Why Pissing on a Couch Is Not That Big of a Deal

But I Wouldn’t Recommend It

Photo by Jonathan Percy on Unsplash — the perfect photo for this story.

I pissed all over someone else’s couch once. And then tried to flush the couch.

It was February 9, 1991. I remember the exact date because I was a huge fan of the NBA slam dunk contest which aired that day. The recklessness of youth was on full display and beer was involved. Lots of beer.

I was a freshman in college and we did what many college kids do. We partied — but sometimes you party a little too much. That is what happened to me.

We started the evening at a fraternity house which involved many kegs and a few beer bongs. Back then, I had no sense of when to stop, so I drank and drank. By the time I left the party, I was feeling good.

After leaving the fraternity house, my friend and I decided to go to his girlfriend’s parents house who were out of town at the time — and more beer.

When we arrived at the house, I sat down in her living room to watch the slam dunk contest. And as I took my spot in the corner of the L-shaped couch (Exhibit A), I couldn’t believe how comfortable it was. So while watching the television, I fell asleep.

Exhibit A

Now, I don’t really remember the rest as most of it was told to me the next morning. But apparently, I got up from my comfy spot in the corner (see Exhibit A again), proceeded to the make-believe toilet, and let her go.

The good news is all of my friends were in the kitchen next to the living room so no one else was on the couch. Thankfully.

But when you piss on a couch, it makes a distinct sound. You may have heard it before. Like rain on your patio furniture. Or when your dog decides to pee on the carpet. Very similar.

It’s not something you expect to hear inside your house though. Especially if you don’t have a dog.

So when my friends hear the splashing, they all yell at me to stop. But being drunk enough to piss on a couch, I don’t hear them. And that allows me to finish. All over the couch.

From what my friend tells me, I then reach for the handle to flush the make-believe toilet (see Exhibit A) after I’m finished. Several times.

But being there is no toilet in front of me, I give up when I can’t find it and go sit back down in my corner. (See Exhibit A again).

When I wake up in the morning, I remember nothing except watching the slam dunk contest. So when my friend tells me, “Jeff, you pissed all over her couch”, I didn’t believe him. Even though there were several cushions missing from the couch when I woke up, I didn’t piece it together.

So when he was leading me outside to show me the cushions, I still didn’t believe him. But when I get outside, I see several large couch cushions with huge pee stains on them. It was only then I realized that I had, in fact, took a leak on the couch. Everywhere.

And I was mortified and embarrassed. I apologized profusely for pissing on her couch. I was ashamed of what I had done. And, like many of us do, promised I’d never drink again.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

The reason I tell you this story is because everyone has embarrassing moments. There is something everyone is ashamed of having done.

But if you were to ask the people who were with me when I pissed on the couch, they wouldn’t remember it the way I do. That is not the first thing they will think of when they see me. And they have their own embarrassing moments which are stuck in their mind.

People are more worried about themselves and their shameful moments than worrying about yours. Do you remember other people’s embarrassing moments like you do your own?

So forgive yourself. We all screw up from time to time.

Mine involved drinking which is something I could have controlled. But there are also many other times when these embarrassing moments are out of our control. And we let them control us.

As long as you aren’t harming anyone else or breaking the law, do things which may embarrass you. Who cares? If you are having fun doing it that is all that matters.

If you are continually embarrassing yourself while drunk, you may need to make some different life choices, but that is a topic for another day.

So don’t be afraid to have fun and be yourself. Dance like there is no tomorrow. Be weird. Be who you want to be. Don’t worry about being embarrassed or ashamed of something you have done. Everyone does it.

Just don’t piss on other people’s couches. It’s probably a big deal to the owner of the couch.

And always drink responsibly.


Medium decided the “Sports” tag was relevant to the story because of the slam dunk contest I guess. But I like to think it was because pissing on a couch is a sport. So I will leave the tag.


P.S. — The couch cushions turned out to be fine. So did the owner of the couch.