Withdrawals

Okay, so it’s about to start once again. Cold sweat is already running down my spine and forehead. Just stay positive, the anxiousness as well as the shaking will go away eventually, you DO know it from your own experience, don’t you? Oh, God damn it, how many times is it humanly possible to go through these fucking withdrawals without completely blowing off your brains or the entire body shutting down by its own weight? Not much sleep tonight — that’s for sure. Just crawling on these sweaty sheets as the lizards try to bite your toes and the boogeyman himself shows up to have his own little fun. Come on Dan, just lie to yourself that by the morning you’ll be okay — you do that every day pretty well — lying to yourself. Even though you know that’s not true, just keep telling it to yourself and you will make it over this shit once again. Just stay strong and in ten days, you’ll be living in completely different country with a completely new identity — you’ll be living in the European party capital Amsterdam. There you can develop new addictions to variety of substances that you have not been able to get your hands into back at home. Its difficult trying to think about that yet though because right now even the next minute as a breathing living creature seems to be so far in the future. The future — it’s always a spooky word for an addict because they are not capable of seeing one for themselves. Some crazy fucks even go to some old ladies to be told their futures and believe it, even though those old ladies don’t have much of a future for themselves left. In the real world, the only true fortune-teller is called a judge, and he’s always right without a question, right? Oh, that was great Dan, you were able to concentrate for at least thirty seconds or so. That’s what some folks would call the beginning of the Hope, but instead I call it “Relapse-trap” because as you’re able to focus on something finally again, the only thing you’re really thinking about is the substance you’re hooked and as you start to fantasize the “high”, the urge inside you bursts into flames and the lizards take over once again if you don’t relapse. So it raises a question, Why the fuck I’m doing this to myself once again? I know that I will get addicted again in Amsterdam, so what’s really the point? But then again, is there one in anything? I don’t think so. God, I really need a dose to be healthy again. Sorry, I mean to feel healthy again. I’m just an lying addict, keep that in mind, and probably also addicted to lying because I do it both to you and for myself. You’re doing this because you don’t want to go through this shit in Amsterdam and you’ll need to be able to concentrate again in there. Now, that’s the honest truth — you still are not doing this because you think about your health or life or some brighter future for yourself, you’re a lost cause. Wow, way to stay positive Dan, what’s the matter with you? Are you breaking? Really? Are the tears going to fall down your cheeks again? Straighten up! Your mind may be free but your body still ain’t for days, just stay strong. Stay strong. Repeat it to yourself until it becomes reality.