21 Signs You’re an Alcoholic

***Disclaimer: While my other articles have not been exactly squeaky clean, this one uses some very bad language. Sorry?

Look, after spending the last two weeks writing serious articles about addiction…I need a break. Plus, every once in a while I need a reminder that I’m not just a heroin addict, but also a raging alcoholic.

Lucky me.

The problem is that when it comes to writing humor about addiction/alcoholism you run into one of three issues:

1. People who are not addicts/alcoholics often do not understand our humor. While we like to look back and laugh at our war stories, most people just find them pretty fucked up.
2. Addiction is a serious issue, and many of us — myself included — have hurt a lot of people along our way. There is always a chance that we may be misconstrued as making light of our past. Plus, our war stories are pretty fucked up.
3. Alcoholic/addict humor is embarrassing to admit to the world. The things we did…they were pretty fucked up.

With this in mind, any writer should always produce something that can be of service no matter what the topic may be. It is my hope that even though many of these things are funny, they might generate the need for any reader (especially those who think they or someone they love might have a problem) to take a hard look at their own drinking history.

Also, I’ll confess that by admitting the following points to the world I am serving my own selfish interests. Everyone knows that you shouldn’t do heroin. Heroin is bad. Contrarily, I NEED for people to know that I can’t drink alcohol.

If there is ever someday you see me in the bar about to consume a cold beer or 24, I need for people to be able to look at me and say “Dude — you can’t do that!!!” If I protest…use the following list to remind me why.

21 Signs You Might be an Alcoholic

AKA, Stupid Shit I’ve Done While Drunk

• You’ve called your DD the next morning looking for your cell phone…from your cell phone
• You’ve ever woken up wearing another person’s pants
• Another person has ever woke up wearing your pants
• You’ve ever been stumbling, blocks away from your fraternity house, wearing a shirt saying “If found please return to XXX address”…and then ACTUALLY been found by one of your friends and returned to XXX address (Thanks Zach!)
• You’ve not pissed IN the bed…but rather ON the bed
• You’ve woken up and not been entirely sure if you, your alcoholic girlfriend, or both pissed the bed
• You’ve pissed the bed
• You’ve been carried home, up a hill, by a girl half your size
• You’ve not remembered being carried home, up a hill, by a girl half your size
• You’ve drank at a bar that serves liquor out of old-fashioned condiment bottles
• You’ve FOUND a bar that serves liquor out of old-fashioned condiment bottles
• You’ve rolled a bowling ball down the wrong lane
• You’ve ever crossed-swords (urinated…you know what, I’ll let you figure it out) out of a 3rd floor window with your roommate
• Your refrigerator broke so you place your case of Natural Light on the air conditioning vent…casually flipping them with a pair of tongs every so often similar to a backyard barbecue
• You are drinking Natural Light
• You actually ENJOY drinking Natural Light
• You’ve seat-belted your case of beer into the passenger seat, yet forgot to wear a seatbelt yourself (***See photo below)
• You’ve opened your fridge and found nothing but lemon juice, tonic water, cream cheese, BBQ sauce, and Kraftig Light (***See photo below)
• You’ve had cold beer in the fridge, yet drank warm beer out of your trunk because “it goes down smoother”
• You’ve danced with a girl who wasn’t your girlfriend, because you thought she was your girlfriend, in front of your girlfriend
• You are STILL drinking Natural Light

Back when I was just beginning my drinking career — and believe me I was a bit of a Rembrandt — I was given an informational leaflet by a friend of mine entitled “Are You an Alcoholic?” If you checked off X-number of boxes on the list, you were supposed to be an alcoholic.

I checked off damn near every one, but that is neither here nor there. I doubt this list is going to be a medical leaflet anytime soon, but nevertheless if you’ve checked three or more of these items off you most likely have a problem. In fact, if you’ve checked one or more of these you most definitely have a problem.

Also, why did so many of these involve peeing?