The Mormon Repentance Ferris Wheel
Sin, Guilt, Shame, Depression, Confession, Happiness, Repeat
For many years I lived on The Mormon Repentance Ferris Wheel
This is what it looks like:
I’m going along, things are going well.
The next thing I know, I’ve made a mistake, I did something wrong.
Something I feel guilty about, something I shouldn’t have done.
Damn, why did I do that? I’m really starting to feel bad now.
How am I going to get rid of this feeling? I think I need to tell someone.
I’m going to go tell my Bishop. He’ll help me get rid of this feeling.
The following excerpt is a one-sided conversation with my Bishop:
“Bishop, I did something wrong.”
“You want to know the details?”
“Well, I was on the Internet, on Instagram, minding my own business,
when this girl liked some of my pictures, which were just normal pictures
of me doing stuff. Then she followed me, so I followed her back, being neighborly and all.”
“She started sending me pictures. At first, they were funny pictures. Then they were playful pictures. Then they were sexy pictures. Then they were pictures of her with hardly any clothes on.”
“Of course, I was titillated. One thing led to another and as I went to tell her not to send any more of those pictures to me, I found myself on a page that I shouldn’t have been on. By then I had already started touching myself and before I knew it, I had masturbated, and it was all over and done with. And that’s how it all happened.”
“I’m really sorry that it happened. I feel really bad that it happened. I know we’re not supposed to do that. And I promise I’ll try not to let it happen ever again.”
“Yes, I realize I said the same thing a couple months ago, but that was different. I was on Facebook then. I’ve stopped using Facebook. I guess I’ll need to stop using Instagram now. Thanks for the talk, Bishop. It’s been very helpful. I feel a lot better. Not so depressed. Yes, thank you very much.”
A month or two goes by by.
I’m going along, things are going well………
And the cycle repeats.
Additional Thoughts
Obviously, this is a humorous look at this subject, but there is a more serious side to this Ferris wheel idea. The feelings of guilt and remorse often translate into feelings of worthlessness and even suicidal thoughts. The guilt from going through this cycle starts to wear on one’s psyche to the point where one would rather kill themselves than confess their sins again to their bishop.
It becomes even more complicated when one is married, because Mormons are counseled to confess their sins to their wives in addition to their bishops, if it involves things like pornography and masturbation. And the teachings of the Mormon Church lead women to believe that watching pornography and masturbating is equivalent to cheating and that the guilty man is a sex addict if he is unable to control his urges.
And yes, it is strictly against Mormon policy to masturbate whether you are a teenager or an adult, whether single or married, and it doesn’t matter how much sex your wife is willing or unwilling to have with you. You are not supposed to masturbate. The following is the official church handbook on the subject from 2021. It only mentions teens, but the unwritten policy includes adults. Trust me, as an adult Mormon, I suffered the consequences, many times.
I welcome any thoughts or comments on this ferris wheel concept. Please share your experiences, positive or negative about guilt, shame, repentance, christianity, mormonism, whatever you want. This is a judgement-free zone.
© Rockwell Porter Johnson 2021
Here are some of my other pieces.
