6 Women Share What They’ve Learned In Their First Year Of Marriage
By Natalie Gill
No one sets out to have a bad marriage. When many couples say their vows while gazing into their partner’s eyes, they’re envisioning a lifetime of wedded bliss, complete with an endless supply of back rubs, emotional support and sex on tap. But as the current UK divorce rate shows — 42% of them end in divorce — marriage isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.
Of course, there are usually legitimate reasons why people get divorced and there should be no stigma around it (arguably, the process should also be made easier). If you want to reduce the risk of divorce, you’d be wise to implement some damage limitation. A recent study of heterosexual couples, presented at the International Association for Relationship Research (IARR) conference in Colorado, found that marital disagreements take a toll on our mental and physical health. Disagreeing over topics such as children, money, in-laws and leisure activities can be as bad for us as smoking and drinking, which is as good an incentive as any to work on your marriage or long-term relationship.
Refinery29 UK asked six women what they’ve learned in their first year of marriage about dealing with conflicts and disagreements. Take notes.
Esther & Mike
Esther Kezia Thorpe, 26, a content marketing manager, podcaster and designer in London, married her partner, Mike, in April 2017 after five years together.
We haven’t had any serious disagreements yet — we made sure we were on the same page about all of the big things before we were married. We low-level bicker, but it’s all in good humour. When I was made redundant about a month into being married, Mike was really patient and helpful, but I probably wasn’t very easy to be around for those few weeks. I appreciate how understanding he was, especially that early on in our marriage.
If something is bugging you in your marriage, deal with it. Conflicts can blow out of proportion if you don’t deal with the underlying issues, and it helps how we communicate with each other to learn how to deal with smaller things constructively. Most of the time it’s just because someone’s said or done something in a way that they didn’t realise was having an impact on the other person. Mike is also very good at apologising, which deflates arguments pretty quickly. I’m not so good at that.
My first bit of advice to newlyweds would be to never let the sun go down on an argument. You can’t always resolve these things, but making an effort to clear up resentment and misunderstandings means you can both start the next day afresh. Secondly, beware of magnification. It can be easy in a long-term relationship or marriage to magnify the small, annoying things about the other person, which can spiral into thinking negatively. Instead, try and magnify the things you love about them. For example: ‘He may have left the toilet seat up again but he’s also cooked me really nice food this evening and has set time aside to listen to how my day’s gone’. It puts the trivial things into perspective. Oh, and no phones in the bedroom or at the dinner table. Undivided attention is priceless.
Phoebe & Mike
Phoebe Grace Ede, 21, works in PR and social media and lives in southeast London. She married her partner, Matt, in June 2017 after six years together.
We haven’t had many disagreements, but we do bicker a lot as we’re both stubborn. It’s all small things such as overspending on treats or not doing house chores. We moved at the same time as we got married which was a little stressful and resulted in an argument over the ridiculously large TV he bought. We try to stick to a budget and be honest with each other about spending to reduce the risk of arguments.
We recently created a joint task list for boring adult things like food shopping and chores. That way, it’s not up to one of us to ‘notice’ when something needs doing. Our other rule is that if something is becoming an issue, we must bring it up as soon as possible. If you bottle it up, it will fester and burst out in a huge emotional argument over something tiny that could have been avoided.
Going into marriage, you have to be willing to compromise and you need patience. Everyone has a romantic honeymoon phase and looks forward to the rest of their life with their soulmate/best friend. Realistically though, neither of you is going to be 100% lovely all year round. Pick your battles and remember that love is a choice and isn’t always a fuzzy feeling or a box of chocolates, though they’re always appreciated.
The main thing I’ve struggled with so far is other people questioning our life choices. Many people automatically assume we got married to have children (hell no), or that we’ve made a mistake. They can’t accept that we both want to be in a relationship with one person for the rest of our lives. I get a lot of ‘But you’re so young!’ ‘The same guy, for your whole life!?’ comments. Yes, I’m aware of that. That’s what marriage is, no?
Rukaya & Catriona
Rukaya Ellison, 26, a customer service co-oordinator in Bromley, south London, married her girlfriend, Catriona Ellison, in October last year after nine years together.
Neither of us are confrontational people and I don’t believe in bottling things up so I’ll eventually tell you if I feel a certain way. But we’ve been together so long that sometimes you can get lost in the routine of everyday life. You don’t go on a date night as often or get each other random gifts “just because” and trying to get back to that is hard.
We don’t have major arguments but we’ve had a handful of disagreements, mostly about money and our contributions to household work, which used to be quite one-sided. It’s difficult but I’d recommend that when talking about a disagreement, try not to rope other previous issues into whatever new argument you’re having. Even if you don’t agree, try to understand the other person’s argument and try not to invalidate it with, ‘That’s funny but remember when you did X, Y or Z?’ Be honest with how you feel without being nasty, petty or vindictive, as things said in anger can’t be taken back.
Don’t feel pressure to achieve the next big thing and enjoy just being married. Talking about the next big steps is great but people have a tendency to go from ‘When are you getting engaged?’ to ‘When are you getting married?’ to ‘When are you having kids?’ pretty quickly. Enjoy being a couple, remember to go on date nights and just have fun being together.
Olivia & Luke
Olivia Doyle, 27, a project coordinator based in Solihull and Dubai, married her partner, Luke, in April 2017 after five years together.
We haven’t had any serious disagreements yet, but we do bicker a lot over things like money — my ASOS addiction and his record addiction — and where to eat. They’re usually over whether we’ve been irresponsible that month, whether we should have saved more towards our future instead of going out and buying stuff. These are resolved by trying not to overthink the situations as sometimes they aren’t always as bad as we make out, or by coming up with a plan to save or be more responsible the following month if we’ve been thoughtless with cash.
We make a point of setting certain evenings or days especially dedicated to us. We do things like date nights at new restaurants we want to try, cosy film and duvet days staying in, cooking together, games nights or going away somewhere. We’re always being silly with each other and cracking jokes. Luke particularly likes to thrown in an Alan Partridge reference at least once a day, which never fails to make me laugh.
When things get heated between us, we tend to laugh it off or make a joke of it so nothing ever gets serious. We try to support each other and try to keep a positive mindset about everything. Appreciate every little moment with your partner, don’t take anything for granted and try to make each other laugh every day.
Abby & Ikenna
Abby Lewis-Miller, 29, a PR consultant in London, married her partner, Ikenna, in September 2017 after four years together.
There haven’t been any low moments yet, but it definitely feels more financially strained because we’re trying to put our money into making a special home for ourselves. It can be challenging when we sacrifice a holiday for new furniture and carpets but it’ll be worth it in the long run.
When you’re married, there’s less censorship during arguments and you really let loose, whereas before you might have thought twice before throwing insults at each other. We bicker but since being married we’ve barely argued about stuff that actually matters — the only real disagreement we have is over where we want to eventually live and have children. My husband is a proud Londoner whereas my family and friends are based in Bristol.
To minimise conflict we try not to focus on the little stuff or rise to the bait. My husband knows exactly what will push my buttons and I do him, but I have to sometimes stop and remind myself that he’s still an amazing person and it really doesn’t matter if he leaves his pants on the floor.
Marriage has cemented our love even more and it gets better every day — it’s cheesy but true. We’re a family and the security of marriage has definitely made us both feel more relaxed in a good way. Saying that, my advice to other couples would be to not get complacent. We make time for each other, even if it’s just watching a Netflix series together or going clubbing together on a date night. We don’t underestimate the importance of intimacy to keep us close.
Theresa & Matt
Theresa Christine, 30, a freelance travel writer in Los Angeles, California, married her partner, Matt, in August 2017 after almost four years together.
I’m highly sensitive and couldn’t be married to someone I argued with or even bickered with regularly — it would exhaust me — but we do disagree sometimes on household things, like where soaking dishes should go or arranging throw pillows. Our most serious conversations have been related to habits around the house! It’s small stuff where one way isn’t right or wrong, it’s simply different.
We prioritise honesty to reduce the risk of conflict. We did long distance for two years so we were basically connected through phone calls and texts, with the occasional Skype date. There was zero room for not saying what was really on our minds. We expect the truth from each other and we never suppress emotions or desires to let them fester into something ugly. This is especially true when we’re frustrated with each other.
We use ‘I’ statements when discussing things. It automatically turns accusatory situations of ‘you did this’ into something raw. I remember learning that mediating tactic in school and thinking it was lame, but it really works. Because you’re speaking in such a vulnerable way, it rarely turns into a screaming match. And we’re never too proud to apologise. It’s really difficult to admit I’ve done something wrong or hurt Matt, but I value his happiness above everything, and I know he feels the same about me. So if that means I ever owe him an apology, I do, and I then try to do and be better.
I’d recommend setting marriage goals for the year. We made a list which included what we wanted to try and accomplish and it’s been fun to incorporate them into our life. We planned to travel out of the country somewhere new, to do regular Sunday night drinks and to use our gelato maker regularly (the most delicious marriage resolution ever). It gives us a chance to work towards something together and everything on the list brings us closer as a couple.
Originally published at https://www.refinery29.com.
