Let’s Talk About Eating Disorders
It isn’t a favorite topic of mine, in fact, I spent the last 13 years avoiding the topic. I have spent the last three years in recovery, for alcoholism, extreme alcoholism. You can read all about the nonsense, struggles and process in my past published articles and I am thankful for the progress of continued recovery in that area of my life. I hate that it has been a part of my life, and my story, it really isn’t what I would love to write about. I write and I share because I know there are some of you that can completely relate and find it impossible to share and seek help, and because I have been so fortunate to do so, I will write about my successes, failures and continued recovery. It is hard to really explain to someone who isn’t an alcoholic (and now recovering eating disorder lady) what that feels and looks like — so my best explanation is for you to try and imagine you are driving on a highway in a torrential rainstorm, you cannot see through any windows, you are carrying friends, family members, children — your favorite humans, in this car. Your hands are tightly gripping the wheel and you turn down the radio and air conditioning as if that will somehow help you see. But you can’t. Cars, semi trailers — other motorists are zipping past. Your heart and head are spinning and you pass under a bridge, and for that few seconds life seems calm, no pounding rain. A moment of clarity and you feel safe.

That few seconds — is how alcohol would make me feel. And now, I have come to realize how purging made me feel.
What I didn’t realize was how drastically my eating disorder was tied to my alcoholism. The two took turns driving my life, and I was completely powerless over both. Alcoholism eventually becomes impossible for me to hide, but bulimia was a lot easier to hide, and in my own warped brain — justify. I knew when I stopped drinking most of the time my eating disorder would be waiting to pick up the pieces of where my insecurities waited. When I was in active alcohol addiction eating was a waste of my space in my body — and it would eventually sober me up (a death sentence for a reality avoider, like myself). I was trying to balance the weight of work, life, love, parenting, and my biggest hurdle perception of others (what a fucking waste of time that was, thank you Four Agreements), and it was all falling apart, and I was drowning, and I needed help.

I know my eating disorder started while I was in college, unlike a lot of the women/men struggling with eating disorders — my driving force was not body image, it was to feel in control of one aspect of my life. It was nice to be thin, and I could feel a sense of validation when I began to appear lean and fit. It did more for my mental state than anything it could do for my body. I felt a release of all emotional pain and trauma. I would cope with difficult situations by simply purging. It was excellent. I would throw all of my issues in the toilet and flush them away.

“Clinicians have told me that our emotional is arrested at the age that an eating disorder takes control of our lives. After we recover, we pick up emotionally where we left off at that age.”
― Jenni Schaefer, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life
Understanding these significant research findings regarding the connection between neurobiology and the development of bulimia are necessary for breaking stigmas about this critical mental illness. In a society that commonly portrays eating disorders, such as bulimia, as diseases of vanity or simply a want to “lose weight”, increasing awareness about the connection between brain and body can help lift much of the shame and guilt that often surrounds eating disorders.

For an individual who is struggling with bulimia, there may be frustration that behaviors are not just simply something that can be turned off and on with will power. Because of the strong neurobiology connections to bulimia and altercation of essential brain chemicals in the body, a person will require professional treatment and assistance to overcome the deadly behaviors associated with bulimia nervosa. You can read about that here.
I battled with very severe depression and anxiety in the beginning of this past year. I was lost. I was doing all I could to remain sober, and appear to have it all together. Of course, my closest humans could see right through that bullshit. I checked myself into psychiatric care once, and was sent home on 6 new medications, and then a second time. After meeting with a doctor via skype I decided to look for care outside of my state. I am so thankful that opportunity was available to me — and I don’t necessarily think a geographical change is what can save someone — the ability for me to get care designed specifically for eating disorders and then transferring to another facility for mental wellness and continued addiction care was ultimately life changing, even with the past few years of recovery. I needed to be able to focus entirely on my body and mind and without that I am positive I would have continued to struggle mentally.

I without a doubt, know it saved my life and changed my perspective on life. I had to learn to be still, which was pretty much torture. I had to go through a re-feeding process, which was a lot like withdrawl from alcohol. I had severe night sweats, uncontrollable mood changes and body movements — which is a very crazy thing to experience with a sober mind. In this place of healing — i was subject to some very humiliating experiences. I could no longer flush the toilet or use the restroom alone, we were not allowed to talk about food or exercise. I was in what I thought was my very own personal hell. However, I took with me information that I could apply to my everyday life — and met some amazing clients who laughed, cried and grew with me each day.
To pass time we made inappropriate bracelets withe beads, colored the shit of adult coloring books, wrote letters to our loved ones, wrote letters to loved ones of others, watched every disney movie we could (most movies/music/reading material was banned because it could be triggering for clients). I was chased by some pretty aggressive lizards, couldn’t sit in the grass because, rattlesnakes. I was forced to participate in equine therapy, ONCE, because, I just don’t like horses, never have, and never will — if that works for you — I am really jealous, but it is not for me, even being around them throws me back to Y camp in 6th grade to a very unforunate event when a horse got his foot caught in a hole and panicked taking me with him. Sorry horses, you are pretty from a far, and I mean that A FAR.
One of my all-time favorite humans, Julia from Jersey and I would laugh so hard we would cry — we liked to pretend we were professional parkourers, while maybe jumping off a chair, she was just like me, and so much different but I was drawn to her radiance. She had the blondest hair and bluest eyes— and claimed Megadeath was her higher power, which made me love her even more. We could barely get through a meal without laughing so much we would double over. Some of the most excellent people I have met on my journey through addiction have been in treatment centers, meetings and even when I spent time in jail in 2014. If you could take a moment and really understand that most of those people are just like you — but looking for away to anesthetize past trauma, pain or anxiety and depression that has held them hostage.
I did know for the first time in 13 years I began to feel the changes in my body. I could see my skin begin to radiate, and my eyes become more clear and crystal blue, when I was afraid I would gain weight from eating 6 times a day, I noticed weight shifting and filling my body in all the correct places. I felt stronger, leaner, and for the first time appreciative of my body, I started my period, for the first time in years, and I knew I was reclaiming what once was mine. I begin to love my body.
“I am in the right place at the right time, doing the right thing.”
― Louise L. Hay
I had to make a huge decision after about four weeks at this facility and that was to move to a place that would in turn help me marry the two addictions and learn skills to cope with them both at the same time. I wasn’t getting the care I needed on a therapeutic level that I needed to help keep my alcoholism at bay when I took away my active eating disorder — after all the two loved to swap back and forth for so long.
I moved to Del Ray, on a red eye — to continue and spent 60 days in an even more intensive facility that focused on both — and that really was the turning point in my life. I was able to finally build a foundation by unearthing trauma that I didn’t even know existed and affected me and my psyche. Stay tuned for a more in depth take on my stay at Wellness Resource Center and how it changed my life forever. I would and will suggest to whomever would need mental care on addiction in any form, this amazing facility. More on that soon.
Now what? My eating disorder and I have a love hate relationship — and I am in no way ever going to be healed. But I can eat without worry, I can have meals with friends and not avoid get togethers. I am faced with my eating disorder all day — I have to eat, but I do NOT have to restrict or misguide my thoughts. I have a great foundation — constructed with some of the most amazing clinicians I have ever known, and a responsibility and power to move forward.
I would not have lived had I not sought help. My standards and mental capacity were failing. Life seemed easier to remain in bed and if you know me at all, that isn’t the way I am created to live. I love, I laugh and I plan to be around, create, parent, share for as long as I can. Changing my perspective and taking full responsibility for my actions in everything I do has been incredibly empowering (and that includes knowing a lot of people have no idea what my life has been like, and their own version of my story) and at the end of the day, none of that matters.
I am forever grateful — especially for all of you that reached out to me when I needed it most, and helped me see, when I could not, the bliss on the other side. If you suffer from any sort of eating disorder DO NOT be afraid to seek help — and if you live in Iowa, I can understand the pitfalls of looking, searching for weeks, months, days and hours for care — there is care, it just isn’t yet what it should be in this state. Below is an excerpt from one of my favorite books — a must read if you or anyone you know suffers from this mental disorder, which continues to be the highest mortality of any mental health condition.
Do not give up hope, you are worth fighting for.

“When we feel like giving up, like we are beyond help, we must remember that we are never beyond hope. Holding on to hope has always motivated me to keep trying. I have found this hope by connecting with others. I’ve found it not only in individuals who have dealt with eating disorders but also in people who have battled addictions and those who have survived abuse, cancer, and broken hearts. I have found much-needed hope in my passions and dreams for the future. I’ve found it in prayer. Real hope combined with real actions has always pulled me through difficult times. Real hope combined with doing nothing has never pulled me through. In other words, sitting around and simply hoping that things will change won’t pick you up after a fall. Hope only gives you strength when you use it as a tool to move forward. Taking real action with a hopeful mind will pull you off the ground that eighth time and beyond.”
― Jenni Schaefer, Goodbye Ed, Hello Me: Recover from Your Eating Disorder and Fall in Love with Life
Meg
