How Important Is That First Serious Relationship After Your Divorce?
Hint: it’s very important.
Perhaps you’ve been on a few casual dates here and there, or maybe even fooled around a little and had your first one-night stand in years.
You’ve come off that high of being physically desired again, and you’re starting to enjoy single life, but then the moment comes when you find someone you want to get serious with — and to your surprise, they want to get serious with you, too.
It doesn’t have to be any more serious than deciding the relationship is official, and it’s time to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend, to give you plenty of new emotions to deal with.
Just let that sink in for a moment, that one simple thought, “I have a boyfriend/girlfriend again.”
When was the last time you experienced the beginning of a new relationship? Five years? Ten? Twenty?
And who did you last experienced it with? That’s right, your former spouse.
Breathe, don’t panic.
The first thing you have to keep in mind is that your new significant other is not your spouse — which is exactly why you’re with this person and not still married.
You’ve also changed a lot since you last dated someone. Married life has changed you, but the process of leaving married life has changed you even more.
You have become stronger, more aware of what your standards are, more determined to keep your boundaries. If you have underage children, they’re your priority. You make your new relationship adapt to your duties as a parent, which is tough work, but worth it.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, dating after a divorce feels significantly different than it did before you were married, and that first official relationship is more important than it may seem at first glance.
You’re re-learning how to be in a commitment relationship, how to have a significant other who’s just starting to get to know you, instead of someone who’s known you for the best part of your life.
You’re also re-learning what it’s like to get to know someone, and how to navigate a relationship without a history.
Your first serious relationship after a divorce helps you understand where you’re at emotionally, and it will give you plenty of other insights.
It reminds you you’re still desirable as a partner
The first time you score a date, kiss someone, and have sex after your divorce reminds you that you’re still physically desirable — and it can feel like quite a high.
Having someone interested in a serious relationship with you is a different high altogether.
After a divorce, you may worry no one will ever want to commit to you again. You may fear you’ve missed your one and only opportunity at partnering up for life. Having those fears challenged by the evidence in front of you feels rather empowering.
It tells you you’re not broken. It reminds you you’re not damaged goods. You’re a person who’s worthy of another person’s attention, love and care.
It’s a great feeling. Enjoy it.
It doesn’t have to be haunted by your past
But it should be informed by it.
Divorce shapes how we view people and relationships, but it doesn’t have to make you bitter, distrustful, and scarred for the rest of your life.
Allowing your wounds to heal won’t take away any of the precious lessons you learned.
Instead of seeing your new relationship as something you can’t mess up, try to see it as an opportunity to asses how much you’ve learned from your divorce — and how much you’ve grown from it.
Let what you’ve been through inform your decision-making, but don’t let the ghost of your dead marriage haunt your new relationship. Remember, your new partner isn’t your ex, and you’re not the same person you were when you were married.
Be thankful for that.
It puts your standards to the test
After your divorce, chances are your standards for a partner have become higher, not lower. Starting a serious relationship will put those standards — and your willpower to enforce them — to the test.
Don’t let yourself falter. Yes, this is the first person who’s been interested in having a serious relationship with you since your spouse, but they’re not the last breathing person on Earth, and being alone beats being in a bad relationship every time — you should have learned that by now.
Don’t be afraid to put your standards to the test. Don’t be afraid to scare them away — if they’re put off by your standards, they’re not the one for you anyway.
It doesn’t have to move too fast
Your connection is incredible. You understand each other, and you both want the same things out of life. You can’t believe you found such an unicorn amidst all the craziness that is the dating scene.
You’re feeling lucky, and you want to hold on to that luck tighter than one holds on to a winning lottery ticket.
But you owe it to yourself to make sure you’re not moving too fast.
Measure your relationship progress by your own internal compass. Are you moving in the right direction at a comfortable pace, or are you accelerating blindly without making sure there isn’t a cliff straight ahead?
Make sure you stop to watch out for red flags just as often as you stop to smell the roses.
It doesn’t have to move super slow either
Yes, it’s difficult to open up to someone new after a divorce, but until you can be vulnerable with again, you will be missing out on having a complete, fulfilling relationship.
It makes sense to be cautious, after all, you’ve learned to look for and recognize plenty of red flags, but if you find yourself being too cautious with your new partner, it might be a sign of a deeper issue, such as you not being as ready for a relationship as you thought you were.
Loving requires you to put your heart on the line, take a few risks. If you want to cultivate a good relationship after a divorce, sooner or later you’ll have to take a chance on someone.
It doesn’t have to last forever
It’s tempting to want to hold on to the first good partner you find after a divorce.
That might work out for some people, but the sooner you let go of the idea that this time it’s forever, the easier it will be to go with the flow and see where the relationship does take you. Without forcing anything, without putting too much pressure on yourself or on your new partner.
Your first serious relationship after a divorce doesn’t have to last forever. If it ends, you’re going to be just fine.
You may fear another rejection might be too much for your wounded heart to bear, but trust me, it’s not.
You survived the breaking of a marriage, you can survive the breaking of a new relationship.
Perhaps that’s all this relationship should be anyway, a reminder that you can still do it, and a trial run of how to do it. And if it works in the long run and you’re happily ever after, then great.
If not, you learn you can survive another heartbreak and keep moving on.
