Dating is hard. It’s a commitment to spending time either hunting for someone to be the +1 for, of one of the +1s for. Some people seem to fall into relationship after relationship with ease.
Some are serial monogamists who are constantly on the lean, needing someone to prop them up or else they’ll completely collapse. It can be a nice way to be, always having someone to help you.
For others of us, even allowing ourselves to be left standing, open to a support, is hard to do. Nevermind meeting up with 6 people a week — got to have that rest day — making small talk and then deciding that the one person you’d actually like to see again doesn’t want to see you again because they think you’d be better off as friends. Let’s be clear, often “let’s be friends” is the polite way of saying “this relationship, while pleasant, doesn’t need to continue”.
Whether you are polyamorous and seeking someone new, or have tired of being single and want to experience dating in all its many highs and lows, or if you’re just looking for someone to sleep with (both connotations), there are ways to do it even if you are struggling figuring them out for yourself.
2017 is the year of opportunity. Or at least it feels like it should be because there are seemingly millions of ways to get out there in the dating world. For bi people, negotiating this minefield has its own idiosyncrasies which make dating a challenge. But that doesn’t mean that for those of us that want a relationship, sexual or otherwise, single or multiple, it should really be any harder to try.
If you’ve struggle to work up the courage and determination to get back into dating, check out our four relatively painless ways to get what you want. You don’t have to do them all, start with one that sounds doable to you, and do it today!
1. Find the app that gives you what you want
Apps are basically how we do everything and dating is no exception. However, if you’re getting back into dating now, after a few years away because of a recent breakup, or you’ve struggled with traditional bar chatting, or because you’ve just opened up your relationship, you might find the apps market quite overwhelming. How do you pick a dating app that works for what you want?
Every app has a different angle, attempting to convince you that it’s the BEST ONE out there. The only way to find the right app for you is to be realistic about what you want from the app: are you looking to chat, go on lots of dates, a hook up, to have sex and see if anything else is left after, or are you trying to connect with friends who could turn into lovers?
For bi people, apps can help to answer the “are they…?” question that you inevitably have to consider when looking to date someone for whom their identity is unknown to you. You might not be able to screen for biphobia with all apps, but it can help you find people who are definitely willing to date you, whatever their gender identity, sexual preference or relationship status.
- Bro — for the bisexual and sexually curious male identifying persons out there. Bro may have the jockiest, masc4masc name but it’s actually a surprisingly social app. The aim for bro was to give men who like men (but not necessarily just men) a place to actually talk about interests and go on dates with people who had heads and weren’t simply a set of well gymed abs. It’s been scandalised by the gay press for being for straight guys who want to “go gay” but it really isn’t that. Bro takes more time, but can be worth it to meet people who want to talk first, if that’s what you want.
- Thurst — created by “black queer technologists”, Thurst (not Thrust) is an app aimed at daters of all genders and identities. For non-binary folk and another who is fluid, this is an app that assures you of like-minded people and safe space for dating online.
- OK Cupid — this site is for the determined dater. We’ve all got friends who someone have the willpower to go on date after date, managing their inbox messages better than their email at work. OKCupid puts it all out there for the world to judge. You have to be ready to date with enthusiasm on OKCupid, it’s not the long game so much as the “im available when you next are” game. But it works. You could soon be looking in estate agent windows thinking about the four bedroom house you’ll never be able to own, or throwing down with your next fun weekend friend.
- Grindr — If you don’t know about these apps, Grindr is the gay dating app that’s taken Instagram by storm (see all the posts of interactions that lads lads gay lads have shared). It’s not so much a dating app really, although it’s not unheard of that couples do meet on Grindr. Catered to people looking for sexual experiences first and foremost, hookups, if you’re not prepared to meet in a bush, see an unsolicited dick/butt pic, then steer well clear. If that’s exactly what you need then click that download button. Beware however that Grindr users have a history of “preferences” and does target a gay male market, both of which can put bi people at odds.
- Bumble operates similarly to Grindr, really targeting the hook up market but with a slant towards to hetero crowd. Bumble is particularly popular with women and female identifying people because they get to make the first move. No man can swagger his way into your personal space without your say so, shame they don’t have a real world version, maybe with actual bees as a repellent.
2. Get friends to set you up with friends
Setting up your friends can feel like a late 90s era pastime that you don’t need to bother with because YOU HAVE THE INTERNET! It’s actually one of the best ways to meet someone that you’ll actually get on with. If you have good friends, they’ll likely have good taste in their friends, which will help you bypass the we-have-nothing-in-common stage that happens 5 minutes into an app date.
A word of warning when dating a friend’s friend. Don’t date anyone they are super close to. Best friends or old school friends they still hang out with a big no. If it doesn’t work out or you reveal something too personal on date one, you could end up making your original friendship awkward. Doesn’t mean you should avoid a natural flirtation should it happen, but for set-ups its risky.
Friend dating is not for action-ready. Apart from the fact that keenness can spoil what might be a brilliant blossoming relationship, your friends may not immediately be able to set you up. This has to be a long game. Let your friends know in casual conversation that you’re looking for dates and to send deets over for anyone they think you might be suited for.
3. Join an interest group: book club, painting classes, MeetUp
Common ground is one of the best tools for easy conversation. Where better to find someone who at least has a passing interest in something that you’re into that a special interest group?
This combines well with New Year’s Resolutions that you’ve so far failed to make happen, like reading more books, seeing more of your city or taking up a hobby.
There are tons of exciting things you could try your hand at, be it fitness classes, sketching clubs or movie screenings. You could even look at Meetup groups in your area, such as London Bisexuals (and Pansexuals) Meetup or one of the local groups on Bi Community News.
Browse the local listings and find a group that you can join or a taster class you can attend. When you’re there, try to get talking to some new people. At the very least you’ll have fun, you might make some new friends or, ideally, you’ll find someone that you want to date.
If you seem to be hitting it off with someone on the day, you could even see if they want to grab a drink afterwards, be it coffee or a cocktail.
What really appeals to some about these types of groups when it comes to dating, is that it’s non-committal. Like speed dating, you only get out as much as you put in. And if you hate it you never have to go back. If you’re someone who is hesitant or nervous about getting back into the dating game, this is a good way to ease yourself in.
4. Ask out that person you’ve had your eye on
Let’s be honest, the real reason that you might not be doing that much dating is because you waiting on someone else to make their move. Maybe it’s the barista in your local coffee shop, a colleague in the other department or someone who is always on your commute route.
Those of us who struggle to get back into dating can find any reason to hold ourselves back and a fantasy about someone we like, that is never confirmed or denied, can be enough to sustain us. But it’s not healthy!
If you want to really be courageous and get back into dating, ask the person you’ve had your eye on out! If they so no, then it wasn’t meant to be. Now you know and can move on. If they say yes, then fabulous! You’ve got yourself a date that could turn into dating.
Take a chance. You have more to lose by never knowing what could be.
