Energy Healing — Is It For You?
My Journey Exploring Spiritual Healing
So, the thing is, I have hesitated to write this post.
I have a Bachelor of Science degree (majoring in Psychology) but I still come from an adult educational background valuing critical thinking and evidence-based practice.
I was brought up in a religion that condemned yoga, Reiki and any energy-based healing modalities that had any affiliation with the New Age movement.
It doesn’t matter that when I left the religion, I spent years exploring other Christian and non-Christian religions, and other alternate ways of thinking about the world. I still had a healthy mistrust of any who claimed to heal based on some mysterious energy source that I was wary of.
Visions of demons and devils lurking ready to ‘possess’ me crept up on me late at night, or in the early hours of the morning, when all my past irrational fears rose up to terrify me.
Despite this, I had benefited so much on a personal growth and development level from attending a weekly one hour guided meditation held by a lady at a local mall that when I met a lady who offered to give me a Reiki session at her house I was open to experiencing this. I found it deeply relaxing and I took home some books to read about it.
“From the unlimited wellspring of energy that flows from our center, life situations cease to be “too much” or “not enough.”
― Heidi DuPree, Awaken Your Greater Health: How Energy Medicine Opens the Way to Healing
Long story short, I eventually did a couple of Certificate courses and became a Level 2 Reiki Practitioner. I practiced it regularly on myself and others for a couple of years. Then I went years where only occasionally I would go to a Reiki treatment or practice it on myself. Mainly due to life. Other interests and other focuses.
About five years ago I met a lady through my then full-time job who was a mobile massage therapist. She used to do corporate massage once a week at my work and I would have a 10-minute massage with her. We became firm friends. This year she spoke to me about wanting to find someone to do Reiki swaps once a week on a regular basis with. I accepted.
Suffice to say that about 18 months ago I had a renewed interest in my own spiritual journey.
I had a breakdown. Burnt out. Lost the plot. Fell to pieces.
Literally. Fell to pieces.
Breakdown
Getting out of bed was a major undertaking. I left my job (it’s a bit hard to maintain when you can't even walk out the door). I went broke. I lost my house. I was on the verge of quitting life altogether.
But slowly I pulled myself up. I started seeing a therapist — again. I had seen one 19 years ago when I left the religion of my birth, my marriage broke up and I was needing help and support to rebuild my life.
But now was different. For it all to fall apart. Again. A second time.
I thought I had got past all this shit. The depression. The anxiety. The panic attacks. I was ashamed. I couldn't believe I was in this position again. I was terrified that I had once again slipped down that hole of absolute despair, back to the place of darkness, where everything felt like concrete, swimming through mud, and unbearably difficult to even breathe. Let alone think. Or do anything.
Survival was the only mode I operated in.
Wake up. A few seconds grace. Then, reality hitting. Realization. Mind-numbing depression and sadness. Soul destroying hopelessness and helplessness. Constant suicidal thoughts. Wanting to find anything to stop the weight of emotional pain. Emotional eating or, not eating. Drinking too much (alcohol — no, not water). Just surviving.
The only reason I survived was I loved my adult children (all who live in other parts of the country) and my husband. I loved them too much to kill myself. Because that is really what I wanted to do. But, I never wanted them to feel “I wasn’t enough for Mum to stay alive”. Or, “I wasn’t enough for my wife to want to stay with me”. I just could not do that to them.
I also, years ago, had read that children who have a parent suicide have much higher odds of choosing suicide as a way out themselves. I couldn’t bear that I may leave that legacy for them.
Healing
- So, I told my husband how bad I really was feeling. We made a pact.
- I started to see a therapist.
- I started some medication.
- I discovered art.
- I started daily walking.
- I started daily writing.
- Although I still bought ebooks I joined the library again, and went every fortnight and took out all the books I was allowed.
- I focused on healthy eating. Drinking plenty of water.
- I slowly started to improve. I found a part-time job. A third of the pay of my other job. But less stressful. Fewer hours.
But I still felt lost.
Major Life Change
I had completely changed the direction of my life 19 years ago when I had left the Jehovah’s Witness religion I had been in 30 years. The identity I carried of myself I lost overnight and had to rebuild. It was a long slow process. But I did it.
But now?
I had completed my degree and worked for a government agency in a job I had loved and totally immersed myself in. I had an idea of my future.
Now I no longer had that job I had trained for. I had no idea what I was going to do.
What would give meaning and purpose in my life (besides my husband and adult children)?
I was a person who needed a passion. A purpose.
Art filled the gap for a while. I immersed myself fully into learning to paint (self-taught) and started selling my art. It was a major factor in my healing.
Spiritual Journey (Doubt, Confusion, Anger)
And then I was invited at the start of this year to do a Reiki swap with my friend. Each week.
In my spiritual journey this year I have gone through periods of being intensely angry with God.
Also, wishing with my whole heart that I could stop doubting and just believe again.
I missed the absolute surety of belief I had with Jehovah’s Witnesses.
I tried to ‘make myself’ believe that I believed’. Tried the old adage ‘fake it until you make it’. I managed for just under a month.
But then the anger started. And confusion. And fear.
I had some old deeply held beliefs I had been unaware were deep in my soul that came up in dreams, and in therapy and during my walks. I felt so unworthy of being loved. Of feeling that I was unforgivable and so what was the point?
- My old childhood fear of God resurfaced. My desperate desire to just feel secure. To KNOW. To really know.
- But as well as this my rational mind and my own questions, doubts and strongly reasoned arguments, held sway more on the nonbelieving side.
So I had a lot of doubts about starting practicing Reiki regularly again. Especially while I was feeling this way. I was so ambivalent about it.
But I had enjoyed the Reiki when I had first practiced it years ago. I really had. So I said yes and we started doing our half-hour swaps for an hour each week. I would give her a half hour session, then she would give me one. I went to her house. She had the massage table already set up there, and the quiet space.
So this was the setting for my Reiki renewal if you would like to call it that.
What I Experienced
The first thing I thought as I lay on the table quietly, and focused on my breathing was how nice it felt to be in silence in close proximity to another person, who was purely focused on giving to me. It felt like fully focused love. I knew she was intent on allowing energy to pass through her hands into my body so my body could experience healing in the way it needed. My spiritual body, soul, and my physical self. This time was all for me.
I felt tears start to well up inside of my eyes. I focused on my breathing. Relax. Breathe. Slow the breath down. As her hands moved slowly up my body I consciously was saying the words in my head ‘Relax and Release’. I imagined my chakra’s (energy centers) opening up to receive what they needed from this universal energy. Either taking healing energy in or clearing themselves. I pictured a dark smokelike substance exiting my body through my feet, at the same time as imagining a white light orb above my head streaming into my body white light. At times I pictured a golden protective light surrounding my body. Only allowing in healing energy for the highest good. Closing my aura to all but that.
The soft music, incorporating gentle birdsong and sounds of water, was magical and the perfect accompaniment. I felt connected to the music and felt my soul soar in harmony, and gentle rhythm with it. My heart beat slowly in time and I was aware of how much more connected I felt with everything.
Thoughts entered and flowed through my head. Past events. People. Places. Things I had long forgotten. At times I felt my chest fill with unreleased sadness and tears came. Sometimes I did not know why. I had no thoughts just pure grief coming out. It was safe to cry.
We did not question each other. Or judge. We just could be.
The tears were gentle though. When they came. Not violent or overwhelming. A gentle release. Like pouring water from a glass without spilling any.
I started to look forward to our weekly sessions. There was a little conversation. Just for a minute or two prior to starting and after. We both had workplaces to attend, and we had scheduled the swap for the beginning of the day after her children had been dropped off at school so we both could leave immediately after and go on our ways.
But we both appreciated the self-awareness we were gaining. The insights. The feeling of focused love and attention we knew each other freely gave the other. With only the greatest good of each other in mind. We both were aware that during the days after our Reiki sessions things sometimes seemed more intense, emotions came more easily, and we were more aware of them and of other people.
“Finding the calmness or serenity in oneself effectively diffuses the judgments of others”
― Gary Hopkins
I valued this time. It became one of the most important times in my week. Where I was just ‘with myself’. Traveling inwards. Focusing on my breathing, how my physical body felt. Where it was tight and constricted. Where I needed to consciously relax my body. What thoughts and emotions were arising. I was aware of being the observer of myself. Non judgementally watching and being aware of what was happening internally.
The existential crisis I had found myself in, with all the questions and ambivalence and fear around God, and belief, all evaporated away. Sometimes the questions were still there, but they had less power. Way less power. They didn’t hammer down on my head beating me into the ground and overpower me with their force. I was just aware of them in the periphery. Hovering. Mostly just outside of my line of vision.
“Don’t feel bad about feeling bad. Don’t be frightened of feeling afraid. Don’t be angry about getting angry. There is no need to give up when we are feeling depressed. Nor should we be dismayed at the grief which often accompanies the outgrowing of anything which needs outgrowing. We can be glad that our soul is speaking to us and pushing us onwards. We frequently need to persevere with a period of inner turmoil before the dust can settle and be swept out the door.”
― Donna Goddard, The Love of Devotion
It no longer mattered to me WHY it was working. Whose theory was right? I knew the results were benefiting me enormously. At times I could feel tingling and movement in my cells and it literally felt like I was warming up with movement and energy where previously it had felt like concrete. I did not obsessively worry about why.
I was totally open to the fact that maybe it was placebo.
- It was my sheer desire to want inner peace and understanding.
- It was being fully present with another person.
- It was total relaxation.
- It was stepping back and observing instead of being immersed in emotion and thoughts.
- It was allowing myself this regular time.
It could be God. It could be angels. It could be universal energy. Or, it could just be me.
It no longer mattered to me. I focused instead on the results.
On my evolving connection with my dear friend. On how valuable this time spent with her, doing Reiki, was to me.
I still go. Every Wednesday morning. Occasionally we both have to cancel. Life happens. Unexpected and unscheduled occurrences. We both just accept. And plan for the next week.
Grace
But, through Reiki, I feel ‘grace’.
Divine Grace is such a beautiful concept. Even its definition gives a sense of its power. ‘Divine Grace’ has been explained as:
Divine grace is a theological term present in many religions. It has been defined as the divine influence which operates in humans to regenerate and sanctify, to inspire virtuous impulses, and to impart strength to endure trial and resist temptation; and as an individual virtue or excellence of divine origin.
C.S Lewis speaks of:
“the drippings of grace”,…which awakens a deep longing for “a scent of a flower we have not found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited.”
So, if you have ever been wondering if Reiki is for you. I would encourage you. Try it. You may find that, like me, it is an avenue for greater self-awareness and understanding. Providing a deeper connection to others, to the divine and openness to life itself.
Or, if not, at the very least you will deeply relax and feel refreshed.
