A Letter To My Former Self
Dear 13-year-old Shannon,
I know there’s no way in hell you’re going to believe me, but I wouldn’t be writing you a letter if the news wasn’t radical.
I am the 29 year old version of you. I have a daughter, we live in a house by a forest, I work at a technology company, I’m in graduate school, and I just published a book. Things are going well for me, though I know they aren’t for you.
You’re in shock, and that’s okay. Your naïveté has finally come to a violent head and now, more than anything, you want to know everything. Though I know it will be years until you admit this to yourself, you’re incredibly fragile right now, probably right smack in the middle of your first (and possibly wildest) mental breakdown of your life. It feels like the world is screaming and all you know how to do is scream back.
But you’ll grow from it. The people who don’t understand will fall away. As they should. And one day, you’ll look around to see a small group of people with fierce love for you. Including the only person you’ll ever be related to by blood, your daughter, who, by the way, is every bit as kick-ass and delightful as you could ever dream of, probably more so.
You will learn, through so much violence and loss and despair, that there is something peaceful about accepting that there are mysteries about life that we can only speculate about. As vast as death and as minuscule as the genetic code that dictates the length of your pinky. Who the fuck knows? It’s okay not to know. But it’s also okay to wonder.
Though I know you’re about to spend so many years of your life, the rest of your youth into adulthood, in tumultuous and terrifying times, please know that you grow up to be everything you ever dreamed of being. If you let yourself dream, wishes, hard work, and a smidge of luck will bring you satisfaction, though I’m afraid to have to tell you: this will take all of your strength to achieve, so keep growing strong.
Your anger is a holy thing, and just like Mom said, when it’s aimed in the right direction, you can do anything with it. Take on the world! But remember, it doesn’t matter what you think of the skewed lessons in morality you see around you now; you will have to build your own foundation of beliefs and rituals and moral guides, then muster the will to carry them out in your daily life. It won’t be easy, but you can do it. This will help you aim that anger.
You will live through times of war and poverty. You will make yourself bleed and pull out your hair strand by strand just to be in control of the pain. You will have nothing and nobody. You will peer over the edge, try to drink it away, and abandon your writing all to escape the memory of what is happening to you right now.
And yet you will live through it.
You will grow.
And learn.
And you will summon your rage, your determination, and your power, and you will conquer things you have always been too scared to dream about.
I can see your future, I know the path you are on, and I am so proud of you.
I promise there is so much to look forward to. Be strong.
Love,
29-year-old Shannon
Rose’s Locket, now available on Amazon, and BookShop, is a fictional novel about a girl’s exploration into her adoption and life’s meaning. If you want to connect, find me on IG @shannonrquist or my website www.shannonquist.com
