How To Expertly Swerve Awkward Questions At Christmas

By Lucy Hancock

Home might be where the heart is, especially over the festive season, but it’s also a place where problematic things occur, such as Abba nights, Brexit and toilets with carpets.

Yes, you’ve got a KeepCup now. You’ve listened to a few podcasts and experimented with berets, which means you are probably incredibly sophisticated. But not everyone in your family or circle of friends is going to be razzing their nut about your lavish cosmopolitan lifestyle, least of all when you borrow their money to fund it.

Learning how to navigate these tricky conversational waters at Christmas time will be the only thing that stands between you and a hollow scream into the belly of your childhood teddy bear.

Here’s how to expertly swerve awks convos on religion, politics, your love life and more…

Politics

The news happens literally every day and you can have vague, validating conversations with your friends about it, so take this opportunity to have a wee break from your moral convictions because you are going to need to let a lot of things slide this Christmas.

Ask enough probing questions and you will find out that at least one member of your family thinks something has ‘gone too far’. Don’t ruin your own Crimbo by prodding this hornet’s nest. It’s no fun to discover your sweet ol’ mum is actually a commanding officer of the patriarchy who thinks street harassment is ‘very flattering’ and gender neutral is a setting on the washing machine.

Bear in mind there is an entire vociferous generation of Clives and Kens out there with a lot of stuff they need to get off their chests, so watch out for tripwires. Anything can set them off: premium rate texts, political correctness, even soy milk.

The women of this generation tend to be less forthright, which means they are more likely to do an accidental racism, or a low, vague, muttering one. It’ll slip out while she’s talking about bunion surgery, or during a high stakes game of Articulate.

Everyone’s got a properly racist neighbour, one who really knows how to bring down the temperature of a drinks party. One minute everything’s going smoothly, then ding dong! Here he is! Look out for warning signs. A royal wedding memorial plate here, a British bulldog fridge magnet there. One of those downstairs loo poo books published by The Telegraph. Stay vigilant.

Nigel’s just got an Amazon Echo he would absolutely love to talk about. So, if you’re too glassy from prosecco to take the moral high ground, by all means defer some passive aggressive questions to his new best friend. Like: “Alexa… what is colonialism?”

Religion

Religion is actually the point of Christmas, so now is probably not the time to get defensive and bum Grandma out with your woke Richard Dawkins routine. It’s also probably a little bit rich coming from someone who didn’t apply for a job once because their moon was in Uranus.

Church may be trending right now but it is a chance to cleanse your damned soul and punctuate the perpetual relay of brie, booze and Lindor to your mouth. Think about it: If you’re Christian, it’s quite weird that you’re celebrating Jesus’ birthday but not turning up to his party. If you aren’t Christian, think of it as a chance to shriek words like ‘hark’ and ‘hallelujah’ from the absolute top of your lungs.

Some churches do have booze in them, which is good, but it’s never quite enough, so bring a hip flask. After all: “Itzzzz Crizzzzmaszz!”

Money & Career

How do you explain to people over 50 that the entire millennial workforce is just sending each other ‘did you get my email’ emails? Nothing will make you feel like your existence is meaningless like an encouraging watery smile while you try and explain what a ‘content creative’ is. Be smart and prepare some fake back-up jobs for family friends and more successful cousins.

Money might not grow on trees but chocolate coins do, so make sure your mouth is constantly full of them and at no point free to answer questions about your finances. Mum may not be over the moon with her crumbly bath bomb but as long as you aren’t dobbed in by a loose-lipped sibling, nobody need know you spent the last of your emergency cash on a round of martinis.

If you are not to spend any more money, it’s important to stay extremely still. ’Tis the season to regress into oblivion. Sit in the back of the car, slide around the kitchen in your slipper socks and stare blankly at one of your parents when it’s time to pay for anything.

This is of course as long as nobody starts asking spooky ass questions about your ‘future’. When you’re Christmas levels of broke, even a game of Monopoly can be triggering. Feel those little red houses digging into your palms as you grimace through a speech about frivolous spending from Dad, a man who owns three sets of golf clubs and a Bluetooth toaster.

Love Life

If you are aged between 25 and 45 you will, at some point in your life, have been backed up against a buffet table and press-ganged into answering questions about the status of your uterus by a cluster of birdlike women.

If they had their way, you would pack a flask, strap on a head torch and venture into the night to ‘find a man’. Even if you’ve managed to sniff one out, deploy your stun gun and drag him back to your house, it wouldn’t be enough for them. They don’t care if he’s an animated corpse with an earwax build-up and a media studies degree from Southampton Solent. They want cold hard metal, they want shackles. They need hats and promises and fruit cake. Once you’ve fed them that, their appetite only grows. They want blood. They want heirs.

A family Christmas as a single person over 30 is a veritable carnival of head tilts and pursed lips, so find a friend with good Photoshop skills and by all means magic that special someone into your life. Then, if anyone starts enquiring wistfully about grandchildren, just ask them pityingly why they haven’t managed to get it together to buy a speedboat.

Originally published at https://www.refinery29.com.