What I Grieved For The Most After I Left Jehovah’s Witnesses

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It was well after I had left Jehovah’s Witnesses (JWs) that I read a book that had a profound influence on me, and permitted me to grieve for all that I missed when I left the Jehovah’s Witness religion.

The book was Leaving the Fold by Marlene Winnell. She has a chapter in the book discussing the many things that people often miss when they leave a fundamentalist religion and struggle with not having in their life anymore. It had such an effect on me, as it wasn’t until I read it, that I consciously realized I had been missing these things.

• Firstly, there is the fact that when I was one of Jehovah’s Witnesses I had an answer to everything. EVERYTHING. If I wanted to know how to behave in a particular situation, why something was as it was, what a teaching was on something, ANYTHING, The Watchtower Society had an answer or a direction to follow — even if that direction was “wait on Jehovah, and he will reveal the answer in his own time”.
• Once I left JWs learning to live without a rule for every situation was strange. I felt like an alien who had landed on a planet, and I did not know what the rules and expectations were. I started to look for someone who had the answers or rules and kept up this search for some years. I attended many other Christian faith and non-Christian faith groups. I read extensively. I researched mystical and alternate beliefs. In my sessions with a psychologist, I asked her repeatedly what I was meant to do in certain situations. She always put the questions back on me.
• Social expectations were a mystery at times. What to do when another parent at your child’s school invites your child to a birthday party? Do you give money, buy a present, how much money is the “right” amount. Do you also buy a card, take food, do I go inside or drop off my child? Is there an expectation for a “responsible” and “socially accepted” response and if there was — where did I find the social rules and cues for these situations? Birthdays are just one example, but these situations used to fill me with angst, as I so wanted to fit in. I realized my anxiety was way out of proportion to the event, and often spoiled my initial enjoyment of many of these occasions.
• So, after I left JWs, I grieved the loss of the surety I had lived with, never having to think for myself, always having an answer as to HOW to live and WHAT to do in any given situation. I missed that tremendously at first, and it was not until much later I realized what a gift it was to self-determine how I was going to act and behave and why I was in certain situations. Making these decisions helped me rebuild an identity of who I was. Before I had been a clone, now I was a unique identity.
• Having a solid belief that Armageddon was going to happen, what I had to do to survive, what life was going to be like after Armageddon and what my role as a woman, wife, and mother was, all mapped out for me — felt solid, and safe and gave meaning and structure around my existence. I felt like I belonged to a group that was “us” against the world; that had special meaning to God; that we’re going to be survivors; that despite all the hate directed at us — this proved we were God’s chosen people, and this confirmed the future I was taught was going to happen, and I was going to be there. I felt strong, safe, secure, invincible when I had belonged to Jehovah’s Witnesses.
• After I stepped away from this my fear of the future increased, and what my role was in the world as a mother and woman became a looming question, and I felt adrift and lost and scared and panic attacks regularly occurred. It took time, and self-examination, and a real hard look at what was happening in the world, and asking personal questions like: Was the future going to be determined by a personalized God?” and so; Did I need to find the truth about this somewhere and follow it? Or; was it up to me personally to be responsible for what the future of the earth and society was going to be? And What did that mean for how I lived my life?

Over some time my connection to this earth, my connection to other people that I gravitated to who held similar worldviews that I had slowly formed — took shape — and my comfortableness with the insecurity of no longer having a doctrine that I believed in grew. I got used to living with not having answers and began to believe that there is no absolute truth or answers and there are many different ways of being and understanding.

I grew to become less judgemental of myself, and others, and more accepting of the role of genetics, past experiences, and culture and religion in shaping the views and actions of others. Therefore my views became less black and white and I began to see that there are multiple and complex reasons for why people behave as they do and believe as they do, and it did not all boil down to people being either “bad hearted” or “good-hearted” or “sheep” or “goats” or “believers” or “non-believers” as I was taught all my life.

I began to believe that if I could see this then IF there was a supreme being who had some sort of control over my future life then SURELY they could see this too (that just made common sense) and so I could stop worrying about the complexities of trying to work out TRUTH and just concentrate on living and trying to be a good mother and person and try my best in the small sphere of influence I had around me. I let go of fear and started to embrace life. It was one small step at a time and one small change in thinking at a time, but the panic attacks began to ease, and I started to feel more secure and happy to be alive on this earth and part of a society of humans who were all searching for meaning and just trying to be happy in the short time they have on this earth.

• Lastly, I missed and grieved the strong and intense bonds I had with my fellow Jehovah’s Witnesses when I had been a member. I have never recreated it since I have left and although I have a close and loving family now with my husband’s family and my adult children, and close and friendly ties and friendships — the intensity of the relationships with JWs has never been recreated.

Up until just recently, I had felt there was something wrong with me for not finding this. After long talks with my husband, I finally realized that my views on what constituted friendship and family had been warped by my upbringing in JWS. The relationships that were formed in JWS were very much strengthened by the fact that none of us associated with any “worldly” people or non-JWs. In some towns, I lived in we were a congregation of only about 50 people and so for many years, they were the only ones with whom I associated. Therefore the bonds were going to be intense and stronger. Also, the belief system that everyone else was “worldly” and Satan was a “roaring lion” out to get any of us that strayed away made the backlash against any that left or voiced dissent strong; and solidified the bonds amongst those of us remaining. The loyalty was intense and strong.

Although I grieved the loss of it, looking back, it was all based on CONDITIONAL love. Once I started to have genuine doubts, none of those I had considered my closest friends stuck next to me, supported me, or listened to what I had to say. I was dropped immediately and shunned just as I had previously done to others who had broken away from their belief. I realized that having friends “outside” of JWS who all had differing religious and political views and a variety of opinions on all different subjects, offered a richness and strength that might not feel the same but was based on unconditional love which would last and I would not be dropped if I changed my opinion on something.

So, permit yourself to grieve what you may miss from leaving your religion. Know that it will get easier. Know that some things won’t ever feel the same, but some of the growth, although painful, will lead to a richer and deeper experience and a more balanced view of life and people; and lead to you getting to know YOU and reforming your identity separate from a group of people who are all taught to think, feel and believe the same on nearly everything.

This is not normal or healthy, but it served us well while we were in it. I wish you all the best in your journeys of personal growth and identity.

Deborah Christensen is a writer, artist, published author and a disability support worker. She currently lives in Queensland, Australia and also has citizenship in New Zealand and the United Kingdom. She lives with her husband, and a rescue dog called ‘Lily’ and has six adult children (and one amazing grandchild) who live away from home. She’s on Twitter @Deborah37035395 and Pinterest and is the author of the best selling award winning memoir Inside/Outside: One Woman’s Recovery From Abuse and a Religious Cult.