Real-Life FAQs About The Census, Answered By A Local Census Taker
As a census taker, I have noticed quite a few people are confused about what I am doing. And some of those people are heavily armed.
And so, to help in what is already a multi-million-dollar campaign to inform the public about the 2020 census, I thought I would address the most common questions and concerns I have seen in real life.
Hopefully, this will alleviate any worries respondents might have, and finally, finally, just let me count you.
FAQ:
Who the f*** are you?
I am census taker, also known as an enumerator. I am a temporary employee hired by the U.S. Department of Commerce to interview residents who have not yet filled out their 2020 census forms.
What the f*** are you doing on my property?
I am here to conduct an interview with you and learn how many people lived at this address on census day, April 1st. Your answers will help determine how much funding local and state governments receive for things like schools and roads. The population figures will also be used to determine representation in the nation’s Congress.
Are you deep state?
No.
Enumerators have no control over public policy, nor do we facilitate any cannibalistic orgies you might believe your elected officials participate in.
But if you were a pawn of deep state, you wouldn’t know, right?
No… I guess I would not.
Is that ID card real? It doesn’t look real.
It is a real identification card with my real Commerce Department employee number on it.
Likewise:
- My bag is real.
- The documents explaining the census are real.
- The phone I am using to input your answers is government property.
- And no, I am not just making up “this whole census thing.”
I do taxes, why don’t you have my info already?
We are not the IRS, and, just like the Commerce Department, many government entities have strict restrictions on giving away your information.
Wouldn’t it just be more efficient to not have those restrictions?
Yes.
Without constitutional requirements ensuring your privacy and other civil rights, the government could potentially be more efficient.
…Perhaps, terrifyingly efficient…
Why didn’t anyone tell me about this shady-ass census thing?
You should have received a mail-in form, explaining the census and how to complete it, either by mail, by telephone or by doing it online.
You should have also received several reminders that the census will be due soon and that census takers will be coming into the community.
You should have also received a NoV at your door, explaining how to finish the census online or by phone.
There is also a state-wide advertising campaign to inform residents about the census, running constant television, radio and Internet ads.
There is also a local census committee who have posted signs and bulletins asking residents to make sure their census forms are completed.
The billboard one block away from this home also explains the census and asks residents to complete the forms by September 30th.
What if I slam this door in your face?
Then I will mark this case as incomplete and another enumerator will come back another day.
What if I slam the door in that enumerator’s face?
Then they will mark the case as incomplete and another enumerator will come.
What if I slam the door in that enumerator’s face?
Then they will mark the case as incomplete. The enumerator will knock on the door of three of your neighbors, asking how many people live at this address. If none of your neighbors can give a response, then the case will be marked as incomplete.
And another enumerator will come and repeat the process.
What if I slam…
We come back!
We just keep coming back until you let me count you!
Will this get rid of the illegals?
No.
We do not ask questions related to immigration, and all information provided to the census is confidential. It cannot be shared with any other government agency or department.
What if I told you about the illegals here, would you get rid of them?
…No…
Is this a pro-Biden thing?
No.
The census has no political affiliations.
So, it’s a pro-Trump thing?
…No.
Cause I’d answer right now if it was a pro-Trump thing.
…
…
…
…No, we do not have any political leaning.
How much do you get paid to annoy people?
Not enough.
Well, by not doing this census thing, I’m giving you a job, right?
Yes, I suppose that is one way to look at it.
And by slamming the door in your face, I’m ensuring you have continued employment, right?
…Yes.
Then I will see you tomorrow, and you’re welcome.
Remember, the census is a mandatory civic duty, but more importantly, your answers help inform numerous funding decisions and make your community a better place.
So please, please do not threaten your census taker with a bat or call the police.
Afterall, the police do not have the authority to arrest members of the deep state or interfere with our ability to collect babies for Joe Biden to feast upon.
Thank you again for your cooperation and support.
