I’m setting the record straight.
I’m sick of waking up every morning and seeing the same lies over and over again. People actually think I’m chained to this rock because I stole fire. First of all, I’m not chained to the rock for the fire thing. Pick up a book.
Second, I didn’t “steal” fire. I used the idea of fire. I was inspired by it. You can’t copyright an idea.
This is going to come off as bitter. That’s fine.
But it’s the truth; the truth about the greatest creation, ever. Yeah, I said it — and you know what, I’m not the only one. Google it.
I’m going to tell you the story, and I think that every creative is going to understand exactly what I’m talking about. They’re going to know, in their heart, that this is how it really happened. Every creative who’s not a HACK, that is. They’re going to know this is the truth, because, this is the story that every truly great artist will, or has, gone through. Every artist says they suffer for their work, but most of those “artists” are just… well, walk into a Starbucks and tell me how many Shakespeares you find.
I’m going to begin at the beginning and end at the end. What a novel idea, right Hollywood?
I got my start at the Heavens. I was there from the very beginning.
People forget that.
I was instrumental in making that place. But after a while, Chronos was getting old. Age, despite being a concept he created, really hit him hard. He couldn’t come up with anything new. You hit the top and it happens.
So, I go on vacation for a little bit. I come back, and the creator, the old man, has been sent off to someplace. There was apparently some insane drama, and now everything’s been turned on its head. Guess who’s been sent to take over? The guy’s son, fresh out of some Ivy-league babysitting service, and he completely changes our direction. He starts getting rid of everyone, starts putting in his brothers and some frat buddies. I’m left there as a token; a “rudder to steer us through storms and remind of us where we came from.” Yeah, rudders remind you of where you came from… Good one.
This new guy, Zeus, is talented, I’ll give him that, but he’s impossible to work with. He doesn’t listen to me at all, even his obnoxious inner circle complains. He’s a serial liar, and cheats on his wife like she’s an online history test. She’s totally insane now.
He always acts like he’s the victim. He blames his dad, says that the old man “ate his other children.” Super melodramatic, spoiled rich kid mentality. He ate his children? Who paid for your tuition while we we’re making everything. His dad was the genius who made time itself. It’s the basis for every great thing since, ask any creative, they’ll always say the same shit — I need more time.
Anyway, this brat has a party, and I get drunk and do this one little prank. Zeus eats some old beef. I do office pranks all the time; they’re hilarious. I’m a trickster, it’s my thing. But, of course, the victim can’t take a joke. So, I’m out of there. I have this amazing portfolio, but I can’t get my foot in the door anywhere. The ocean and underworld won’t even return my calls. Big surprise. They’re run by Zeus’s brothers. Everyone in this business is related or fucking each other — or both.
I end up on Earth. The dry part of Earth. Back then, it was just mud. It was nothing. I think there was a bush and some grass, but mostly just mud.
My brother, Epimetheus, he quits too and joins me. I mean, it’s not like he would have lasted there anyway. I had been covering for him for, basically, eternity. So, we’re down in this nothing, this Earth. And we try to make the most of it. I build a house, start exercising. I write a book, but it doesn’t go anywhere.
One day, I’m walking through the mud, and it hits me. Hard. I pick up some mud and make man — first try, no revisions. Then, these ideas just keep coming. Claws. Venom. Camouflage. These great devices that I know are going to hit big. I put them all in a box, which I also invented, and ran back to the house. Well, Epimetheus, he’s stoned. That’s basically all he ever did back then. And I tell him, “I’ve got a huge idea. It’s going to put us back on top.” And he’s listening, barely.
I tell him, we’re going to make the Earth into an exciting, dynamic, ecosystem. That’s the first time anyone ever said that, so I explain to this stoner that we’re going to make these animals. It’s going to be like, you know where, but better. Much better. And at the top of this world, is this guy, Man.
So, he’s into it; he says, “Oh… man. Yeah. Man. Like, I know. I totally get, what you’re going for. Like, I get it, and it is EPIC… Dude, we are, so gonna get so many bitches with this shit.”
I say, “Right! I’m really excited. All right, I’ve got to get all this organized…”
“Bro. Bro, you gotta let me help you with this.”
“I don’t know, I’m really particular about my vision.”
“Nah, nah, it’s cool. I told you, I get it! I can do this, man.”
“Dude, I gotta be a part of this.”
What am I supposed to do, he’s my brother. He walked out for me, or so he says. So, I tell him the first thing he needs to do is assign all these gifts to the animals. All the things I put in the box. And I said, the most important thing was to make sure that Man is the master of all things on Earth. Basically, make him the strongest. And Epimetheus says, “I get it, just take a break, yo.”
He gets to work. It’s like a week, and I go check up on him. He tells me, “I did it! It’s just like you said.”
I look at all the animals, it’s clearly not what I asked for. There’s a bill on some beaver, and mosquitos. I’m a professional, in this industry you have to know how to choose your battles. But. I see man, the centerpiece of whole project, and man has nothing. He’s just a hairless monkey who happens to be delicious. The other animals have speed, strength, claws. I freak out and yell, “what happened?”
He didn’t even know he messed up. He shrugs it off, and is like “I think I did pretty good, man.” Then he laughs.
I sigh and I realize there’s probably someone in my old office who might have an idea. I’m completely dry at that point. So, I go up there and ask around, someone tells me about this fire thing that they’re not even really using.
The fire idea inspires me — I never stole it. I mean, their fire was blue. They put it on a chariot or something. I give it to Man, teach him how to use it.
The first season is perfect. Man is the master of all creatures. There’s huge buzz. Suddenly, I’m a name again — and so, sure enough, Zeus comes in, tells my brother he wants to collaborate.
I immediately say, ‘no.’ I’m a trickster, and game recognize game.
Epimetheus tells me that this is a sign. We made it, so Zeus wants in. Then, my idiot brother says that Zeus has created “woman,” her name is Pandora and we should put her in season two. I still say ‘no.’ He says Zeus isn’t even asking for money, just a credit, and I’m like, “isn’t that more suspicious?” But my brother keeps it up, I finally relent, and we introduce Pandora in season two.
That’s when the shit hit the fan.
Pandora says she found this jar in Epimetheus’s house. She just opened it, and all the evil things in the world — plague, war, etc. — came flowing out. Why would my brother have the jar, right? Epimetheus says Pandora came from Zeus’s studio with a box, and she opened it, and that’s how it happened. That one makes more sense to me, but anyway, these things hit in season 2 and the whole project is ruined. Men were supposed to live forever, now they’re dying like flies, which now, all of a sudden, also die. Epimetheus says, “hey man, at least there’s one thing left in the box — hope. Hope, man.”
He was such a fucking hippie back then.
I snap. There’s an intervention at my home, and I end up in rehab for the rest of season two. I get out in hiatus, and it’s worse than ever.
Woman is entrenched at that point. No one will even entertain the idea of getting rid of her, even now. Everyone says, oh, well, she’s much more beautiful and talented than Man. And it’s like, yeah, well Zeus had a whole studio and an army of creatives. I had mud. Besides, she’s derivative.
I go to Man and say, “look, she’s bringing down the whole project. We’re going to be out on the street if we keep her.” And he defends her like a sap.
I find out they’re hooking up — and Epimetheus is encouraging it. He says they made this thing, procreation, and now Man, and Woman, can just make more people on their own, so we don’t have to replace the ones that are dying. I tell him that’s disgusting, and, I still can’t believe he said this, he says, “if we keep making men ourselves, we’ll run out of mud.”
Enough is enough. I fire my brother. He’s a middle-manager at State Farm now, which is where he belongs. And I hope Susan is cheating on him to be honest. She can do better. I fire the pervert who thought of the procreation debacle, told him he should be ashamed of himself. Then, I got rid of all the other hacks my idiot brother brought in. I leave Woman, but I put this agonizing pain twist into the procreation deal. She’s pissed as hell.
So, then, I’m back to nothing. Everyone thinks I’m done, and I take that same walk. It’s not just mud anymore, there’s birds and cats. Cats are all me too, by the way. You’re welcome Youtube.
Then it hits me again — civilization. It brings everything together and makes it work. It’s stronger than the plagues or the wars. Man can use it to deal with all these new convoluted plot issues. I run back; I pitch it to everyone. Immediately, Man is on board. Woman complains that it won’t fix everything. Nothing is good enough for her, of course.
I pull the trigger anyway. The third season is a breakout hit. Everything else on is completely eclipsed. Zeus’s company was trying to do something similar on Mars. I know, he named it for one of his lackies. But that was cut over night. Needless to say, Zeus was pissed.
That’s when this whole chained-to-the-rock situation started.
Apparently, while I was in rehab, Epimetheus sold a big part of the company and our properties for emergency financing when our sponsors started pulling out in the second season. Basically, a lawyer shows up to my office and tells me I don’t have the rights to my own project. Zeus comes in as showrunner, and pushes me out. He says he’ll keep me on, but also keeps forcing all these ideas onto us. So I have to leave in protest. What else could I do? This was my baby, and he was destroying it.
When we started in season one, it was a bit cheesy, but it was true to my vision. Just a bunch of naked Greek men. Eating bacon. Saying wicked funny one-liners. Going on zany adventures every week. Living in peace and harmony for all eternity.
Back then, a viewer could come home from work, watch an episode and relax. Now, if you miss a single show, you have no idea what’s going on. Every character has a complicated name and backstory and there’s like billions of them. And Woman keeps undermining the whole civilization thing, which is just petty.
Zeus was screwing her the whole time; it turns out.
So, I left without collecting a penny. That’s another rumor I’m sick of, that I took a huge check and ran off. I haven’t seen any real money yet. That’s partially why I’m at the rock with the chains.
But you know what, I like the rock. I’d be here even without the chains. Maybe it’s never won an Emmy, but at least, on the rock I can be creative.
There’s a crow eating my liver for all time. So what? As if no one else in this industry is being stabbed in the back.
And they say that I’m not doing anything else. I am. And it’s going to be huge. I might not be getting residuals down here, but I still won in the end.
Zeus ran the thing for like two seasons. You could tell they were in trouble when Zeus brought his brother Poseidon in to do some cross-overs and made boats. Poseidon got the short end on that deal. His whole place is full of garbage now, and the Mermen, another derivative hack-job, are completely dead.
They sold the whole project for a bargain to some foreign company. I called the new showrunner’s secretary, they call them Popes in Italy, and tried to give him some pointers. He said he was going to bring back the whole peace and harmony for all eternity idea, even bought out some properties from Zeus and his other brother Hades to make it work. He couldn’t deliver though.
That Guy still owns it, but Man told me that he’s basically running the whole thing now. They haven’t heard a peep from the boss forever.
I think that’s the best. Man gets it. He remembers the first season, and he’s really getting back to what made the project great in the beginning. The plague thing is almost completely cut from the story. War is… well, they’re working on it. Even Woman is making a positive contribution, finally.
I’m not bitter… All right, I’m bitter. I’m really bitter. Man is telling E! that it’s been him, alone, the whole time? Are you serious?!
It’s cool, we’re friends. We are.
And he told me that by season 9, it’s going to be all peace and harmony. They’ll all be naked. And they’re even going to do these spin-offs. These off-world colonies. Some alien cross-overs. The critics keep counting them out, but this thing is an institution now. And hey, I’m down for a cameo.
I act now too, so… you know, I think it could really work.
In the end, the artist’s work is more important than the artist. I say I won, not because Zeus is a no one now, but because I have a legacy. When you see a naked Greek man happily eating a big thing of bacon — that’s me! And I couldn’t be any happier.
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