At The French Hotel
À l’Hôtel Français
Concierge: Bonjour.
Moi: àáâèéêôçÀÁÂÈÉÊÔÇ
Concierge: Quoi?
Compagnon de la Nuit: Why don’t you speak English? I bet he speaks English. And did you just call me a mushroom?
Moi: [aside] No, mushroom is champignon. Compagnon means companion, I think. Companion of the Night.
CdlN: It still doesn’t sound very nice.
Moi: [aside] Hush. [to Concierge] J’ai un reservation. Nom de… Zhemme...z. [aside] Did I need to say it phonetically?
Concierge: [a trace of French accent] Ah, Mr James, good afternoon. May I have your passports?
CdlN: Told you.
Moi: [aside] And I told you, hush. [to Concierge] Voici, les deux.
Concierge: Thank you.
CdlN: I don’t want to be Companion of the Night. I don’t like it.
Moi: [aside] It’s romantic. Anyway, you’re a fictional character. You do whatever I want you to do.
CdlN: I bloody don’t. I’ll do whatever I want to do.
Moi: I could put you in a box, dans une bôite, and have you taken away.
[FX: a box closes]
CdlN: [muffled shouting] Hey! Let me out!
Concierge: Merci, monsieur. Your passports, and your keys.
CdlN: [muffled shouting] And he’s not a concierge! A concièrge is —
[FX: sound of a heavy object being dragged]
Moi: Merci, c’est meilleur. Avez-vous ici, oh, comment on le dis en Français, wee-fee?
Concierge: We say wi-fi. The password is on your keycard.
Moi: Brilliant. I can carry on with life as normal.
CdlN: Did you know, on my tablet, you can set the keyboard to French, instead of messing about with copy-and-paste?
Moi: How did you get out of that box?
CdlN: I’m fictional. Don’t you always say fictional characters can do anything? And you don’t write their words for them, you just listen to what they say and copy it down?
Moi: Yes, but —
CdlN: Then shut up and start copying down. [to Concierge] Can we make a reservation for dinner, please?
Concierge: Of course, madame. Would you like a table with a sea view?
CdlN: Is that extra?
Concierge: There is normally a small charge, but for you —
CdlN: No, just put it on the bill, please. Whatever will cost him the most.
Moi: Plus ça change, plus c’est le meme chose.
CdlN: You’re not fooling anyone with your schoolboy French. Pick my bag up. Carefully.
Moi: [shrugs, in a Gallic fashion]
CdlN: At last, you’re getting the hang of this.
[Fin de scène]
