Imagination and the Mind Games You Play With Yourself During Sex
The adult mind is a tricky thing. It makes you want sex but keeps racing at a million thoughts per minute when you finally get started. No matter how eager you are when you start, often wonky self-esteem, body image issues, and other insecurities will rear their ugly heads, keeping you from performing at your best.
Sometimes they can keep you from performing at all! Your thoughts could be leaking into your body language, which can throw you off track.
Want better sex without interruptions? Stop playing mind games with yourself and start enjoying what you’ve got!
Men & Women Both Play Mind Games With Themselves
At first, I thought it was only women who tormented themselves with stressful, toxic mind games. Since I’ve been with my current boyfriend, though, I’ve become privy to a lot of the mind games that men play with themselves. He’s hard on himself pretty often; sometimes even more than I am!
It’s ok to feel insecurities. You’re not a machine. You have feelings. Do you often find yourself distracted during sex? Here are some tips to help deconstruct a few of the mind games you play with yourself. After hearing from my boyfriend (and various other men) about their insecurities, I’ve collected some tried-and-true mind game killers to share! Try them out now if you’ve ever thought any of these inconvenient thoughts:
1. “I bet the other guys she’s slept with were sex magicians.”
Sexual jealousy is a terrible, corrosive feeling that eats away at you. It can even be hard to discern if your jealousy is emotional or sexual. It’s totally reasonable to feel jealous of your partner’s sexual history, but it definitely doesn’t feel good!
While I’d love to tell you that there is no such thing as a sex magician, the reality is that there are people out there who have, to an extent, mastered the art. So how do you NOT drive yourself insane thinking that every single person she’s been with has been such a master?
Most women aren’t looking for someone who’s got mad skills. In fact, enthusiasm tends to trump experience big time. Just enjoy giving her pleasure, and enjoy getting it back. FOCUS on what you’re doing with the tenacity of a kid trying to master a new BMX bike trick — the hard work will lead to priceless rewards. Try new things often, talk openly about what you like, and show her that you’re willing to put the work in for her. In my experience, there’s simply nothing hotter than a person who’s having as much fun as I am! Move over, Don Juan — eager amateurs are much sexier.
2. “Should I wait for her to come, or should I come first?”
This question is more of a mystery than a mind game, but it’s a question that men often struggle to answer. Do women even like to come? For this one, I’ll give you a short answer: YES, we love to come, and you sure as heck should wait for us to finish first. Finger us; give us oral; tease us with toys; watch as we pleasure ourselves — there are so many ways to make a woman come, and not all of them are difficult. Women love getting orgasms too, and we’re generally pretty appreciative when our partner gives us a hand with it.
Of course, there can be times when a gal just doesn’t feel like having an orgasm. If you’re unsure, just ask.
3. “My penis is not big enough.”
The average erect penis is between 4.7 and 6.4 inches in length and around 4.7 inches in circumference. How do you check out? Surveys show that 85% of women are satisfied with their partner’s penis size. That means that chances are, your partner is satisfied with yours.
That being said, penises come in all shapes and sizes, and it’s totally ok if yours is more fun-sized than jumbo. Is it time to consider penile enlargement methods? That choice is up to you but know first that there is another option: I recommend you give sex toys a try. There is a whole host of thrusting and vibrating toys out there that will totally revitalize your sex life and make a few new tricks available. Introduce a simple vibrating cock ring or a hardcore thrusting dildo to your bedroom and you will see an immediate spike in how much you both enjoy your sexual adventures. It can take a little getting used to, but many great things in life do!
4. “She doesn’t give me blowjobs often. She isn’t interested in me.”
I have no idea what it feels like to get a blowjob, but if I’ve learned anything from the men I’ve dated, it’s that blowjobs are the holy grail of sex for some men. While I’ve come to enjoy giving my boyfriend blowjobs, I’ve also been in the blowjob-averse zone in the past! I found it fun to do sometimes but I was rarely prepared for the messy, high-intensity marathon that blowjobs usually became. Try sucking on a dildo and you’ll understand exactly how grueling blowjobs can be!
If your current partner is hesitant to give blowjobs, my first question is this: do you ask for them often? If so, I’d suggest you switch gears a little and leave the ball (or penis?) in her court! Let her know that you like it when she services you, but don’t push her too much. When she decides it’s time for a blowjob, she’ll likely be much more eager about it than when it’s your idea!
In the meantime, you can look into masturbation aids that mimic the feeling of a blowjob. From Fleshlights to high-tech Japanese masturbation machines, there are a ton of options available for you to try. Slap some lube on them and play with them yourself or let your lover take the reins! These toys may not exactly match the feeling of a blowjob, but they will still give you a whole dimension of fun to enjoy.
5. “I’m out of shape and she hates it.”
Ooph. Harsh. Body image issues are one of the major hang-ups that people of all genders have during sex. Have you ever been having a good time with someone when suddenly, thoughts of how less-than-perfect your bod looks crept in? That certainly happens to me sometimes.
Here’s the bottom line: she knows what you look like. If she got in bed with you, then she’s likely fine with your figure. I can’t speak for all women, but most of my friends would be more attracted to confidence than physical attractiveness. Women may ogle after sizzling celebrities and models, but who we actually go for is a whole other story. Even if you’re still working on your bod, confidence is something you can put forward now. It matters so much more than having perfect six-pack abs.
But in the meantime, keep hitting the gym/yoga mat! Exercise helps release endorphins, reduce stress, and improve sexual performance. Find a workout that you love and stick to it.
Good Mind Games To Play Instead
The great thing about mind games is that while there are some nasty ones, there are also some good ones that you can play with yourself to counter the bad ones. Want to keep the focus on what you’re doing and away from toxic thoughts? Try some of these positive mind games!
Fake It Til You Make It
This cheeky little mantra applies to a lot of places in life, and that includes sex! Have you ever said something very bold but out of character and realized that it made you feel just a little more confident? Try convincing yourself that you’re confident and badass before you get into bed next time! If you frequently struggle with getting stuck in your head, you can even try acting classes or Improv classes to help you get in the zone.
Dress Up And Role Play
Women aren’t the only ones who can dress up for sex! The next time you get all dressed up in a suit for work, bring the look home into the bedroom and get down to a different kind of business. Belts and anything vinyl can also be super fun to wear. You can also try asking her what she’d like to see you wearing.
Communication Is Key
With a little patience, it’s possible for you to dispel all of your negative mind games and stick to fun, sexy mind games, only. Any time that emotions are involved, remember that communication is key! If you’re stressing, let your partner know. If something she’s doing is bothering you, let her know. Sex should be spontaneous and fun, but what’s even more important is health and respect, both of yourself and your partner.
Push Out the Bad with More Good
Don’t think of purple flying elephants. You just did, didn’t you? The brain is a funny place. Trying not to think about something often has the opposite effect. Focus on the positives and you’ll find the negatives will work their way out on their own.
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