What women mean when they say -How to understand what she’s trying to tell You
Trust me, this is one of the most common questions I get asked by men that approach me for dating advice, and sadly even men that are married for decades do not get it! I suppose this has been and will always be one of the most commonly answered questions by psychologists, dating and relationship experts, and therapists. “Why do women speak in complicated ways?” “I don’t understand — I do (almost) everything she expects me to do, and she is still not happy!” Men of all age groups seem to be having this difficulty — interpreting what their girlfriend or female friend or partner is communicating. Several teenagers and young men send similar questions, and even a 54-year-old man (who himself is a psychologist) and a 65-year-old man have also asked me such.
Why The Difference in Communication and Understanding?
This is where the root problem lies: starting from their early childhood days, girl children and boy children are raised in different ways across all cultures. Girls have always been told that it is okay to be expressive, that it is only normal for women to get “overly emotional”, so women grow up believing that it is okay to share your feelings openly, and this gives them a lot of room for expressing emotions freely. On the other hand, when it comes to boys, at a very young age, male children are told to strictly avoid being emotional, “throwing tantrums is a girls’ thing”, “man up”, etc., so as adults, men tend to find it very difficult to connect with their own emotions, so they can’t even identify what exactly they are going through, and they tend to suppress their emotional side, get into denial, or become abusive. This is extremely unhealthy, sadly, and patriarchy is to blame.
Steve Harvey put it in a funny way, and watching this would get us laughing: what does she mean, and man, why you should be careful, very, very careful! Deadly Words Used by Women This is one of my favourite comedy videos, do watch it when you are free, but coming back to reality — is it so funny, the confrontation and conflict in relationships? Not at all, in fact, it is the opposite: highly unpleasant, burdensome, and stress-inducing. So What Does She Mean When She Says …?
“She suddenly stopped talking to me!” — This is a common complaint, sadly. In the man’s defense, what could have gone wrong? Why would a woman suddenly change her behaviour towards you or why would she become old, uncaring, upset, and indifferent? What’s going on? As long as it’s not something major that is upsetting in her life and demanding all her attention, as long as there is not some other guy she is involved with, take it from me: women don’t suddenly change their behaviour, not at all. In men’s language, women are called “dramatic” and “overthinking”, but women do care a lot about relationships in general because they have the freedom to explore their emotions. She would have given you several hints, big and small, all that you might have not noticed at all or laughed off, and even if she had complained to you about it, you’d have possibly not listened or taken it seriously — because men don’t know how to deal with emotions, like how our grandparents might not understand how to operate smartphones and tablets.
“When will men ever understand that “it’s fine” really means “I’m still f*cking angry”. — @RantingDosa, Twitter
“Whatever!” — This has been joked about a lot, especially in the context of relationships, dating, and communication between men and women. I will try not to laugh, okay. “Whatever” is a word or slang that is used to express frustration and wanting to end that conversation mostly. Said with rolling one’s eyes, she is probably tired regarding the issue in focus, and does not wnat to discuss it further. And men in these situations do not know what to do next — while an old, mature man called it “rude”, a few young men would ask, “so should I text/talk to her after this or not”? She is clearly annoyed or tired at least, and what would you expect from others if you were in her shoes? Space. Give her some space, and maybe later you can discuss the same issue in a more mature, serious, and polite way.
“No, I don’t need this (your help), okay?” — If she says it in a cool manner, the like anyone else, she simply means she doesn’t need that — gift or dress or a new gadget or a course, etc. But if she does say it in an angry way ( I am reminded of a scene from one of my favourite rom-coms here) either she asked you for help or you offered to help, and then you did not prioritise it for whatever reason. Or in general, she feels that she is getting the importance she has been giving to you or the subject of discussion.
“It’s okay/fine”. Ha ha, this is one of those classic jokes, I guess? I say it once in a while when I don’t really mean it. He would have said he’d call me at 7:00 and he’d call coolly at 12:00 and give some excuse I’d not even want to listen with a apology he probably does not even mean. “It’s okay”. Yeah, a lot many men still don’t get it, while those men who do understand that something is wrong wouldn’t know what to so following this. You have done something to her — admit it first of all. Take responsibility for your words or actions. Offer a sincere apology, and that means, don’t repeat it. Will men ever understand? Ha ha, we don’t think so!
The Cold Shoulder/ The Silent Treatment/Avoiding You: Are you sure it is not over something silly that does not deserve a response and it is only with you that she is behaving like this? In that case, ask yourself why she is reacting like that — what did you do to make her go cold? As stated earlier, women don’t just suddenly go cold from being warm. Not without reason. She might have told you what she hates the most, how she expects to be treated, what pisses her off, and did you do something like that now? In situations like these, neither the woman knows what to do next (or she has decided to permanently end things) nor the guy on the receiving end knows what to do next. Try to patch up in some healthy way.
Short replies. Ah! Short, one-word replies or crisp answers and nothing more can only mean one of these: 1) the thing you say deserves only that kind of a response, 2) the person is currently too busy to invest time in this subject of discussion, or 3) they dislike having any communication with you.
“Does She Like Me?” — This is another common question that we get asked, as therapists or psychologists and as female friends. “I am not sure if she likes me.” Well, the society has made certain things the norm and we still abide by stereotypes. Women are given mixed advice: “Don’t ever tell a man he likes you before he says that”, one expert would say, and “Go ahead! Men love to be loved, too. Men love attention, too. Tell him you like him. He’d find it sexy!” another expert would say. Here, though there is not much difference between men and women. All humans fear rejection and the consequences of things going wrong following this: “what is this breaks our friendship?”. “What if I come across as funny?” “What if he/she is already dating someone?” “What if they don’t see me like that? How ill I face him/her ever again then?” Both men and women tend to have questions like this running. If you pick up hints that they like you romantically and if you like them, too, them either tell them you like them, or make them feel secure and comfortable with you — that you’d not judge them, that things will not get messy between you two. That could motivate them to speak freely.
All jokes apart, as a psychotherapist myself, I can’t insist enough on the importance of healthy communication. Communicate. Got needs? Have feelings? Upset? Like someone? Expect a change? Wish to patch up? Want to talk to them? Feeling shy? Feeling nervous? Disappointed? Can’t take it anymore? Want to be left alone? Need space? Want love? Communicate. And FYI healthy communication means being clear, and not just talking but also listening, and being respectful.
Hope this article helped you! Like what you read? Have other thoughts? Let us know in the comments.
For more articles on mental health, therapy and counselling, relationships and dating, check out: Blog — Refine Redefine.
For more information, updates, and blog posts on mental health, therapy and counselling, dating and relationships, check out our website: Refine Redefine.
