The relationship with the narcissist is over. Here are 15 Reasons I am sharing the story.

The relationship is over. Why am I writing about it? Why am I sharing the story? Why am I publishing this view of my life? Finding the answer to this question is important because I don’t want to do this for incorrect reasons. I invite you to follow me down this yellow brick road to explore the motivation behind sharing the story.

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15 Possible Reasons

1. Revenge. This isn’t really my style or my motivation. I’m not doing it to expose anyone. That is the reason it is important to keep my real identity anonymous. My intention is never to “out” someone or cause more drama in the world for people I consider to be narcissists, or for those in their circle of influence. It’s not about them.
2. Defend me. Yeah. I think this is a big one. I value having external validation, and I want people to think highly of me. So much so that for many years I had an external pretend life and a very different private life. This is part of the problem and how I got myself into such a huge mess. I need to be careful to pursue my objective, without getting distracted by external validation or invalidation.
3. Explain why I stayed so long. There are reasons. And it’s worth exploring, for my own understanding and also to help others who are stuck right now.
4. Elicit empathy from my circle. Coming across as a victim would be more favorable than coming across as an abuser. Am I desperately hanging on to my victimhood, to avoid the pain of the accusations of my ex? He can’t be right about me. Watch me explain why.
5. Refuse to be a victim. Throughout my life, I’ve responded to trauma with an “I am not a victim” attitude. I tried to prove to the world that I am ok, I am not a victim, I was not victimized, I am not damaged, I am not at the mercy of someone else, I am me and I do things because I want to and I take responsibility for them. It turns out, that’s all a bag of lies I sell to myself. But also… I’m not sure how helpful it is to view this problem through the lens of an abuser and a victim. What if there were a different way to frame up what’s happening here?
6. Leave a written explanation for my kids — I’ll die one day. My kids may have questions when they look back on their childhood. I want them to know I tried to the best of my ability (my admittedly limited ability) to do what was best for them always.
7. Help other people get out of the situation — There is a way out! There’s a roadmap! I promise!
8. Shine a light on the crazy-making, the chaos, the things that are hard to explain to outsiders.
9. Draw a picture of how these issues cascade through multiple generations.
10. Get clarity for me, on how I let this go on for so long. How and why did I do this to myself? What were the prerequisites that made me a good candidate for this role? And why was I unwilling to see it clearly, or to act in my own defense?
11. Explore the complicated dynamic between the abuser and the victim — the concept of reactive abuse, the breadcrumbing, and how hope is used as a tool of abuse.
12. Declutter my mind and make sense of things for my own understanding, my own peace. So that, one day, I will be able to let it go and move on.
13. Rescue my kids from the same destiny, by identifying the root causes and figuring out how to guide them to safety.
14. Complain and make excuses for my life being a mess and how it’s not my fault.
15. Show how going to church was detrimental to me at times — to show how there can be a contraindication between a preaching and an abused person that causes something much worse. To reach pastors and help educate them on the nature of this type of abuse, and the impact their words can have in both a positive and negative way. To help pastors find resources to educate themselves on the topic.

The list yields some good reasons and some not-so-good reasons. My intention with this article is to be vulnerable and explore the situation like an archeologist might explore a site. I have to believe shining a spotlight on this mess will bring value to someone. I don’t know who. But I’m taking a chance and exposing my experience as a child of a narcissist and a survivor of a marriage to an abusive narcissist.

I hope it helps … someone.