Will You Sponsor a Family This Christmas?
A Story of Hope & Renewed Faith in God and Community
The sight that greeted me could have come straight out of a horror movie. There must have been hundreds of cockroaches that had come out in the dark, and when the light had been turned on they had run in a million directions. The whole wall and floor were covered with them. Olivia had gotten up to go to the toilet, and had put on the light. Her screams as she had run into my room and jumped onto my bed had woken me. We spent a restless night with little sleep with all five of us in my bed.
We had moved into the government housing only the day before. It was a lowset three-bedroom brick home. The backdoor opened straight into a lounge and dining area combined, and all the other rooms radiated off this central room. There were bare wooden floorboards and bare windows. But it had been freshly painted inside and out, had a new stove, was affordable, and was ours for as long as we needed it. So I was grateful.
Unfortunately, the next few nights, after the exterminators had been, were worse as the cockroaches that were still living were now half dead, and when the light went on they were staggering and dropping as they tried to run. This meant they were dropping from wherever they were onto our beds, couches, floor, or benches. Thankfully, within a few days, most of them were gone. We could laugh about it later, but it was beyond disgusting at the time.
I had kept my car as I had commenced studying at the local Technical and Further Education College (TAFE) for my enrolled nurse diploma. I needed to drive to my practical sessions at varying hospitals to start my shifts, and so my single parent government pension was being used to keep my car on the road, pay for petrol, and buy books for my studies. I had been relying on food vouchers from various organizations to buy food after paying for our rent, car, power and other bills.
It was humiliating having to go ask for food vouchers to feed my family. Most people I obtained them off enabled me to keep my dignity intact, but some people’s approaches made me want to shrink and disappear into the floorboards.
This particular week I was really struggling with exhaustion from studying, trying to manage the children on my own, and my depression. I woke up one night close to Christmastime. It was to be our first Christmas in this home. I was determined to celebrate it with my children.
I no longer knew what I believed in a religious sense or if I even believed at all in a supreme being, but I was still praying at times and looking for evidence that, if there were a God, I maybe was still acceptable to him. I had recently bought a book from a bookstore entitled What’s So Amazing about Grace? by Philip Yancey and been introduced in that book to a God who gave unconditional love freely. It was not a concept I had been taught previously. It was therefore not so much the religious aspect of Christmas I wished to celebrate that year but rather the principles of giving and family time that I felt the story of Jesus personified.
However, I was struggling to feed us basic food and had nothing financially left over for extras. Sometimes I could get only a packet of porridge, sugar, and eggs to make scrambled eggs and porridge all week, or else I relied on potatoes in their jackets that I baked in the oven and then grated cheese over. This was cheap and filling but boring and monotonous after a while, and I worried in regard to whether the children were getting enough vitamins and proper nutrition from their limited diet.
I was so lonely for my family and old friends who were all in Jehovah’s Witnesses, it felt like a physical pain continually through my body. The physical pain of never being hugged or touched for months by another adult in any way was also taking its toll on me, and this was totally unexpected. I ached for human contact. The longing just to be held or have some sort of physical contact was indescribable.
This particular night I woke up in the middle of the night feeling full of fear, anxiety, and despair. Everything felt too hard.
After quite a long time spent crying, I was exhausted. It was dark and silent in the night.
I was still struggling with questions such as: Did God exist? If he did, was I condemned for my doubts? Did he understand why I doubted? Did he consider me an agitator like Eve? Or was I considered disobedient for not being in submission to my husband? How did he feel about my separation and pending divorce? Did I have a bad heart for leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses? Did he really see me as a ‘dog returning to its vomit’ as I had been taught?
If there were no God and no plan, what then? Where did I fit in? What was I going to do? How was I going to make new friends after leaving the Jehovah’s Witnesses when I found it such an anxiety-producing exercise? I was so lonely at times, it made me feel physically ill.
Most people, when they learned I had left the Jehovah’s Witnesses, were happy for me and asked me why I had stayed in it so long. Sometimes I experienced understanding from people, and with others I felt on edge, judged, and found wanting. I then asked myself, “Why did I stay so long?”
The answers I gave myself, I could not tell other people who mostly had no understanding and whom I felt would not get it.
There were the feelings of being special, unique, chosen and supported by God, and part of an intense band of supporters isolated from the rest of the world.
There was the ever-present dream of a better life if only you obeyed the instructions given by the organization for this life in Satan’s world at this time.
There was the absolute surety of having an answer provided to every question and of never having to live with doubt.
There was living each week with a full program of activities that gave purpose and meaning to your existence and helped you feel like part of something larger than just yourself.
The overwhelming emotion I was feeling that night, though, was aloneness and absolute separateness from everything around me. With all this going through my head, and in a state of exhaustion, I ended up putting my hands together in desperation on the bed and praying over and over in my head and then out loud, “If there is anyone out there who can hear me, please show me I am not alone, please show me I am not as condemned as I have been told I am, and you care. Please show me you have heard, and I am not alone.” After saying the words out loud over and over, I sunk into a sleep of total exhaustion and slept solidly until the morning.
The next day I felt so tired while getting the kids ready for school that I decided I had to give TAFE a miss and come home to catch up on some sleep after dropping them at school. I felt exhausted through to my bones. Whilst we were still all getting ready to leave there was a knock at the door.
I didn’t recognize the young man standing there asking me if I were the person whose name was written on the piece of paper in his hand. I recognized the van in the drive-through. It was the van that came on Wednesday nights and delivered bags full of leftover bread and pastries to my house along with other people to whom they delivered. I had started receiving the drop-offs after the bakery told me someone had given them my name. I never found out who had, but it was an enormous help.
He said he had a gift for me, and he came in with a white laundry basket full of food and goodies. He placed it on the table. I was ecstatic, stunned, and really grateful. The young man looked embarrassed but happy, and with barely a word he left as quickly as he had come.
The children were all jumping around and pulling things out, looking at what was in the basket. They were thrilled as not only were there packets of Weetabix and practical food, but boxes of chocolates and biscuits and other junk food also. They were dropped off at school with happy hearts and in high spirits, and I drove home feeling a bit lighter and looking forward to a long sleep.
I had only just gotten in the door when there was a phone call. It was someone from St. Vincent de Paul. He said someone had nominated my family to be sponsored for Christmas a number of months ago, and could I please confirm my name and the names of my children? He then went on to say that unfortunately, they had trouble with one of their vans, which meant they would be unable to deliver the items, and would I be able to come to pick up the gifts later that afternoon? He gave me their address, and I said I would be there.
After I had picked up the kids from school later that afternoon, we continued on into the city to collect the items. When I got to the building, we were ushered into a warehouse area that was filled with white baskets all done up with colorful cellophane wrappers and ribbons, and full of food and presents. There were too many to count. The man found which one belonged to us and helped carry it out to the car. It appeared full of food and goodies. I went to shut the boot and he said, “Oh no, there are lots more!”
There was one whole basket full of wrapped gifts for each of the four children and for myself. There was also two baskets full of food and a Christmas ham that was too large to fit into the basket that came out of a fridge. I barely could fit all the items in my car!
I was stunned, grateful, and humbled, and the children were beside themselves with excitement. We drove home with the children balancing baskets on their knees and continually turning around and trying to guess what the presents might be in the baskets.
We unloaded the car of all seven baskets and placed them on our small dining-room table. Because there were too many to fit, we put the rest onto chairs. We all sat and looked at them, and the children started dancing around the table in glee. We unwrapped some of the food and had a feast for tea that night. Our fridge could only just fit all the perishable items plus the ham and bottles of soft drink.
Later on, when it was dark, there was another knock on the door. A man was standing there with his wife, and they both had white laundry baskets full of food in their hands. I didn’t know who they were. They introduced themselves and said they were from the local Anglican church, and they had sponsored us for this Christmas.
I didn’t have any idea who might have put our name forward, as I had never been to this little local church and didn’t think I knew anyone who had. I told them I had unexpectedly been sponsored by another group, and would they, therefore, like to give the food to someone else? The lady said that a lot of the nonperishable items could be saved for later, and they would really like to leave them with me. I thanked them profusely and took the baskets off them and into the house. They didn’t stay but disappeared as quickly into the night as they had appeared.
I now had eleven baskets full of food and gifts on my table, chairs, and bare floorboards. I was filled with a sense of the surreal, and my heart was full of disbelief and gratefulness for all these strangers who had blessed my life. I could not have been further from the state of distress I had been in the previous night when I had cried out to God to please show me a sign that I was cared for.
I looked a bit more closely at the last two baskets to check if there were any more perishable items I may have missed to put in the fridge. Under the cellophane cover, I could see an envelope.
I pulled it out, and on the back of the flap, someone had written To Someone Special. I opened it up and inside was a letter. This is what it said in block writing:
I AM THE LORD YOUR GOD, AND YOU ARE MY CHILD. I LOVE YOU, AND I AM WITH YOU ALWAYS.
BE NOT AFRAID OF YOUR ENEMIES; ALWAYS BE
COURAGEOUS, AND THIS WILL PROVE TO THEM THAT THEY WILL LOSE AND YOU WILL WIN BECAUSE IT IS ME, YOUR GOD, THAT GIVES YOU VICTORY.
I, THE LORD, WILL FIGHT FOR YOU, AND THERE IS NO NEED FOR YOU TO DO ANYTHING, FOR I HAVE NOT GIVEN YOU THE SPIRIT OF FEAR BUT OF POWER AND LOVE AND A SOUND MIND.
REMEMBER ME, JESUS, IN EVERYTHING YOU DO, AND I WILL SHOW YOU THE RIGHT WAY. I TELL YOU, WHEN YOU PRAY AND ASK FOR SOMETHING, BELIEVE YOU HAVE RECEIVED IT, AND YOU SHALL BE GIVEN IT. I WILL GIVE YOU WHATEVER YOU ASK IN THE NAME OF JESUS
I WILL INSTRUCT YOU AND TEACH YOU IN THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO. I WILL GUIDE YOU WITH MY EYES UPON YOU.
DON’T BE AFRAID! STAND YOUR GROUND, AND YOU WILL SEE WHAT I, THE LORD, WILL DO TO SAVE YOU TODAY.
YOUR HOLY SAVIOUR,
JESUS.
