The Five People You’ll Meet In Disneyland (And Probably Hell)

At 3 p.m., in the sweltering summer heat, people show their true nature before the bronzed statue of Walt Disney… and it’s rarely pretty.

Rush Mom

There are only so many hours the family can be in the park, and every one of those hours has been meticulously planned. Nothing will stop the schedule. Nothing.

You’ll probably see Rush Mom planting her 3-year-old in front of Mickey Mouse, and cursing when the kid looks away during the photo. There’s no time for the kid to hug Mickey, no time for lingering near the magic shop, no time for fun, no time for happiness.

There is a list of errands that need to be accomplished, and missing any means the trip was a failure. Rush Mom is there to stop that from happening, no matter what…

Youtube Vlogger

Just as all rivers find the ocean, all vloggers eventually go to Disneyland.

Some people might think it’s a little embarrassing talking into your phone to anonymous Internet people before eating an outrageously priced corn dog. Some people might think it’s a little vain, believing that the world truly cares about one’s opinion of Space Mountain. Some people might even realize that Disneyland is just about the most covered subject in the vloggosphere.

But not the vlogger.

If you’re lucky they’ll give you an autograph.

Jaded Annual Passholder

Quite a few locals have “annual passes” of various qualities and prices. They’ve been to the park roughly 50 times, this year. They’ve ridden everything, eaten everything, bought everything. And their general opinion is that it’s, ‘meh.’

It was always better before, but at the same time, the annual passholder lives for the things that are new. They’re there, bright and early, to make sure you can’t even see that new thing that’s so cool to buy and/or eat.

They’re also there to make sure that not a single day goes by where the park isn’t crowded and the lines aren’t long. They know lines; they live in lines.

People need jobs, right?

Spoiled Kid

Disneyland is a great place to find out if your child is spoiled. And the answer is yes, your child is very, very spoiled.

That realization hits around the time Spoiled Kid goes on a ride they like and refuses to budge until they can ride on it again. They cry, slump in their strollers. Not even the normally pacifying tablet computer is enough.

It could also be a toy, or a character. In a park built on stimulation overkill, Spoiled Kid will find something they absolutely cannot have but absolutely have to have right now.

This event sometimes comes as a surprise to parents. As if this is the first time they’ve ever said ‘no’ to their child, and they’re just now learning the results.

It often leads to another Disneyland person you’ll meet — Child Abuse Dad.

Suicide Watch Worker

You would think that trying to direct angry, tired hordes of people through bottlenecks and overcrowded shows would make people snap. They probably do… but those aren’t the workers you meet.

Those brittle spirits got fired immediately after the cursing rampage. The ones you meet are the survivors, the ones whose souls have been broken. Only their bodies are waving those flashlights and directing you. Their minds are remembering better times from the past.

But those times are gone. Now is Disney. Now is the minimum wage job that will demand all of you and give you nothing in return but a end-of-the-year discount on all merchandise and food, plus free tickets on days that are not blocked out.

All that being said, it’s still a fun place to go.

Might I recommend, use the fast passes wherever possible — and if you really want to see all the details, this book might be a big help.