An Overdue Conversation With My Mother, Rosalee
running out of time series
By: Cody Charles
I once asked my mother why she named me “Cody.” She responded, “I’m not sure, I think your Aunt Connie mentioned it, and it kinda stuck.”
I remember being disappointed with this answer, yearning for so much more- craving intentionality and thoughtfulness, and then I remembered I was the youngest of four. Rosa Lee’s creativity for baby naming had dried up by the spring of 1983.
Probably also important to mention is that this ask was only 4–5 years ago. I’m certain this says a lot about my childhood, my life at this moment, and my relationship to family- specifically, my mother.
Honestly, who doesn’t know why they were named what they were named until their damn near 30 years old? And I do understand that there are circumstances where knowing this information would be rather impossible, but those were not my circumstances. As I write this, I’m reminded of the baggage we carry, and the long con we engage to unpack it.
This exchange sparked a curiosity in me. What other stories have my mother not shared with me? What DON’T I know about her, quickly shifted to what DO I know about her. And the answer was not much.
After 34 years of living, I can’t tell you basic things about her. I don’t know her favorite television show, favorite movie, favorite season of the year, favorite meal, or favorite courtroom drama.
Below is my exploration of Rosa Lee, the individual, who also happens to be my mother. I am asking questions today, as tomorrow is not promised. As Lin Manuel (Hamilton) expresses, I’m gonna write like I’m running out of time. And, I’m gonna ask the questions I often dream of, while I can.
Here is the first interview of what I hope to become the running out of time series.
Before we start this interview mama, I want you to know that you will get paid for your time. I will get the money to you once this piece is complete. I’m paying you for a couple of reasons. (1) I’m paying for your labor, which is a byproduct of your willingness to share pieces of yourself (2) Just in case you get petty with me for something (external to this interview) and don’t want to complete the interview, I will gently remind you that there is a check that has not been mailed yet.
Love you! Smooches (in my Régine voice)
Cody Keith Charles: Let’s start slowly, what is your favorite color?
Rosa Lee Ned: My favorite color is pink, because it contrasts nicely with my dark skin.
CKC: Agreed, you have beautiful dark skin, and the pink really does put it on display. Though, I mostly recall you wearing more yellows than pinks, which also highlights your flawless dark chocolate skin.
RLN: Oh no, I wear pink a lot. You just haven’t been around. You really wouldn’t know, as you only come around once a year at the most.
CKC: Is that SHADE?
RLN: Well…
CKC: <eyeroll> Moving on.
What were your favorite things to do as a young girl? What were you like?
RLN: As a kid, I was tom-boyish. I didn’t grow up with new toys, as some other black children did. We were poor. We learned to use our surrounding environment instead.
A long time ago, people would buy the old coca cola bottles and throw the bottle caps on the ground outside of the store. My brother and his friends would walk to the store and pick up hundreds of bottle caps and come home and call those caps their army. He and his friends would then take cardboard boxes and build their forts and form two armies going to war- I would join in sometimes.
CKC: Sounds fun. However, I’m glad I grew up with other forms of entertainment, one being the Nintendo. And until this day, it is a huge plus that it can be played in the air conditioning. What else did you enjoy doing?
RLN: I learned to make paper dolls using big catalog books. I cut pictures out of catalogs and made my own paper dolls. Sometimes I played mom with a white doll because at that time that’s all they manufactured. There was no such thing as black dolls.
Also, some days my brother and I played conducting funerals with flies that we placed in matchboxes and buried them.
CKC: Lawd, I really do come from a creative people. Ha.
You’re pretty even-tempered. Have you ever gotten into a fight?
RLN: Yes, I’ve gotten into a fight before.
CKC: Lawd, please say more. What were the circumstances?
I took my children to a birthday party and one of the other children picked a fight with my child. I tried to settle this argument with the parent by talking to her, but she would not let go of children’s mess. It was then that I realized it would be in my best interest as well as hers, to leave this birthday party, and take my children home. I did not want to get into any altercation with this parent over children’s mess. I did not choose to fight. About 30 minutes later, the parent came to my home singing that same tune that I left behind. What was I supposed to do? I had to defend myself. She provoked me to physically fight over something very petty. I called it children’s mess.
CKC: Who won?
RLN: Chile, please.
CKC: Bahahaha. Okay, okay.
In all your years on this earth, what is some of the best of advice you have been given?
RLN: Save your money, tell no one you got money, manage your money, learn to be selfish with your money and you will always have money when you need it!!! This advice came from Cody Charles and Shelia Loeb Dixon.
CKC: You aint ever lied. I meant every word. Any advice given to you from Grandma Bertha?
RLN: Thank God for my mother (Bertha) who said to me and I quote: “Never be afraid or ashamed of the color of your skin. God created you and loves you, and wants you to be the best that you can be.” Mother also said and I quote: “Get your education because it isn’t promise that you will land a good job without it.”
CKC: What exactly did she mean?
RLN: She was letting me know that white folks wanted black folks to always be counted as less, and would always stand in the way or (block) black progress.
CKC: I miss Grandma Bertha. Thank you!
CKC: You’re 64 years old and single, and from my vantage point haven’t had much luck in love. What would a perfect date look like for you now?
RLN: My perfect date would most likely be a disaster. I won’t ever allow anyone to control me or talk down to me. I like my freedom to fly as a bird fly; to think freely as I think (absolutely no mind control); to freely go as I go; freely come back as I decide; and freely eat what I decide. To me, it is the best life ever in my book. I love it! I have no interest in turning over my life into no man’s hand, other than God. I am very happy with my life and the freedom that God has given me. Money cannot buy this peace. Amen!
CKC: Well, then. Hallelujah. But do you have a type? Hehehe.
RLN: I’m really not interested in dating. But to answer your question, he has to be himself, and allow me to be myself…but most men don’t. I need him to do his thing, and then I do my thing, and then we can come together and have fun. But again, most men are jealous, possessive, and controlling. I want us both to feel free- no trust issues. The man that was closest to the right man was Rashad, but we argued too much.
Oh, But first and foremost, they gotta have a job!
CKC: Bahahaha. Okay. Switching gears.
CKC: You survived Hurricane Katrina in 2005, living in Eunice Louisiana. What are some of the items/things you lost in Katrina? Which things were most important to you?
RLN: Dear son, I lost all of your graduation pictures in Katrina. I surely would appreciate if you would consider getting me copies of those 8x10s. Your graduation pictures with your BA Degree from Texas Tech got destroyed in Katrina, and I never had a picture of you when you graduated with your Masters degree.
CKC: I can do that! Did you lose my baby pictures too? Old family pictures? I don’t have any.
RLN: I lost everything. I don’t have nothing. I kept them all in a box, and the entire box was lost. I am really upset about it, and torn up. I lost your baby pictures, and your headstart pictures. My heart hurts over it.
CKC: <deep sigh> Mines too. But it’s alright.
CKC: I know you went to Grambling State University for a year, and then went home- what was that like for you?
RLN: When I went to college it was exciting for me, especially considering the fact, I was always sheltered and I had never been away from home. For the first time in my life I was experiencing what it was like to be on my own. At first, I was home sick but finally got over that. I begin to mingle with my roommate and other peers. I made friends and tried to do my best in my studies. I started to go to parties and got wild. I wanted to have fun, but what I thought was fun, wasn’t fun at all. It was a total distraction to my future. I did not realize this. I lost my focus and didn’t want to stay in school anymore. Everything my parents sheltered me from is what I wanted to do. College is a good and positive thing, but you have to be ready and mature enough for college. You must understand your role, your purpose, and your goals. College is education. Everything else is insignificant.
CKC: This is so interesting, especially as I consider my career in higher education. In theory (not practice), I’m somewhat hired to help students like you graduate.
You ended up getting a bachelors degree, to all of our surprise (your four children). I remember wondering why you would spend time, energy, and money on a degree, this late in life. How old were you when you completed this degree?
RLN: I completed my degree program at the age of 59. It was important to me to complete my degree program because I wanted to prove to myself that it’s never too late, and I’m not too old to earn my degree. Now I have my Bachelors Degree in Social Science with an Education Concentration, and a minor in Child Development. Although my mother (Bertha) is gone, I know she smiles down on me. I am very happy with myself, and I ask God for good success with my degree.
CKC: I’m so proud of you, and I’ve been thinking about the type of person who can make this happen at the age of 59. In addition, you are Black, woman, and poor (only in socio-economic status). I’m marveling at you at this very moment.
Switching it up again.
CKC: So, you have a queer son, lol. What are your thoughts on having a queer son?
RLN: My thoughts are, you are my son, and I am your mother. I love you because you are a gift from heaven given to me by God regardless of being gay. You are of my flesh and of my blood and that is the only thing that matters to me.
CKC: Virtual high-five! (though I can push on the regardless part)
CKC: I feel kindred to Grandma Bertha, even though she passed when I was 8. Who was Grandma Bertha?
RLN: Mother was kind but outspoken. Many people did not like my mother because she was outspoken and she told the truth. Many people do not like the truth, they would prefer you tell them what they want to hear, even if you lie. My mother was not built that way; therefore, she had many enemies. None of my mother’s relationships with people were based on “I like you.” The undeniable fact is, her relationships with people stood up because it was based in “truth.”
CKC: Definitely, sounds a little like me! It’s in the blood.
RLN: Grandma Bertha was a woman who loved her children and wanted us to be happy. And she wasn’t as strict as my father, so we had a different relationship. We learned quickly that we didn’t have any wants. Our wants were their wants. Their key objective was to teach us obedience, first to God and then to them.
CKC: Why is that?
Because they knew the circumstances and situations we would face later on in life so they reared us in church, teaching us the ways of the Bible; which taught us morals, values, and principles. The principles of the Bible direct ones path.
CKC: I vaguely remember you telling me a story about Grandma Bertha smoking a cigarette in church. Do you remember this story?
RLN: Oh lord, have mercy, that’s the truth. She forgot where she was. She started smoking in church, and everyone began to stare at her. And she was trying to figure out why. She was getting mad about it too. Eventually, an usher came up to her and told her she was smoking, and she cussed loudly, saying “oh shit” and hurried out. Your grandma was all over the place.
Another quick story- when I was a child, momma drove to the store across the street (small non busy road) from our house, and when done shopping left the store and walked home. The store owner had to call her to come get her car. I also remember her driving in the wrong lanes a lot. She was a mess with cars.
CKC: That’s probably why I don’t ever remember her driving when I was a child.
CKC: I remember the day she died. You were sitting at the kitchen table in our small Texas apartment, in tears- hours away from our hometown, Eunice Louisiana (where Bertha passed away). What was your relationship like with Grandma Bertha?
RLN: My relationship with my mother was awesome. Although I was hard-headed and made many mistakes; my mother loved me unconditionally and was always there for me even when I did things she told me not to do. My mother understood me. She understood things that I didn’t understand about myself, and so she would say to me, to trust God and meditate in scriptures. As time passed, she became ill. I was there for her as much as possible. Later, mother died. She always wanted the best for me, but she knew I had to learn the hard way, until finally, I decided to give my life to Christ, and my life has never been the same.
CKC: Thank you for sharing.
Why are you a Christian?
RLN: I do not boast about who I am; I am who I am. Neither will I say that I am a Christian. However, I will say that I am trying to live my life as close to God as possible by living life purposefully, and allowing my life to speak for itself.
CKC: Hmm. I hear that. What is the most meaningful scripture to you?
RLN: The most meaningful scripture to me is Hebrews 11:6 quotes: “Without faith it is impossible to please [God].”
CKC: Let’s switch gears a little. Growing up, I remember you loving Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris movies. I watched all of them with you, which was cool bonding between mother and son. What is your obsession with Steven Seagal and Chuck Norris?
RLN: I love action movies. Steven Seagal plays a role most of the time as a martial artist good guy who catches bad guys smuggling drugs. He is against drug cartels. I like all of his movies.
In one movie, I specifically remember Chuck Norris playing a role of a martial artist villain. He fought for drug lords. I am not as obsess with Norris as I am with Steven Seagal. The only TV show I like starring Chuck Norris is Walker Texas Ranger.
I like watching good people do good things, in life and fantasy.
CKC: Bahahaha. You are a bit of a blerd. Before you ask, Black + nerd!
RLN: <eyeroll> (I’m certain that an eyeroll occurred)
CKC: (Because I really need to know this) Do you have life insurance?
RLN: Life insurance is key importance to me, but I cannot afford it with pre-existing conditions. It would cost me at least $65 a month.
CKC: Noted. We’ll look into it.
CKC: Do you still write?
RLN: I sometimes write. Lately I’ve been having difficulty putting my thoughts and words together. My words and thoughts are inspirational; meant to inspire, and I cannot write unless I am inspired by the Holy Spirit. God reveals His words to me. I have to be alone in a very quiet place.
CKC: You use to fill legal pads on Sunday afternoons with thoughts, as you smoked your Doral Menthols and drank a cup of Folgers coffee. What did you write about?
RLN: My legal pad is filled with Godly thoughts to help at risk teenage girls, boys, and children in special education learn God’s word- the morals, the values, and the principles they need.
CKC: Really? I always thought you were documenting your love life. Ha. I was going to suggest you find those legal pads and write a “how to fall in and out of love…safely” book. I suppose you can still use your notes, but it would be a much different book.
CKC: Is there anything else you want me to know? Anything you want to share?
RLN: Hell, I done told you my whole life story. What else you want? Lord.
This piece means a lot to me, and I’m going to hold on to those details for now. My hope is that the reader is able to make some sense out of this piece, as it relates to their relationship with love, joy, perspective, and accountability.
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This is the work of Cody Charles; claiming my work does not make me selfish or ego-driven, instead radical and in solidarity with the folk who came before me and have been betrayed by history books and storytellers. Historically, their words have been stolen and reworked without consent. This is the work of Cody Charles. Please discuss, share, and cite properly.
Bio:
Cody Charles is the author of Black Joy, We Deserve It, The Night The Moonlight Caught My Eye: Not a Review but a Testimony on the Film Moonlight, 5 Tips For White Folks, As They Engage Jordan Peele’s Get Out. (No Spoilers), Radical Friendship Contract: 10 Expectations for Loving People Fully, 10 Common Things Well-Intentioned Allies Do That Are Actually Counterproductive, A Letter to Black Greeks Who Happen to be Black and Queer, and What Growing Up Black And Poor Taught Me About Resiliency. Join him for more conversation on Twitter (@_codykeith_) and Facebook (Follow Cody Charles). Please visit his blog, Reclaiming Anger, to learn more about him.
