Sex Doesn’t Make Your Sexuality More or Less Valid

Sex and sexuality are intrinsically linked, sex is literally in the word. But does that really mean that a person’s sexuality should be wholly defined by who they have sex with? This is one of the caveats that seems to come with a person believing that someone can identify as bisexual.

I knew for a relative young point in my teenage years that I was bisexual. That being, once I found the word (wish I could remember how that happened), that I had an attraction to both men and women. In this instance I was definitely thinking cis (cisgender — identifying as the gender you were assigned at birth), but that was only because I didn’t know or understand terms like transgender or non binary. Also as a young teenager and not a confident one, I was not very sexually experienced. As teenagers we are constantly at odds with crossing this imaginary line that forever makes us into adults. This line, apparently, was virginity. It was speculated that if we lose our virginity, we would somehow mature, succeed… or something.

The idea of virginity is highly flawed

For bisexual people, most people really, the idea of virginity is highly flawed. Do we define our virginity by the sex that we have, no matter the gender of the person, or does it have to be opposite sex coitus to count? Do bi men have to have anal and vaginal sex to be classed as having lost their virginity? Can a bi woman who has only had sex with a women be seen to have lost her virginity? It makes very little sense. At any age, before you’ve done something, the uncharted territory can seem imposing.

But then we grow up. At some point, your first experiences go from being marvelled and fantasised about to becoming a casual/awkward/unremarkable tale that you might share over one too many alcoholic beverages.

What I never realised, until much later, was that my sexuality was going to be constantly questioned on a schrodinger level, no matter what sex I’d had. For example:

Person: If you haven’t had sex with a woman, are you still bi?

Me: I mean, yes.

Person: Okay, but have you been attracted to the same number of women and men?

Me: I…don’t know. Let me get my abacus out. I remember getting it for my first BI-urthday, along with the letter that said I must ALWAYS keep count.

Person: Fine, no need to be sarcastic. So, which do you prefer, men or women?

Me: Neither?

Person: But you must prefer one! Who do you like having sex with more?

Me: It’s really more about the person, not the parts.

Person: Do you like dicks more or vaginas?

Me: Sorry, I left my jars of arousal beans at home. It came with the abacus. I add a bean to one jar if I like a vagina, cos of heteronormativity, then I take a bean away if I’m attracted to a penis, cos of homophobia.

Person: Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit.

Me: *throws glitter and walks away*

One of the most commonly used phrases that I’ve picked up when listening to bisexual people describe their bisexuality, or in this context their potential bisexuality, is that they’ve never acted on part of it. I’ve most commonly heard of it from women who say that they could certainly see themselves with a woman, should the opportunity arise. But these same women don’t claim the bisexual word because of its commitalness. Forget getting men to open up to potential sexual attraction to the same gender. Bi men either know they are bi or seem very unwilling to even entertain the possibility of it, but they do have a gay friend/sibling so they’re cool with it.

Sex is an important part of many people’s lives, but it’s not key for all

Sex is an important part of many people’s lives, but it’s not key to a relationship for all. A good life doesn’t necessarily include sex. Because of this, it makes it hard for some people to separate bisexuality from sex. A person can be bi and not have sex or only have sex with one gender identity, regardless of attraction.

In fact, sex, sexual attraction and a lack of need for sex or sexual attraction are all very different things and completely valid. Which makes the whole idea of proving your sexuality by having sex with men and women a little bit (read: a lot) ridiculous.

Personally, one of the hardest lessons I’ve had a learn as a bisexual person is that only I can define my sexual orientation and that sex doesn’t have to be a part of that. Anyone who wants to say that I’m not really bisexual for not doing [insert sexual action] or that I’m a “gay man who likes boobs” really doesn’t understand me, or bisexuality at all.

If there is one takeaway from all this that I want bi people, and those as yet undecided, is that you should never feel like sex has to define you. Peer pressure, social comfort and societal expectation can all push you into doing something that you don’t need to do, in order to prove your sexuality. You should never have to do that.

On the other hand, if you want to try something that you think might put a label on you, try it anyway. Labels don’t always stick. You choose which ones do. Feel free to redefine yourself at any stage of your life.