Estranged From Family at Christmas
How To Get Through The Festive Season
“Music was my refuge. I could crawl into the space between the notes and curl my back to loneliness.”
― Maya Angelou
Regardless of whether it is by your choice, or you are the one that has been cut off, estrangement can be difficult to cope with for many at times of the year like Christmas and Birthdays.
Dr. Lucy Blake from the Centre for Family Research at Cambridge University stated:
‘… essentially, an estrangement is a relationship breakdown between adult family members. It can cause a lot of pain and some people wish their situation was different, whereas others feel relieved.’
There can be an infinite amount of reasons why estrangement may have occurred. Sometimes, it isn’t even estrangement but a lack of closeness as to why people may not be spending time with their family.
Sometimes there can even be a level of shame in admitting to others that you are not close to your family or you do not associate with them. Fear of being judged can be intense as it is often seen as a taboo not to have contact with parents, siblings or children. However, it is not that uncommon.
A 2015 study by US universities Purdue and Cornell found that one in 10 families with adult children do not have contact with one of their children.
The way that happy families are often portrayed on television at this time of year and the way that people are sharing on social media increasingly can also make this an emotionally fraught time of year.
My Personal Experience
In 1999 I left the religion I had been raised in (Jehovah’s Witnesses/JWs) and began a long journey of experiencing new things.
Christmas was one of those.
Having never previously celebrated Birthdays or Christmas (my own or others) it brought up feelings of trepidation, excitement, and loss.
Why loss you may ask?
Well, I found that especially at Christmas time seeing other people coming together with family and friends highlighted the fact that most of my family and friends no longer associated with me.
I was acutely aware of missing them, and my complicated feelings of both grief and also of anger at them for shunning me for leaving the religion surfaced.
For those of you who are unaware, there is no honorable way for a baptized witness (JW) to leave if you decide you no longer believe the JW teachings.
For me leaving involved telling the Elders in the congregation that I no longer identified as a JW and them announcing publicly to the congregation at the next meeting that I was now disassociated.
This meant that I was considered dead to all in the congregation. No longer to be acknowledged, spoken to, or associated with, even by family members.
Dealing With Loneliness
For those of us shunned by family members and past friends we previously were close to, Christmas time can bring up ambivalent feelings.
- Grief can feel all-encompassing as we witness others gathered together and happily celebrating both friendship and family relationships.
- For others, who have lost a loved one in death, or are living away from their family I can imagine similar feelings of loss and grief arise at holiday celebration times.
On the one hand, there is the opportunity to create new meaning and rituals in your life; either choosing to celebrate Christmas as a religious occasion or purely as a celebration of family and friendship.
You have the opportunity to include others who also may be single, and without family at this time for whatever reason and therefore not be alone.
Or, you can ask if you can be included in another family’s celebration if you feel close enough to them to do so. Many communities these days have a Christmas party (dinner or luncheon) that people who are alone can attend.
Planning ahead is important so you have the ability to both nurture and show self-compassion to yourself at this time.
Some years may be joyous and full of meaning and celebration, and then other years the emotions of grief and loss might hit out of the blue and shadow the whole occasion.
How to deal with such times?
Well-meaning new friends or family might naturally try and get you to focus on what you DO have in your life, or WHO you still have in your life, and counsel you not to worry about those who are choosing to shun you — it is THEIR loss, not yours.
And yet if you still feel intensely sad despite the excellent and supportive people you do have NOW in your life, you may then feel guilty over the fact you ARE grieving for people who may not even care or feel your loss as acutely as you are feeling theirs!
I think acknowledging the fact that emotional pain can sometimes not be countered by rational argument is the first step.
- Allow yourself some time to feel the pain, to let the grief occur. Write it out in a journal; burn a candle for those you have lost who are still alive but shunning you; or say a prayer if you are religious.
- Be kind to yourself. Have a hot bath if this is what you like.
- Do soothing things for yourself. Treat yourself to a massage or manicure. Something that will help comfort you, and preferably involve human contact.
- Try not to binge drink or overindulge in comfort foods but allow yourself to have nice things if you are able.
- Give yourself some alone time if this is what you need so you can cope with the happiness around you when you are feeling sad inside, and you don’t have to keep putting on the “happy” face at all times.
Visualize Locking Emotions Into a Box
There are cognitive behavioral techniques that can be effective in snapping our brains out of thinking about situations that create sad feelings in us.
If you are feeling overwhelmed by sadness at a time when other family/ friends or activities are needing your attention or presence, try visualizing a large chest or box and putting all your thoughts and feelings in that chest and locking it with a large padlock and key.
- Give yourself a designated time that you will open this chest.
- Allow enough time when you visualize opening the chest to allow all those thoughts and feelings to be expressed and felt. Sit with them. Then lock the chest up again.
Doing this will help you to stay emotionally available and present to those who love you and deserve your attention but also still allow you time to grieve.
- I found the effort of recognizing the sad thoughts, then putting them figuratively in the box each time they arose, took a lot of time and effort. However, even though it appeared to be never-ending at first, it got more comfortable over time.
This visualization may appear simplistic, and I have read about others who tried it that it did not work for, but it worked for me.
It helped me be able to regulate emotions that often were overwhelming and were preventing me doing things with my children, or being fully present for others.
Knowing that at the designated time that night I would be able to sit and unlock that figurative box and indeed think and grieve for an hour if I wanted to, helped me cope.
Acknowledgment of Pain
Other things you can do to help if you feel sad and upset because of missing those who no longer are part of your life are:
- Make a time and date to have some time on your own or with a trusted and supportive friend.
- Look at pictures of those you grieve.
- Share memories.
- Cry and allow yourself a hug if needed.
- Let yourself nurture the childlike self-inside of you that is feeling abandoned and unloved, and needs to be heard and comforted.
- Never underestimate the value of cuddling a cat, dog or another pet.
Sometimes just the allowance of this can allow room for happiness to flow in at the time of the celebratory occasion, and to experience pleasure for the family and friends we do have, who do want to see us.
Reframing and Reaching Out
Times of celebration often can remind us of those who are no longer with us. Feeling this is normal, and instead of berating ourselves, we sometimes need to recognize the loss before we can fully acknowledge and appreciate emotionally those who we still DO have.
- Maybe writing a letter or getting a card or something small but meaningful for those who are still in your life, letting them know how much they mean to you, can be a way of refocusing your mind.
Recognizing that your ambivalence at Christmas maybe not just about the loss of those in your past, but maybe fear of loss in the future again, perhaps by those who are still in your life.
Thoughts of “What is the point, people always let me down, how can I trust anyone again?”is an attitude that can be confronted and challenged.
It can be hard to fully trust and love new friends and relationships as the fear of being cut off again sometime in the future can make us shield our hearts and not fully feel their love and not allow us to give love either entirely.
Recognizing that love is ALWAYS a risk and that some people might disappoint or leave us in the future, is essential; but NOT allowing ourselves to love and realize we HAVE survived loss, sometimes great loss, stops us from being fully alive and fully human and happy.
Social interactions are at the heart of being human and give meaning to most people’s lives, so preventing ourselves from fully experiencing and enjoying these interactions is forever condemning ourselves to a life devoid of the fully enriched experiences that human interaction can bring us and others who interact with us.
Letting others in is a GIFT we can give ourselves, and to those we love who have entered our lives. They deserve our full presence and unconditional love as much as we deserve their unconditional love.
So please realize this Christmas that if you do feel some ambivalence that this is entirely normal in the circumstances. Allow yourself time to grieve those who are no longer here, but then allow space for those who are in whatever way you are able.
Blessings to you.
“The more you share unconditionally what others most need, the more you will receive what you most want.”
― Dragos Bratasanu
I want to leave you with this 100-year-old poem entitled Mizpah.
A condensed version of this poem was often written on broaches in Victorian times and given to a loved one who was traveling away and is gone for a long time or given to widows and widowers.
Mizpah by Julia Aldrich Baker
Go thou thy way, and I go mine,
Apart, yet not afar;
Only a thin veil hangs between
The pathways where we are.
And “God keep watch ‘tween thee and me”;
This is my prayer;
He looks thy way, He looketh mine,
And keeps us near.
I know not where thy road may lie,
Or which way mine will be;
If mine will lead thro’ parching sands
And thine beside the sea;
Yet God keeps watch ‘tween thee and me,
So never fear;
He holds thy hands, He claspeth mine,”
And keeps us near.
Should wealth and fame perchance be thine,
And my lot lowly be,
Or you be sad and sorrowful,
And glory be for me,
Yet God keep watch ‘tween thee and me;
Both be His care;
One arm round thee and one round me
Will keep us near.
I sigh sometimes to see thy face,
But since this may not be,
I’ll leave thee to the care of Him
Who cares for thee and me.
“I’ll keep you both beneath my wings,”
This comforts, dear; One wing o’er thee
and one o’er me,
Will keep us near.
And though our paths be separate,
And thy way is not mine,
Yet coming to the Mercy seat,
My soul will meet with thine.
And “God keep watch ‘tween thee and me,”
I’ll whisper there.
He blesseth thee, He blesseth me,
And we are near.
