Love Doesn’t Hold Its Tongue
As the school year is coming to a close, I have done a lot of reflecting. Being a teacher you always want to believe that you made a difference. I have learned much about myself working with kids for 9 straight months, some things I am proud of, others I would be embarrassed to put on paper. I want to believe I challenged them, taught them more about life than the English language, made them believe they could do anything, encourage them, but most of all I want to believe I made them better than when they left. My hope is for them to see themselves the same way I see them. Isn’t that why we all become teachers?
I have recently realized the importance of every.single.word.that.comes.out.of.my.mouth.
I have had so many encounters with hurting children who view themselves in such negative light. My heart breaks for these kids as these beliefs are ones that have been cast on them by society, their families, or their friends. They do not believe in the goodness they possess and because of this, they continue to walk in their shame and insecurities. Positivity is rarely spoken into their lives. Each day I watch girls desperately attempt to be accepted while they face constant rejection or ridicule. I witness young men put so much energy into being called worthy that they forget their individuality. I see these kids put on different kinds of masks in an attempt to find which one gets them the most attention or the most friends.
I am often guilty of forgetting to remind these kids who they are and the greatness they hold. I would say that is my biggest regret of the year. I have only begun to understand what it looks like to shoulder someone’s weaknesses. Recently, I have been studying Colossians 3. In the first verse, it says: “If then you are in Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.” To constantly set your mind on the things of God is one heck of a challenge, but boy do I see a difference not only in my actions but in the words I speak to others when I set my mind on things above.
I am constantly challenged with asking myself, “is this uplifting?”
There are two young men in particular whom I have had throughout the school year that have taught me the most about myself. If I’m honest, I think the reason it’s been hardest to love them is because they challenge me. They challenge me in my patience, they challenge my authority, but most of all they challenge me because I see much of myself in them. I see some of the dark parts of my heart on a day to day basis with every encounter. These young men like to hide. They like to hide their fear of not being enough behind anger. They hide their desperate longing to be known and loved behind sarcasm and hurtful words. They hide their sensitive hearts behind their arrogance.
My heart shatters into pieces each day when I see these young men. My heart breaks because these boys are wonderfully resilient. They have endured much and continue to press onward. They have heard more times than not that they will never go to college or they will never be more than what men in their past have been. They buy into the shame and the lies because that’s easier for them than trying to fight the truth. Because honestly, sometimes the truth is scary. It’s freeing but the road to get there is not always easy. People often overlook them or ride them off because it’s easier than being their advocate. What I mean when I say these boys remind me of the dark parts of my heart is that there are days I don’t want to go the extra mile with them. There are days I don’t want to be persistent in love or gentle in my words. In fact, there are many days like that with these young men.
On days like this, I am thankful that the Lord reminds me that these boys are often a reflection of how I react when God loves me. And I’m not talking about that feel good love that’s easy to give, I’m talking about the I’m throwing a tantrum and I need my way and don’t want to be told “no” kind of love he continues to give. He loves me in my questioning. He loves me in my failures. He loves me when I didn’t perform well. He loves past my mistakes. I often forget that. I forget that I am made new. I am a new creation. I forget it because most days it’s easier to believe the negative things about me than fight for the good. I can often relate to these boys because it’s easier to believe that I will amount to nothing so I don’t have to deal with the disappointment if/when it happens.
Therefore, whatever I believe about myself is how I’m going to live. If I believe I’m a failure, then I’m going to fail. If I believe I am not enough, I will constantly use people to fill me than being their friend. I need to constantly be reminded of who I am in Christ and the goodness I possess.
I know that I am not alone in this feeling. I know that many of you reading this might be hurting and because of that, I want to say that you are enough. You are worthy. You are not defeated. You can press onward.
Throughout the year I have continued to see these boys transform and test their boundaries of opening up and tearing down the walls. I have seen countless adults take these boys under their wings and breathe life into them persistently. Because individuals were willing to take the time to speak truth over their aching hearts, these young men have started living out the words spoken over them. They have started to see their potential and greatness. Each day I see a new piece of heartache chipped away with the overflow of love that is showered on them through kindness.
As the year ends for these young men, I have seen them too reflect on how their lives were impacted. They are now starting to see that the love give with the expectation of anything in return. They realize the discipline and standards set were because someone did believe in their greatness. They see that some of their most uncomfortable moments have resulted in the biggest breakthroughs.
The transformation and maturity I have seen amazes me, and it’s all because a few people decided to see something greater and speak it.
Originally published May 25, 2016
