Bike Snob’s Last Word

I’m With Stupid

Back in the 20th Century, transportation in New York City was simple. We had public transit, taxis, cars, bicycles, and our own two feet; apart from the odd shirtless rollerblader, it was all rather prosaic. Sure, we may not have had any bike lanes, and yes, the Williamsburg Bridge was about to fall into the East River, but at least you knew where you stood — and that was usually in the path of a careening driver.

Then things started to get complicated: Citi Bikes, e-bikes, scooters, e-scooters, those zany Onewheel things that the frat bros teeter around on like Rosie from the Jetsons. There are now at least five subcategories of bicycle alone (regular bike, docked shared bike, e-bike, shared e-bike, dockless shared bike). Many people are scared of all these rapidly proliferating contraptions. But should they be?

To a large extent, our fear results from evaluating these vehicles using an obsolete framework. The template that we once used to judge transportation — which simply said that people came first and single-occupancy cars last, based on carbon footprint — is no longer applicable because there are now so many more options in between walking and driving. And we are expecting all those options to fit in our existing bike lanes. Don’t get me wrong, the bike lanes are fantastic. It’s just that by the time the city finally got around to installing them the concept of a “bike lane” had already become obsolete. (I think we’re now supposed to call them “micromobility conduits” or something.) Basically we’re cramming a bunch of new cutlery into the silverware drawer, but we’re using that same old organizer we bought at the Container Store 15 years ago.

Given this, in 2019 it makes far more sense to rank transportation modes by the potential for havoc instead of emissions levels. We need a new framework, a Human Stupidity Hierarchy.

Obviously, pedestrians remain on top. For all the propaganda about distracted walking, how awry does the old heel-toe express go, really? Maybe you wind up in one of those weird hallway face-offs where you can’t decide which way to pass each other, but even a serious pedestrian collision really just means you spilled your coffee on someone. For example, drivers crash through storefronts, injuring many, with horrifying regularity. Meanwhile, I once walked into a plate glass window while getting a hangover egg sandwich at a deli, and the only thing that was wounded was my dignity. Even the window remained intact.

So what about the oft-maligned and much-feared e-scooter? Capable of eye-watering speeds of up to 20 mph and twitchier than a dog having a nightmare, surely they have a very narrow margin for human stupidity — plus the CDC is studying them, so clearly they’re the most dangerous thing since it became fashionable to forego your vaccinations, right?

Nah. Scooters are quite able to absorb our stupidity quotient, and as such should ride high in the Human Stupidity Hierarchy. Consumer Reports found that there were 1,500 scooter injuries since late 2017, which I guess was supposed to be scary but totally isn’t, especially when you consider that people are taking millions of scooter trips, and that drivers have easily caused 1,500 injuries in the time it just took you to read this sentence. In terms of being a public health menace, scooters are probably less dangerous to the general public than those retractable dog leashes. (Hospitals treated 16,564 retractable dog leash injuries in 2007, according to Consumer Reports.)

In addition to fretting about scooters, people love to worry about e-bikes. So where should they sit on the hierarchy? On the face of it you’d think that e-bikes would have less stupidity compliance than regular bikes for the simple reason that they go faster. In fact, it’s likely that e-bikes have greater stupidity compliance, and indeed serve to absorb the impact of human stupidity, since they’re more likely than regular bikes to replace car trips. Consider food delivery in the outer boroughs, where suburban-style car delivery used to be common, and have now been largely replaced by e-bikes. In this respect, e-bikes are ridding our streets of cars like bivalves cleaning polluted waterways, and thus should be prioritized accordingly. (As for the risks e-bike riders pose to others with their speed, in the absence of any meaningful data I’d posit that the most common injury is the ego damage that comes with getting passed on the bridge.)

At the very bottom of the Human Stupidity Hierarchy is the private car. To date, humanity has created no greater magnifier of its own stupidity than the automobile. It may be profoundly wasteful as a form of urban transportation, but when it comes to transforming stupidity into pure killing power, its efficiency is unmatched. Press the wrong pedal and — voilà! — you’re inside a Wendy’s. Or on the sidewalk in front of the school during dismissal. Instead of making accommodations for the car, we need to isolate and contain it.

In 2019, anyone not in a car is still dealing with an “armor up” mentality, donning helmets and taking refuge behind jersey barriers. Instead, we need to deescalate and equip as many people as possible with the safest possible tools for getting around. You can’t tell people not to drive and then limit their access to alternatives. The human-powered bicycle drive-train may be the most efficient conveyance in history, but the transportation revolution will be motorized. Fortunately, this revolution involves replacing Hemis with something more akin to the motor in your toothbrush. I say bring ’em on.

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