It’s a Drug Solution not a Drug Problem
As a recovering heroin addict who has experienced firsthand the pain and agony of the current opiate crisis, I’m still traumatized at the thought of the chaos I left behind in my wake. I stole. I lied. I pulled every con known to man on the people that I loved most, and still watching them suffer up close and personal was not enough to make me quit.
Understandably, addict behavior can be one of the most dumbfounding of paradoxes to anyone close to someone in the throes of active addiction. Addict behavior can be frustrating, heartbreaking, and at times tumultuously cruel.
The way I see it, if I can help just ONE parent understand their child, then maybe — just maybe — I’ll have done my small part in making a living amends to all of those I harmed along my way.
Keep in mind that I am not a medical professional and nor do I claim to be.
However, what I do know is my own story. I hope that my experience as an addict, which I have tried to translate into these 6 tips for understanding heroin-addicted children, can help any parent find the serenity that they so rightfully deserve.
1) Your Child Doesn’t Hate You
I remember the first of multiple times I told my parents I hated them; it was complete and total bullshit. When parents begin to define their heroin addict child by their behavior, it can be all too easy to assume that if your child does somehow still love you, they must love the drugs way more.
This is likely inherently false. I understand that your child has chosen drugs over your unconditional love in pretty much every situation imaginable. In fact, during my using days finding and using drugs eventually became a full-time job which had absolutely no mercy or compassion for my family whatsoever.
I had no choice.
Heroin addicts, true heroin addicts, have NO choice.
The drugs had highjacked my brain to the point where I no longer knew up from down. They became my best friend, shoulder to cry on, and moral code all in one. I didn’t choose to do drugs every day, and I’m willing to bet your addict child doesn’t either.
My brain became hardwired to need them in order to survive.
2) You Don’t Hate Your Child
Vice versa, your heroin-addicted child has likely caused you to say and do things that you never thought possible as a parent. With every stupid mistake your child makes and with every heated argument that inevitably follows, you may find yourself questioning whether or not you actually hate your child. You don’t. What you hate is the shell of a person that they have become. This is completely normal.
Your child is wearing a mask…one that once worn is exceptionally difficult to take off. As addicts, we must take ultimate responsibility for our actions whether we are sick or well. This can be a hard pill to swallow (morbid pun intended) for many of us who simply chose to blame our mind/mood altering chemistry set for all of the problems in our life.
While this is true, who I was as an addict was nothing more than a mirage — a pure illusion of the son my parents once knew. Deep down I HATED the monster I had become.
Looking back now it is hardly unfair to expect my parents to have felt any differently about me. You are justified in hating what drugs have turned your child into, but this does not translate into personal hatred of your child.
3) Your Child Uses Opiates for a Reason
Let’s face it, heroin feels good. Really, REALLY good. Yet I know of plenty of people who have been prescribed an opiate after a surgery, and quite a few who have experimented with full-blown heroin use without ever developing a habit.
While the idea of casual experimentation with heroin may sound absolutely foreign to me, the simple fact is that — and this is only my own observance as an addict and not an addictionologist — the vast majority of people who try opiates never become junkies.
I’m not discounting that genetics most definitely play their part. However, to be quite blunt, happy people don’t use heroin. There is nothing happy about sticking a needle in your arm. There is nothing happy about the people you have to hang around to be able to stick said needle in your arm.
There is nothing happy about spending your night checking your pulse and wondering whether or not you are going to wake up the next morning.
4) You are NOT that Reason
If your child uses heroin for a reason, it can be quite common among parents of heroin addicts to actually believe that they are somehow that reason. Now, I don’t know you.
You might be the worst parent ever to walk the face of the earth. Whether you were the king of all doucebags to your child growing up or June and Ward Cleaver, you are not responsible for your child’s drug use.
Rare exceptions do exist in cases of child abuse/molestation, but common sense tells me that these parental defuncts are highly unlikely to be reading up on the intricacies of their child’s addiction.
5) Your Child Really Does Want to Quit
Excluding psychopaths and masochists, of which I pray your child is neither, addicts in all states and stages of addiction really do want to quit. Speaking from an addict’s perspective the best way that I can describe heroin addiction is that of a soul sucking dementor whose fat ass is constantly parked on your couch.
You just want him (or her) to get the fuck out.
Addiction and its consequences are downright miserable, yet to understand why so many choose to remain in active addiction one must understand one critical point. What your addict has developed and discovered is not a drug problem, but rather a drug solution. They have found a highly effective, albeit synthetic coping mechanism whose almighty strength is powerful enough for most any situation.
Also, providing they are willing to go to any lengths necessary, their solution will always be there for them. Unlike people, places, and things drugs aren’t going anywhere anytime soon. They will always be available. However, your child is not stupid. They well aware that drugs suck, and the idea of quitting is always on their mind.
6) Nothing You Say or Do Will Make Your Child Quit
Your child really does want to quit, but the bottom line is — and this is a quite brutal and heartbreaking truth to hear as a parent — until addiction beats the holy begotten shit out of your child they are never going to stop.
Tragically, with the purity of heroin on the rise and the presence of fentanyl in the United States reaching uncharted levels, many addicts never live to see this happen.
However, there is some good news: your child gets to decide when they are done taking their proverbial ass kicking.
There is also some bad news: nothing you say or do can force them to get out of the ring. You just have to sit and wait, but this does not necessarily mean that you have to watch the fight.
If your child’s addict behavior is impacting the happiness of YOUR life, bluntly inform them to go take their lumps somewhere else. Nothing is forcing them to wait until they are in serious legal trouble, homeless, or overdosed to decide that enough is enough.
Sometimes one of these (or a combination of all three) is what it takes, but the bottom line is that it doesn’t have to be. The universe just has to run its course, and unfortunately for me, I had to let things get pretty terrible before I decided to quit digging my own grave.
Ultimately, I had to come to the conclusion that I wanted to live and ultimately discovered that willingness was key. I, not my parents, had to become willing to finally give-up my willingness to just die.
