The law does not protect you or your kids from narcissistic abuse, plus 13 unexpected lessons

You married a narcissist and had children with him (or her). Now what?

I am not a family law attorney. So, what qualifies me to speak on this?

My first marriage was to a dad whose ex-wife had custody of their kids, so I came to learn about these issues from the point of view of a dad, trying to protect his rights to access and defend himself against parental alienation. As I’ve mentioned in other stories, my second marriage was to a narcissist who won custody of his older kids in a knock-down, drag-out dirty custody trial. And now that I am divorcing him, I am out to protect my own children from him, while under the same legal restrictions as everyone else. All of that to say, I am speaking from my own experiences.

Photo by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash

It’s complicated

There are so many factors to consider when divorcing a narcissist and sorting out a parenting plan including child custody.

• income — who was the primary breadwinner during the marriage will influence custody and support.
• jurisdiction — whether you steadily lived in one county, or if you moved recently, for example, if you had to flee for your safety. The county will have restrictions on which entity has the authority to hear your divorce and child custody case.
• primary caregiver — who was the primary physical and emotional caregiver of the child and whether that can be proven.
• possession — who has possession of the children at the time of divorce filing.
• appearances — how does the overall situation look on paper. The narcissist will use everything he can to his advantage.
• the children’s age — whether they can physically protect themselves, if necessary, whether they can vocalize (to you) any concerns they have, whether they will be allowed to speak to an attorney or a judge, and whether they will have any say in where they want to go.
• your state’s laws on divorce, alimony, child support, restrictions, and definition of standard visitation.
• child support — whether you will pay child support, receive child support, or neither of those; it seems nothing can be taken for granted or assumed. The answer will be “it depends”.
• visitation — whether there is any LEGAL reason to limit or block the narcissist’s visitation altogether.
• the cost of hiring a lawyer — how are we even supposed to figure out how to come up with the retainer fees.

Proceed with caution

If you’re at the point of divorce and are worried about how it will play out, well, you’re right to worry. Proceed anyway. But proceed with caution. It’s not a normal divorce.

Unexpected learnings

Here’s a brief summary of my key learnings based on my experiences.

1. Perception is important. How the story appears, on paper by a listing of facts is important. It matters how you present yourself, how you dress, what you do, and how you communicate.
2. The narcissist is a master manipulator and will use that skill to make himself or herself look like a perfect and reasonable person. That person will use EVERYTHING they know about you, against you. Do you have a bad memory? They’ll use that to make you look like a liar. Do you have PTSD? They’ll use that to make you look unstable. Are you a victim of child abuse? They’ll use EVERYTHING they know about you, against you.
3. Facts. What can you prove? I’ve seen some pretty offensive, explicit and damning text message records THROWN OUT. Do you have case numbers from police reports, investigative results from a child services agency, and what exactly is contained in those reports. Are there photos, or videos, do you have any evidence that can be presented? Stories, feelings, friend’s testimonies, and the children’s side of the story — are almost always worthless.
4. Do what you can to get the legal protections you need from the divorce process. However, the law can only provide you legal protection, at best. The emotional instability, the psychological abuse, the impact of the other parent lying to your children, and the financial abuse (in many cases) is not a legal issue, as it is not criminal. So that divorce decree and the money you spend on a lawyer can only do so much.
5. The narcissist will likely get either standard visitation or custody. In my experience and in my personal opinion, the odds of limiting visitation or removing access altogether are very low. I’ve seen physical abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, psychological abuse, horrible parenting, homelessness, and addiction and none of that changes the outcome of access. The courts are very hesitant to restrict any parent’s access to their children. I included this on my list because your expectations in this area will influence your feelings, the money you spend, and how you handle the entire legal process.
6. You will need an arsenal of skills, weapons, and protections in order to raise your children while co-parenting with this unstable evil. The legal decree is one of many … so set your expectation, and make sure you’re developing in other areas as well.
7. Even if everything goes your way, the other parent always has the right to file a modification. Never let your guard down.
8. Even if everything goes your way, there is no guarantee that the other parent will follow the order or comply. Be ready to deal with that or be ready to enforce the order which would bring its own problems.
9. Focus on being happy, stable, healthy, and secure — for your children. Seeing that limiting or preventing access to the children is not a likely outcome, then you have to accept that your child will visit this parent and will be exposed to the antics and the confusion. You must be the calm, reasonable, stable, and safe space for your children. Really — you need to take care of you. Especially in this situation, self-care is not selfish.
10. Everything you fear will not come true. Try to worry less. You can’t control everything anyway.
11. You fear what you fear, for a reason. Try to be selective about which fears and worries you preemptively protect yourself and your kids from.
12. Your feelings will change. When you’re still in the home with this person, you feel a certain way. When you’re no longer in the home or in a relationship with this person, you feel a different way. When you’re initiating the divorce process versus when the divorce is finalized you will feel differently. When you have long breaks from any interaction with this person, you’ll definitely feel different. So be careful not to go with your feelings. Make decisions. If you have to, write down your logic for making that decision and then stick to that decision even if it feels like you should do something different. They thrive on yanking you around — you have to become firm, stable, and strong in your decision-making.
13. Talk to less people. Talk to yourself instead. Talking to people can feel good at times, for validation or for direction, or just a listening ear. Be careful who you are taking advice from and who you are allowing into your inner circle. Go through your circle and scrutinize EVERYONE — who has your back? who believes you? who is still in contact with the other person? who generates drama or gossip? who causes you to question yourself? who makes you feel calm? And instead of trying to follow the advice of “people” … learn how to have difficult conversations with yourself. You. What do YOU think? What do YOU want? What have YOU experienced? How do YOU think this will play out for your children in your specific situation? You are your own best friend.
14. Whatever you think it’s going to be, it’s not. There are no guaranteed paths, journeys, or outcomes. Every case is different. Just do your best every step of the way.

One final thought, find resources to educate yourself on this topic. One of the more eye-opening, evidence-based resources I have found on this topic is an organization called Custody Peace. Check them out today on IG @custodypeace.

You will make it through.