Everything I Learned From Living With A Couple
Living with a significant other is often seen as a mark of adulthood. But with property prices soaring, many millennial couples are choosing to swap having their own space for shared housing in order to keep costs down.
For the couples, living in a houseshare has its fair share of positives: it’s cheaper, more sociable and you get to try cohabiting before making any major commitments. But for the housemates involved, living alongside a couple can have its awkward moments.
Whether it’s arguing over how to split the bills, becoming a part-time relationship counsellor or hearing way too much through the walls, living with a couple can often be tricky territory to navigate.
Here we chat to six young women about their experiences of living with a couple.
“I heard every single time they fucked and every single argument they had because our walls were paper thin.”
May, 25, London
How did you come to live with the couple?
She sublet my room while I was away, and then he sublet another room in the house a few weeks later. When I returned, they moved into one small room together. They were friends of friends and in the same social circle as me.
What was the dynamic between the three of you?
I was in a relationship but my boyfriend lived in America so I was alone for six weeks at a time. It did make me feel lonely sometimes — they were constantly together, and he didn’t like it when she spent time with me alone. Also, I heard every single time they fucked and every single argument they had because our walls were paper thin.
Which memory stands out the most from your time living with them?
When we had to call the police on them during an absolute raging argument where a door got broken down and a hole put through the wall.
Did living alongside a couple make you want a relationship?
No, it made me want to be single.
What did you learn about relationships while living with them?
That codependency is the worst.
Would you live with a couple again in the future?
I’d honestly rather live in a cardboard box on the street.
“They leaned on each other for support in harder times, meaning sometimes my feelings would be forgotten about.”
Tabitha, 24, London
How did you come to live with the couple?
We were on the same course at university and I became good friends with both of them so we all moved in together.
What was the dynamic between the three of you?
The majority of the time it was great — we often hung out together, watched TV as a house etc but I did always feel like their third wheel. You get the feeling that you are second rate to everyone and nobody chooses you first. We were all on a stressful course and they leaned on each other for support in those harder times, meaning sometimes my feelings would be forgotten about, which was quite isolating.
Which memory stands out the most from your time living with them?
We had a house Christmas roast and all pitched in on different elements. We had a tiny oven and it took so long that we didn’t eat until about 11pm. It was great.
Did living alongside a couple make you want a relationship yourself?
Yes. I saw how much they supported one another and I thought at the time it would be great to live with someone who always has your back.
What did you learn about relationships while living with them?
I learned that while you are living in each other’s pockets and sharing everything in life, it is important you still have a true sense of who you are and time to yourself. Otherwise, if the relationship breaks down, you don’t really know how to be alone and be in your own company.
Would you live with a couple again in the future?
I wouldn’t live with a couple again while single. Overall I would say that while there were great experiences, you feel the isolation more, living with a couple, and it can be super awkward being around when arguments occur between them.
“I came home from work and there was a full-on sex party going on in my front room.”
Mandy*, 28, London
How did you come to live with the couple?
We were old friends who had grown up in the same town, and after university we ended up moving to London at the same time. We found a beautiful place and signed contracts together. At no point was the partner there for the viewings or contract signing; it was never mentioned that they would be living there at all. I never actually agreed to live with a couple.
What was the dynamic between the three of you?
A bit awkward to be honest. I think it would have been less awkward if the living situation had been discussed beforehand, and if the couple’s relationship was healthier. But they bickered a lot and there was a lot of infidelity, which made it a bit uncomfortable as some of the jealousy was directed towards me, even though I did not participate in their romantic or sexual endeavours in any way. I would also feel a bit uncomfortable bringing guys I was dating around them as the female partner would make comments about me.
Which memory stands out the most from your time living with them?
One day they asked if I minded them having a few people over for drinks. I of course did not. I came home from work on the evening in question and there was a full-on sex party going on in my front room. It was a lot.
Did living alongside a couple make you want a relationship yourself?
Absolutely not. It was one of the most unhealthy, manipulative relationships I have ever seen in my life. If anything, living with a couple made me happy to be single and wait for the right one. Or quit my job and move to Bali and kiss a yoga teacher.
What did you learn about relationships while living with them?
That any relationship only works with good communication between all parties and honesty. Especially polyamorous ones.
Would you live with a couple again in the future?
Never again!
“The dynamic is like three friends who live together. They always ask my opinion before they make a decision, which is really respectful.”
Michelle, 28, London
How did you come to live with the couple?
I was already living with my brother and he got married so my sister-in-law moved in.
What was the dynamic like between the three of you?
When you live as a single person, you can decide everything by yourself: what to cook for dinner, what furniture you want, when to take a shower or do the laundry. When you live with a couple, you pretty much need to sign off everything with them. Me and my brother are like friends as well as family, and when my sister-in-law moved in it felt the same. The dynamic is like three friends who live together. They always make sure to ask my opinion before they make a decision, which is really respectful, and they never make me feel like a third wheel.
Which memory stands out the most from your time living with them?
When she moved in I felt like I had another sister to talk to, and we love cooking together (which is great because my brother hates it).
Did living alongside a couple make you want a relationship yourself?
Yes. It’s really nice to see how they deal with difficulties together and how to solve arguments.
What did you learn about relationships while living with them?
Conversation is very important, especially at home.
Would you live with a couple again in the future?
Yes. However, as it is a very intimate thing, I probably wouldn’t do it if one of them isn’t someone I’ve already known for a long time.
“They were disgusting and would have sex so loudly, as if they wanted to let the entire city know they had a sex life.”
Tahira, 33, London
How did you come to live with the couple?
I was friends with the guy in the relationship. I moved into the three-bedroom flat that the guy owned, and a few months into my tenancy, his girlfriend moved in with us.
What was the dynamic between the three of you?
I never felt like the third wheel because I think that’s an antiquated mentality that doesn’t really apply to people my age and at my stage in life. I really couldn’t care less, especially as their relationship wasn’t perfect. They both became my friends and I could spend time alone with either of them and not be bothered. The living room was the shared space and they pretty much respected it.
Were there ever any issues?
It evolved to a tense situation as I felt a lot of the resources were being split three ways. Obviously my friend was paying his mortgage and I was paying rent on the room, but the girlfriend wasn’t paying much of anything other than kitchen things, and she lived like an absolute slob. On top of this, they were disgusting and would have sex so loudly, as if they wanted to let the entire city know they had a sex life.
Which memory stands out the most from your time living with them?
The disgusting state in which she left the toilet. For such a small girl, she sure could take a shit. This was a regular thing. And she would use my makeup wipes and never replace them. I had to start keeping them in my room, even though my lease included my own bathroom (which she would always use).
Did living alongside a couple make you want a relationship yourself?
Not one like theirs. Their dynamic was very strange and I’m not sure if it’s over. Because I was the flatmate, I knew a lot about my friend (the guy). He was cheating on his girlfriend pretty much every day she wasn’t there. There were women in and out, it was like a brothel. It was all very strange because I never got to the bottom of whether she was cool with that, or whether she was clueless. But I figured it wasn’t my business.
What did you learn about relationships while living with them?
Trust is hugely important. She clearly trusted him even though she shouldn’t have. I also learned that if you have secrets, don’t bring a flatmate into the fold because they’re going to learn things about both of you.
Would you live with a couple again in the future?
Oh my god. Never again.
“Living with a couple taught me that you need to keep your independence when you’re in a relationship.”
Naomi, 24, Manchester
How did you come to live with the couple?
I met them both when we were placed together in a flat in my first year of university. At the time they didn’t know each other and weren’t romantically involved.
What was the dynamic between the three of you?
Living with them wasn’t that bad because there were 14 of us in total living in our halls, so I didn’t feel like much of a third wheel. At the time we were all getting to know each other still, so we mostly hung out in big groups, the couple included.
Which memory stands out the most from your time living with them?
The overall memory of living with them is that the guy in the relationship would always involve the rest of us in their arguments, which was gross. He would always drop awkward comments about them arguing while we were all together, which made us all feel uncomfortable. Five of us (including him) decided to continue living together in second year and he ended up being the only guy in the flat. I think talking about their arguments was his way of trying to connect with us, but we always took the girl’s side.
Did living alongside a couple make you want a relationship yourself?
Not really. I saw how their relationship hindered them because instead of going out and making friends, they would just hide behind each other.
What did you learn about relationships while living with them?
Living with a couple taught me that you need to keep your independence when you’re in a relationship. It’s so easy to rely on hanging out with your other half instead of trying new things or going out and being social. I also learned that living as a couple among other people is a false idea of what living with your partner is really like. Most couples move in together years into a relationship, once they know that their S.O. is ‘the one’. Living as a couple in a houseshare essentially means there are four other people in your relationship at all times who you can discuss all your arguments with (which was exhausting for the rest of us).
Would you live with a couple again in the future?
If I were to search for a spare room now I would purposefully avoid houses with couples.
Living with a couple can be stressful but if you have any serious concerns about your renting situation, contact Shelter on 0808 800 4444.
Originally published at https://www.refinery29.com.
