Overcoming a Deep Childhood Fear of God
Going on a Journey Within to Find Acceptance
“Fear has to be the opposite of God because it is the opposite of love. Fear is selfish, needy and focused on you. It makes no sense for God to want you in fear about Him or your life.
It comes down to this: either God wants you to live in fear of Him, always afraid you aren’t good enough and focused on yourself, or He wants you to live in love, knowing you are safe, and focused on loving other people. Which feels more accurate to you?”
― Kimberly Giles, Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness
Why Did I Fear God so Much?
I was very frightened of God as a child, and this carried on through my teenage years. I was brought up in an authoritarian religion. The Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- We went to five meetings a week.
- We had a family Bible study once a week using a publication by The Watchtower Society, which is the voice of the governing body of the Jehovah’s Witnesses.
- We read scripture every morning before we went to school, and we had scriptures to memorise and door-to-door witnessing of our faith to other people on the weekends.
- In my family there was no reading of literature considered worldly or about other faiths or other ideas. All television and films we watched were strictly monitored.
- We were not permitted in my family as children to eat lunch at school we had to walk home and have it.
- We were never permitted to associate after school with children from school.
- We were not permitted to engage in extra curricular activities.
My father hired a television over winter and we were allowed to watch programmes like The Waltons and Little House on the Prairie but little else. Due to my mother’s depression and my father’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) we rarely had other visitors over, or were allowed to have other children over to play even within the same faith.
Hence, I had quite a warped view growing up of how other families lived. I had this perfect bubble of fantasy built around these limited television shows of what the ‘perfect’ family was like.
Our view of the world as children was what we heard taught from the Bible at the meetings.
Satan the Devil
1 Peter 5:8 “Be sober-minded; be watchful. Your adversary the devil prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour”.
We were taught from the bible that the world all lay in the control of Satan the Devil, who invisibly walked around like a roaring lion seeking to devour someone. This could be any of us who chose to show too much interest in the world or its activities. As a child this was terrifying.
I had a recurring nightmare from a very young age of being chased by a lion that no one else could see. Everyone else was going about their affairs quite happily and did not seem aware that this lion was on the loose. I would end up going into a house and climbing up high on a shelf or in a cupboard to hide and the lion would come in and get to me. This nightmare dream persisted well into my adult years.
The only place to stay safe was within Jehovah God’s organisation, and the only way to stay safe was to adhere strictly to its laws.
Armageddon — Eternal Destruction
For everyone not within the safety of God’s organisation, and for everyone not yet baptised and therefore not having the protection of God’s spirit, there was the ever-present danger that if Armageddon came when they were still in this state, they would be destroyed for eternity by God, Jesus, and his angels.
We had a book published by the organisation called Paradise Lost, Paradise Regained, which had graphic pictures in it of Armageddon, showing the earth opening up by earthquakes and people falling into the cracks in the ground, which would then close up over them.
There were illustrations taken from passages in the bible that spoke about people’s skin sliding off, lightning and rocks falling from the sky, buildings collapsing, and people falling to their deaths or running terrified with nowhere to hide.
It was a terrifying prospect to be on the wrong side of God, and we were taught that this war of righteousness was going to come in our generation.
“You might be unsure about the true nature of God (or the life force in the universe) even if you have well defined religious beliefs. I say this because you might have been taught two conflicting ideas about God. You might have been consciously told God was love, but at the same time been subconsciously taught He might condemn you if you aren’t good enough. These two ideas don’t mesh and they cause a great deal of confusion for most people.”
― Kimberly Giles, Choosing Clarity: The Path to Fearlessness
We had to be ever vigilant that we were not doing anything of which God would not approve.
- In one of the congregations we associated with, skirt lengths had to be exactly two inches below the knee and no less or they were considered immoral, and men were allowed to wear only suits with ties and white shirts for meeting attendance.
- Women were not to wear androgynous clothing or wear their hair in any style that would make them look more like a man than a woman.
It was very much left up to the local elders to interpret what was and what was not acceptable, so there could be quite large variations of allowed dress and behaviour from congregation to congregation.
Sexual Teachings
So many things could cause us to lose God’s favour according to The Watchtower (a magazine published by The Watchtower Bible & Tract Society).
- For married couples spending too much time even thinking about sexual things was condemned, and certain sexual practises were deemed immoral even within marriage, such as oral and anal sex.
- For single people masturbation was deemed a sin linked to weakness and filthiness. The elders gave talks warning people against succumbing to the practice of it and The Watchtower also printed articles against it.
- Any confession of wrongdoing had to be made to the elders, even about things we heard about, so God’s Spirit would not be removed from the family or the whole congregation. Wives and husbands told on each other, and children on their parents, and friends on each other, for fear of losing God’s Spirit.
Rape
The elders talked about rape from the platform and The Watchtower wrote about it, discussing how, if a woman did not scream or fight back she was consenting to the sexual act even if it were forced upon her.
“The Bible …also offers counsel on what one should do when threatened with rape. What the Law says on the matter is found at Deuteronomy 22:23–27. This covers two situations. In the first case, a man found a young woman in a city and lay down with her. Even so, the woman did not scream or cry for help. Consequently, it was determined that she was guilty “for the reason that she did not scream in the city.” If she had cried out, people nearby might have been able to come to her rescue. In the second instance, a man found a young woman in the countryside, where he “grabbed hold of her and lay down with her.” In defense, the woman “screamed, but there was no one to rescue her.” Unlike the woman in the first instance, this woman clearly did not give in to the actions of the attacker. She actively resisted him, crying for help, but she was overpowered. Her screaming proved that she was an unwilling victim; she was not guilty of wrongdoing”.
There was written clarification from the organisation that sometimes a woman “might freeze” and that would be taken into consideration, but the emphasis was always on the scriptures about screaming and fighting back.
My Horror — Guilty of ‘Consent’
I had been sexually assaulted when I was about 9 years old in a tennis court one afternoon near where I lived. At the time I did not have a name for what happened to me. I froze when it happened.
After listening to one of these talks in the Kingdom Hall one day, I came to the realisation that I had been raped on the tennis court. There was a name for it. To my horror I realised that because I had not screamed or cried out for help, I was guilty of consent in the eyes of God.
In the talk that was given, the Old Testament scriptures were discussed where the woman was led out of the city and stoned to death when she was found guilty.
I had nightmares for years about being found out or, at Armageddon, the ground opening up and my falling in, and my family seeing and knowing I had done something obviously really bad to be killed by God.
Masturbation
I’d had an acute awareness of my body since my Pop had started to touch me when I was between the ages of 4–9 and even more after the sexual assault. I would touch myself when I was alone to comfort myself even though I was still very young. It was almost a form of self-reassurance or self-healing that let me know that I was real and okay.
But with all the talks on masturbation, I couldn’t help but feel even more dirty, tainted, evil, and bad. I was horrified that God could see me and know what I was doing as I couldn’t hide anything from him even my thoughts.
I remember getting obsessed about whether my hymen had been broken after hearing a scriptural talk mentioning it at a meeting. We had a reference book called Aid to Bible Understanding, a big, thick, blue book that was an A to Z of Bible questions and explanations.
I remember looking up the word virgin in it multiple times as well as looking up back issues of The Watchtower magazines (which went back to the early 1900s) to try to determine if I were technically still a virgin or not. It spoke about the Hebrews having a cloth a bride put under her on her wedding night that was then shown to all the people the next day with blood on it, so everyone would know the bride was a virgin. If she wasn’t she could be stoned to death.
I was haunted by worries.
- When I got married, should I wear white?
- Would my husband know I was no longer a virgin?
- How would he know?
- Had my hymen been torn?
- Had the blood in the bath after the assault been from my bottom or my vagina?
I worried and was anxious so much as a child and teenager over these things. I would take a mirror and try to look at my hymen, and I couldn’t tell if it was intact, and I was scared. I thought about my not screaming or fighting back against the man on the tennis court, and I felt fearful I had to make it up to God and show how sorry I was.
I know my Mum’s friends often mentioned to her how they wished their teenagers were as good and spiritual as I was; my mother passed these comments on to me with pride.
All I felt was fear along with a sense of being dirty and bad, and a strong desire and need to strive therefore to be “good.”
God Can Read Our Thoughts
We were taught that God could read all thoughts, and thoughts were as bad as doing the act, so we had to work hard to eliminate all wrong thinking from our minds as God would judge us even on this.
As a deeply sensitive child with a vivid imagination, the thought that God was watching my mind and able to discern my thoughts even before I thought them terrified me.
Often as a child I would feel angry inside of me, or have fantasies of rage but could not show it. We were taught:
Ephesians 4: 31 “ Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice”.
Plus, I already felt condemned by God due to feeling like I had not screamed when assaulted so I felt unclean and rejected. I understand now that this led to a situation that went on for many years.
Every time I went to pray I had swear words come up in my mind. EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Of course, the more I tried to stop, the more it happened. In the end, I desperately tried to think of anything else but the prayer when it happened at the Kingdom Hall but inadvertently my mind would start focusing on the prayer and instantly the word FUCK would flood into my consciousness — over and over.
The feelings of absolute fear and unworthiness this invoked in me as a child are indescribable. I could not stop it. I felt I must be the most bad person that ever lived and I must deserve to die.
Trying to Earn God’s Love
It was emphasised that we were all born in sin, and sinners and therefore we needed to be thankful to God for saving us, through the sacrifice of his son. We needed to work hard and do our very best and utmost to show our appreciation to God. We were imperfect.
“Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me”.
But, it never ever felt enough. No matter how hard I tried. No matter how many meetings I went to, how much I prayed, how many hours I spent going door to door — the emphasis from the platform always seemed to be on Can you do more?
I never felt enough JUST AS I WAS. Spiritual maturity always was linked to how much I was DOING. It was not about BEING. About being accepted by God for my imperfectly perfect self.
As a young person and going forward into my 20’s and 30’s I strove with all my might to be acceptable to God in the way I had been taught.
- Despite having three children in six years, I enrolled as an Auxiliary Pioneer and then a Regular Pioneer. At the time I was still a Jehovah’s Witness an Auxiliary pioneer had to complete 60 hours in field service each month (door to door preaching) and a Regular Pioneer had to complete 90 hours a month.
- Every Jehovah’s Witness was required to record their monthly field service activity on a reporting slip and submit it for the elders to review. Pioneers were looked up to in the congregation as those who were examples in the congregation. So it was something I always strived for. I became exhausted and burnt out frequently but I always kept on pushing myself forward.
My Spiritual Journey Today
By seeking to know myself and my own motivations and inclinations, and by fully accepting who I am (including my shadow side and flaws) I hope I can find the place in me that feels connected to something greater than myself.
I struggle to believe in a personalised God.
I resist organised religion.
I spent years researching and attending other faiths both Christian and Non Christian after I left Jehovah’s Witnesses in my early 30’s. I learnt a lot about how other people perceive God, or a God of their understanding. I learnt about evolution and atheism.
My personal belief system is now made up of a smorgasbord of ideas that resonate with me that I have taken from what I have learned, experienced and understood so far in my journey.
“It’s not about finding ways to avoid God’s judgment and feeling like a failure if you don’t do everything perfectly. It’s about fully experiencing God’s love and letting it perfect you. It’s not about being somebody you are not. It’s about becoming who you really are.”
― Stormie Omartian, The Power of a Praying Woman
At some point, I had to step back in my search and focus on going to university, obtaining my degree, getting a full time job and providing for my family. There was not enough time to keep devoting as much energy as I had been to my spiritual search.
I basically decided that: If I truly believed that God was love, that he/she/it would accept me totally as I was, and where I was on my journey, and know my heart, and how much I wanted to understand, that I needed to let go my fear of NOT KNOWING, and TRUST and get on with living and putting my energies into my children and into growing a life for ourselves. So that is what I did.
Since I have left Jehovah’s Witnesses there has been a lot of FIRST’s to experience.
- The first time I went into a church I had a panic attack (I had been taught that I could come under demon influence if I went into a church).
- First time celebrating birthdays and Christmas and Mother’s Day.
- Reading books, listening to music, attending movies that I previously would have considered “too worldly” due to what I had been taught.
- Exploring new age ideas, energy healing, and other spiritual healing modalities.
- Dating to get to know people (Jehovah’s Witnesses only date with a view to marriage).
- Therapy: First of all ‘psychodynamic therapy’ when I first left Jehovah’s Witnesses and was being shunned by everyone I had ever known and struggling to cope with leaving my marriage and reforming my identity. Then in more recent years, a Gestalt therapist and a therapist experienced in somatic body healing work based on the trauma based work of Peter Levine.
- I still get occasional panic attacks. But rarely, now. I had one the other month when we had a huge thunderstorm pass over the house. We regularly get them in Queensland, Australia where I live, and I am normally fine but on this particular occasion, I had an involuntary physical fear reaction with massive panic over Armageddon and what if ‘they’ were right and I was about to die by God. Totally irrational but it just goes to show how deep rooted early childhood fears can be ingrained into our psyche and bodies.
Books
These are just a few of the books that assisted me the most in overcoming fear of God and helping me find greater peace of mind in my spiritual quest.
- Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winell
- What’s so Amazing About Grace by Philip Yancey
- Why People Don’t Heal and How They Can? by Caroline Myss
- Anatomy of the Spirit by Caroline Myss
- Universal Christ by Bede Griffiths
Finally, I wanted to say that I do not believe that fear of God helps anyone.
Fear of God prevents us from knowing ourselves fully.
It is feeling completely loved and accepted that allows us to fully look inwards at ourselves and put ourselves in a position where we can examine our unconscious and conscious motivations, and know ourselves.
“The most terrifying thing is to accept oneself completely.”
― C.G. Jung
What did Jung mean by this? I think he meant that our defenses are constantly trying to keep our shadow side unconscious. It takes great self awareness and hard work to become fully aware of and integrate both our healthy and not so healthy parts. Most people don’t have the desire, courage, or the ability to do this.
Once you have accepted yourself completely — you are in a very powerful position. You no longer have parts of yourself limiting you or tripping you up. You have self awareness.
This may be terrifying for many as no longer do they have any excuse for why they are not doing what they want to do in their life.
By loving ourselves, we can love others more fully.
I loved this saying when I came upon it on a wooden sign many years ago. I somehow sense that FOR ME it contains something that resonates as containing a kernel of truth, which I don’t yet fully intellectually understand.
“As the wave is part of the sea, and the sea is all of the waves,
So I am part of God, and God is in all of me”.
Somehow, it makes me feel less afraid. More connected. We are all part of the whole. Each of us individually. Just like a wave is part of the sea.
I feel less alone. More loved and accepted. More willing to accept others and their foibles. More part of everything around me. Not as scared of it all anymore. No need to isolate myself socially away from everyone else anymore. No need to have to hide parts of myself inside of me away. Fearful of them. Scared to be seen. But in acceptance I can moderate, and choose to channel my energies elsewhere.
Not in fear. But in living.
