Boundaries: Emotionally Exhausted
Becoming a Gatekeeper For My Heart
Do you ever feel emotionally exhausted?
Like you have given away your heart? Loved too much. Given too much.
Drained. Nothing left.
Give, give, give.
I felt like that many times over the years.
Until I learned about personal boundaries and understood how to use them. I had heard the term so many times but besides saying ‘No’ to someone sometimes, I didn’t know what it meant in a practical way in my life.
Recently I attended a 4-week workshop for women on developing self-compassion. I wanted to learn some practical tools that would help silence the inner critic and help me show the same love and kindness I bestowed on others — to myself. To be honest, I was also curious as to whether I was the only one who often had trouble at times being kind to myself.
I didn’t realise that learning to show self-compassion towards myself would also help me tighten up my personal boundaries and become a much more relaxed, energised and happier person.
Exercise 1: Multiple Scarves — To Make a Scarf Circle
During the course of one of the classes, we were each given a number of long scarves and we had to place the scarves in a circle around ourselves where we felt our energetic personal boundaries were.
I was fascinated as I looked around the room at how different all the scarf circles had been placed around each person.
Some of us had large circles.
Mine was at fingertip distance each side of my body, and the same distance from me, both front and back.
Sitting in the circle I felt an instant and strangely safe feeling.
It felt good to have the scarves around me. The physical presence of the scarves that defined my boundary felt safe and comforting. Almost womb-like.
I wouldn’t have believed that it would have such a psychological effect on me unless I had experienced it.
I wanted the physical visible boundary to remain with me always.
Like a hula-hoop of material cloaked around me that I could lift up off the ground and shield myself if necessary as I was out and about in the community.
The same feeling of strangely comforting safety was felt by all.
The scarf circle felt to me like I was saying “Here I am. I matter. I take up space. I am real”. Even the back of me had the scarf boundary net.
We all consciously felt a relaxing of our physical bodies. Like we no longer had to ‘watch our backs’.
Not that any of us had realized we were doing that — until we no longer were.
Exercise 2: Guided Visualization
We closed our eyes and were taken on a guided visualization.
We placed our hands across our heart space.
Concentrated on our breath. In and Out. Felt our heartbeat.
We were asked to imagine meeting our compassionate self.
Our compassionate self could be an actual image, colour, or sensed feeling, whatever came to mind.
We then envisaged our hearts opening up, unfolding (like a flower) and opening in compassion to ourselves.
We were then asked to call to mind the image of a person, a ‘neutral’ person, that we could feel love for. We imagined our hearts opening towards them and showing love, caring, and openness to them.
During the visualization, I was flooded with images. It has taken me a while to process them all but whilst it was happening it was like I had a sudden awareness of so many things I had previously not been consciously aware of.
My Heart Warrior
In my visualization, my compassionate self-was a Warrior Princess, replete with animal skins on her calves, her biceps and a bow and arrow drawn towards the sky in her hands.
She faced outwards away from my heart, and she had a warrior stance, feet apart, legs straight and the string pulled back on the bow with arrow poised to fly out at any time.
Ready to protect my heart.
All around my heart, were multiple pairs of eyes, all looking out, all consciously looking out for my heart centre.
Standing guard.
My Heart — An artichoke
In the middle was my heart.
My heart was like an artichoke. Exactly. The outer leaves or layers were thick and luscious but also quite rigid and tight.
As my heart petals were unfolding, I sensed how thick these outside layers were.
The centre of my heart, however, was soft and delicate, and fragile, although still strong. Beating strongly and rhythmically.
Instantaneous Interpretation
- I was ‘instantly’ aware that the outside of my heart had become tough and sinewy and thick due to my NOT having had a warrior looking out for who I gave its energy away too, and who I allowed in.
- It had been taken advantage of and hurt too many times to remain soft and open.
- I also was flooded with the realization that I had been operating my life and heart, in the understanding that I should give my heart love to ALL who crossed my path.
The archetype of the martyr came instantly to mind.
How my admiration for ones like Mahatma Gandhi and Nelson Mandela meant I had been operating under the premise of ‘turning the other cheek’, and showing love to my ‘enemies.’
Phrases like ‘kill them with kindness, or ‘shower them with love’ came to mind.
Boundaryless Heart
In my desire to try and emulate how Gandhi and Mandela lived and treated others, I believed that I needed to open my heart continuously to all and especially to those who did me wrong, as then, and only then, would I be practising a true spirituality.
I realised I was still operating under some false belief systems.
Susanna Barlow posed some questions to help expose the shadow archetype of the Martyr. If you answered yes to most of them you most likely are operating under the Martyr archetype.
- Do you think that is it better to give than to receive?
- Are others more worthy to receive good things than you?
- Do you feel that you don’t deserve happiness unless it is earned?
- Is it necessary to sacrifice in order to have the good things in life?
- Do you find yourself feeling resentful about a sacrifice you have made?
- Have you willingly sacrificed in an attempt to win love or approval?
- Do have many unfulfilled expectations of others?
The more that ones had acted unkindly or demanded more, I had given more of me.
What this meant for me, however, is that by having NO defined boundary, by giving my hearts love to those who take and take (like vampires) and give nothing back or show no appreciation, I had opened myself up to continual hurt, rejection, and disappointment.
My heart had needed to become hard, tough and closed to be able to survive the deep hurt and damage.
- I realised I had to start noticing who energised me and who drained me.
- I had to learn to ask myself, and my body, if I really wanted to do it. And then listen to the reply.
New Understanding — Personal Boundaries
By embracing the warrior princess as a protector of my heart, I realized that I am safe and able to open up, blossom and allow whom I choose into my personal space and into my heart space.
I understand it's not BAD and it is not SELFISH to keep my boundary defined. To assess whether or not I WANT to give or spend time with whoever approaches me, or enters my world.
“When you notice someone does something toxic the first time, don’t wait for the second time before you address it or cut them off.
Many survivors are used to the “wait and see” tactic which only leaves them vulnerable to a second attack. As your boundaries get stronger, the wait time gets shorter. You never have to justify your intuition.”
― Shahida Arabi
Exercising that choice is an act of LOVE for me and is not against someone else.
I still believe that if I am triggered emotionally by someone else or a situation that it is MY own self I need to heal. That it is a sign that there is something in ME that I need to heal.
“Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring because I don’t do things your way. I care about me too.”
― Christine Morgan
Ulterior Motivations
During the visualization, it also came to me how I have allowed my heart space to be boundaryless for probably less than honourable reasons. Not consciously of course.
But it did come to me that I have showered love, attention, time and affection on people with the often unconscious desire to have some of them show me love back.
Show me acceptance. Include me in their circle.
But usually, the opposite happened.
In fact, more often than not the opposite happened.
Maybe by having this unconscious desire and belief that if I give love out unconditionally, others will love me back, meant that others picked up on this unconscious desire and felt angry or used and so flipped me off or sucked me dry.
Inner Wisdom
I felt in awe of my warrior self. I am proud of her. She has a role.
She had actually appeared a year ago in meditation and then disappeared. Maybe I was not ready or open enough then to hear what she had to say. She appeared again as I had felt my anger arising inside and I hadn't known what to do with it, or why it had been rising. Until now.
I feel like now at least I am on the right track to having some answers.
I have been operating under these false or unconscious beliefs that I wasn’t even aware I was operating under. But they have been so damaging to me.
But, now I DO have a boundary around my heart.
Now my heart can heal and be fully self-compassionate towards me.
My heart can start to feel safe inside its circle of eyes and be able to soften, as it no longer will feel completely open to attack and does not have to be on guard all the time.
I then can show a soft heart to others without an unconscious longing to be loved back.
Others whom I choose.
