressing my genuine emotions.
As I improved my pretending skills, the emotional burden in my heart grew heavier with each passing day. It feels like the walls I’ve built to protect myself are becoming a trap for me, and I’m locked inside myself, unable to connect with others or form meaningful friendships.
When I reached rock bottom, it was critical for me to understand the true cost of my emotional walls. I felt alone and isolated. I started questioning whether I was protecting or imprisoning myself within these barriers.
One important reason for my emotional guardedness is that I used to live in a joint family for some of my childhood years. It was the happiest years of my life, living with the love of our grandparents, having amazing cousins, and being loved by many family members. However, over time, many things have altered. Constant disagreements, confrontations, and a lack of emotional instability in my family divided us all, and we began living as a nuclear family.
“It takes courage to be emotionally guarded, but even more courage to let someone in."-Unknown
All of these family troubles made it difficult for me to trust others and build deeper bonds. As a result of all of this, I learnt to shield myself from more pain by keeping my emotions hidden. It takes me a long time to break down the walls that surround my heart. I am still a work in progress. I’m trying to break each brick over time. With each brick, I felt more free and honest. But I tell myself every day that being vulnerable does not imply that you are weak. Express your honest emotions because they will strengthen you.
"To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength." - Criss Jami
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