What It’s Like To Get Married The Second Time Around
It’s not often you get a second chance at something in life. But when you do, it’s one of the rare times you have the advantage of experience and perspective. And when it comes to planning a wedding, this can be, quite frankly, invaluable.
It is well documented that the pressure of planning the “perfect” wedding (spoiler: it doesn’t exist) can reduce first-time brides to nervous wrecks, and understandably so. The expectations of family and friends are outrageous (back off guys, it’s not your day). Which is why getting married for a second time can actually be much more enjoyable. After all, you’ve been down that aisle before.
In fact around 40% of nuptials in the UK are second weddings. And, thankfully, these tend to be a much more relaxed affair. Who cares what the wedding industry or family members are pressuring you to do when you’ve already bent over backwards for them once? To prove that hindsight really is 20/20, we spoke to four women who have had more than one wedding to find out what their second one was like, what they did differently, and how the wedding industry has changed since they first got hitched.
Kate
Age at first marriage: 24
Age at second: 40
How was your second wedding different from your first? My first wedding was very traditional, I did what was ‘expected’ of me, but my second wedding was magical. It was a day that reflected us in every way: a DIY vintage wedding that only cost £3k, and it was perfect. So much so that I set up my business off the back of it.
What did you do differently for the second one? It was a humanist ceremony — we got married outdoors in a meadow and arrived as a family rather than me being ‘given away’. We both wore vintage, ate fish and chips, drank champagne from teacups, created our own playlist, made our own decorations (so it looked like a garden fête), we even had a raffle! Aesthetics aside, we made time for each other during the day and wrote our own vows, it was very romantic. I married my soulmate the second time around. We already had children by the time we got married so they were involved, which made it more special, it was like we were becoming even more of a unit.
Did your first wedding teach you anything? That you should have a day that reflects YOU, not what society or friends and family tell you to do. My first wedding was nice but it had no personality, nothing that made it me or even us. It reinforced how important it is to create a day for you, and to have a day filled with love. Everyone was there because we wanted them to be rather than being told they had to be there. But then again, weddings were different back then.
How? When I first got married brides only wore white, now it is more accepted that they can wear whatever they like. You had a reception in a hotel or the like — now we have tipis and warehouses dressed as we want. There was no choice — we had speeches, the gift list, the buffet — now you can do what the hell you like. Thankfully! With the rise of Pinterest, wedding blogs and shows, couples can see that they can have whatever they want on their big day. They can have a vintage day, a goth day, a festival wedding — whatever they want.
Rae
Age at first marriage: 18
Age at second: 32
What were your weddings like? My first wedding was a ‘princess dream’ but my second wedding was very different, far more ‘grown-up’ and low-key. There were more people but in a registry office instead of a church, I borrowed a dress, had no bridesmaids and it was about a third of the price.
What made you want a low-key wedding the second time? It was a financial decision, plus I’d had the ‘fairytale wedding’ the first time and that didn’t work.
Did you learn anything from your first wedding? I made sure I just bought what was needed and didn’t get involved in the ‘bride trap’, where as soon as you mention ‘wedding’ they bump up the price. I really shopped around and found I could have a great day for a realistic price.
Lisa
Age at first marriage: 19
Age at second: 32
What was your second wedding like? We eloped and headed off to New York City and had a wonderfully simple ceremony at the city clerk’s office, followed by a lavish reception in the UK with our loved ones. We were (and still are) head over heels in love and it felt 100% right; I knew on the day that this was ‘The One’. Everything about it was exactly how we wanted it to be, it was romantic, memorable and I wouldn’t change a thing.
Looking back to your first wedding, what did you learn? That it’s not all about other people. Don’t feel pressured into doing anything that you don’t want to, from the guests attending (parents wanting their own friends there, etc) to the food, decor, location, budget and even the marriage itself.
Was the wedding industry very different when you got married the first time? It was all about keeping things pretty traditional; bridal magazines were dull but most importantly, Pinterest wasn’t even invented! This time, I delighted in finding inspiration online and embracing the alternative bride movement with a short dress, my tattoos proudly on display and Shake Shack for our wedding breakfast.
Hannah
Age at first marriage: 23
Age at second: 37
Big takeaways from wedding number one? That you don’t need to spend a fortune to have a wonderful day, and to remember it’s about you, not the 150 guests!
What was your second wedding like? My second wedding was so different, we went to Las Vegas and there were only eight of us in total. It was intimate, romantic and all about us, our guests were a bonus. This was NOT an Elvis wedding, it was a romantic service in the oldest chapel on the strip, with a pastor who sounded like Morgan Freeman, and an organist. And I still walked down the aisle.
Did it feel like the first time? The two were not comparable. The situation, the venue, plus the guests and of course the groom, were different, but most of all I was older and wiser the second time round so this truly felt like all the pieces came together on my terms. The happiness was overwhelming as I had no details or schedules to be worried about. It was just me and Mike and a vow. I felt like I knew this one would work. I knew we were compatible and our life goals were all heading in the same direction. At 23 they were not questions I had asked or knew the answers to. But the second time, I knew this was it, without a shadow of a doubt!
How was wedding planning different compared to the first time? Certainly the decades have changed the prices, they just keep going up and up. I feel now when you mention the word ‘wedding’ you pay 50% more than if it was for an event or birthday… although you do get so many more savvy brides and grooms who look for ways to make it more homemade or individual and go to social media and Pinterest for ideas to recreate a look and feel on a budget. The industry has definitely become more creative and offerings and options are vast compared to the standard packages you used to get in the ‘90s.
Originally published at https://www.refinery29.com.
