Time To Make America Safe Again. Ban All White Men.
Thank you, Donald Trump! You did it! You did the thing you literally promised to do every day during your campaign!
Thank you Donald, and your operator Steve Bannon, for putting our fears into a real, well-considered document banning of all Muslims — a document you surely ran by your team of constitutional scholars and legal ethicists!
I couldn’t agree more. Let’s do everything in our power to make our nation hugely more secure from terrorism.
But you missed the mark, Donald. In order to truly keep America safe, we have to ban the group that has *actually* killed the most Americans. The whole group. Steve Bannon and Rudy Giuliani are right: it’s hard to know exactly *which* people in the group will turn out to be bad apples. So if we ban the whole barrel, we’re guaranteed that no one will get any apples. It’ll be hard, and probably illegal, but for the sake of our sacred National Security we must. We know what we must do.
We must ban White Men.
According to data from the New America Foundation, since 9/11, right-wing white terrorists have killed almost twice as many Americans in homegrown attacks than radical Islamists have.
Donald has had the great bravery to float this difficult, reckless, possibly illegal act of banning Muslims for the sake of our country. Let’s give him some help, and finish the job for him.
Ban White Men.
They are the ones who are killing us. From Timothy McVeigh to Dylan Root, white men are killing Americans at an alarming rate. Literally double the rate of Islamic Terrorists. And they must be stopped.
It’s hard to say why White Men are so violent by nature. It could be something in their native religion that lays a foundation for ultraviolent behavior. I spent three minutes googling the White Men’s main religious text, and found this:
Ye shall keep the sabbath therefore; for it is holy unto you: every one that defileth it shall surely be put to death. (Exodus 31:14)
and this:
But those mine enemies, which would not that I should reign over them, bring hither, and slay them before me. (Luke 19:27)
and this:
…out of his mouth goeth a sharp sword, that with it he should smite the nations: and he shall rule them with a rod of iron: and he treadeth the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. (Revelations 19, talking about Jesus, the main prophet followed by White Men.)
Holy shit. I’m a progressive and I don’t want to seem insensitive, but White Man’s religion is barbaric. Straight out of the dark ages, man. No wonder they kill so many people.
Look. I’m not a lawyer. I’m just a regular person, like Rudy Giuliani and Steve Bannon, without any understanding how the law works. But I do know that if *they* have the self confidence to draft a document, an executive order with the full force of the federal government behind it, without really thinking it through, then I feel good about giving it a shot.
Because, as I said, since 9/11 White Men have killed twice as many people as Islamic Terrorists. Just so we’re clear.
So. If you are a White Man, you can no longer come to this country. Your passport is revoked. I don’t even know what revoking a passport entails, but if our Executive Branch can make sweeping and uninformed changes, so can I!
If you are a White Man, your passport is revoked and you must leave America. If you are a White Man and looking to get in, you will be detained. If you are not white but look white, we’re going to detain you too. Sorry. We’re making a national security omelette, here. Gotta break a few legs.
We have to think clearly about who to target. To get you started, here are some pictures I found on the internet of White Men.
Now, these two look pretty darn guilty. But not all white men look like this. Some look just like you and me, wearing khakis, and oxfords, and holding quiet personal resentments in their heart. In order to truly protect this great nation from the terrorist threat, a terrorist threat literally twice as large as the Muslim threat, we’ll have to cast our net wider. Here are other pictures of seemingly normal White Men.
Could we just use our brains, and the law, and the most advanced and terrifying intelligence apparatus in the world to figure out which particular White Men to target? Like, Dylan Root or the Westboro Baptist Church? No. Too risky. Sometimes the good ones and the bad ones look nearly identical. Take a look at this picture, for instance:
What if I were to tell you that these two white men could not be more different from one another? That one was a peace-loving progressive, and the other was a known white collar criminal and rapist? How could you possibly tell the difference? You couldn’t, that’s how. But Criminals and Rapists! Those are at the top of our keep-out list, God Bless America.
It takes too much time, analysis, and legal insight to protect our country from each individual White Man who threatens our freedom. And these are dangerous times.
This is for our national security, and for expedience. And if my memory serves, any time you feel the need to use the word ‘expedience’ next to ‘national security’, that means 1) it’s important enough that you must be be right, and 2) history will look back on you kindly.
And that is why, we must immediately ban all White Men.
