Apology
What does it really mean?
As each injustice takes hold we see organizations apologizing and often professing regret for those that came before — those who caused the harm. Perhaps there has been some level of accountability but accountability can be defined so broadly. What I have learned is that it should be defined and named by those who have been harmed. Understandably, there are processes that organizations must adhere to — but we also must approach those processes critically— always — because we know that the processes that we are responsible to follow are also products of systems that benefit whiteness, patriarchy, ableism and power.
So I am left with wondering what the value of these apologies actually are. If an apology leads to a change that results in further justice for those who have been treated unjustly, then there is action behind the apology. But what if there is no change and harm continues, or there is an apology for some actions and not others? Ultimately, where is justice? Is justice even possible?
Many will tell you that when they have challenged their organizations they are made to sign confidentiality agreements to protect the organization — but what of the victim?
To think this through, consider how we enact apologies in different spaces…
I did not grow up in a home where we were expected to “kiss and makeup” but grudges were and are still common and not particularly healthy. As a parent, I try to help my children understand how the other feels — to not get so set in their ways and their understanding of an interaction that they cannot understand how they may have caused harm, or how the other was impacted. By taking time to respect how each person feels, understand how we have impacted the person, and have the opportunity to share how we have been impacted we develop a deeper understanding of one another and ourselves in conflict. Whether one who may have caused harm considers the situation to be problematic or not, we must listen with compassion and understand that our actions have caused harm.
We know that intent matters little when complaints are considered from a Human Rights lens but rather the impact of our actions is what determines the injustice. Then again, in terms of Human Rights, there are criteria to determine if it meets a “threshold”. Who determines this threshold? For example, if a woman experiences what they deem to be sexual harassment in the workplace and the threshold is determined by a man, is that appropriate? If a Black person experiences what they deem to be racism, is it up to a White person to determine the threshold? How can I, as a White person, possibly know what it is like to experience racism? Without empathy, compassion, shared identities and experiences, it is very easy to dismiss what might be considered a violation of Human Rights.
Several years ago, I heard Rania El Mugammar speak and she shared this concept of “The Anatomy of an Apology”.
I truly appreciate this process and the descriptions she has offered.
In the Acknowledgement — bear witness…I have used this quote before from David Whyte sent to me from a dear friend and in that moment, I learned so much more about friendship. What if we took this concept of bearing witness to this level — “the privilege of being granted the sight of the essence of another”.
When those who have been harmed (I use this word but it merely scrapes the surface when we are talking about the lives at risk) risk speaking truth to power, we must understand that it is a privilege to not only bear witness, but to also honour this truth — in humility and to understand that to deny this truth is to side with injustice.
The step of Emotional Uptake is particularly important when we consider how Black, Indigenous, and racialized people are held to a higher standard. We know that White women and their tears are an act of violence but what of the Black woman (Read: Black Women in the Workplace by Seanna Writes) who is expected to hold her emotions? code switch? tone police? How we respond to emotions is not neutral. We need to create space for any and all emotions that those who have been harmed wish to express. Create that space and DO NOT CENTRE YOURSELF.
Which brings us to the next part of an apology: Centre the Hurt. This means that we do not get defensive, talk about how we feel or expect them to “support us during an apology”, nor praise us for the apology. *See Kevin’s apology to Randall below for an example of this.
This is where I started and what we will often hear in antiracism discourses — the need for Accountability + Changed Behaviour. This piece is so very important. What do those statements or apologies mean without change? without accountability? When a child causes harm we often hear excuses like, “I didn’t know what it meant” or “I was joking”. I have little patience for this. I have always felt that my role as an educator is to help the children in my care understand their impact and support them in empathizing with the person they harmed. What about when it comes from an adult? In Human Rights we have to ask if the person who received the allegations “ought to have known”. Specifically, “Harassment means a course of vexatious comment or conduct that is known, or ought reasonably to be known, to be unwelcome. The phrase “ought to have known” introduces an objective element to the test.”
The final component of an apology from El Mugammar is: Divest from Forgiveness. She writes, “Invest in the labor of reconciliation, divorced from appeasing our feelings of guilt and focusing on healing and supporting those we’ve harmed. Apologize without forgiveness as a target, but healing, regardless of whether we’re forgiven or not.”
How do people learn what reparations look like when they are told to either “shake hands and make up”, or that “I was joking” or “I didn’t know” is enough to end the exchange? It isn’t. What if the apology is for those we have harmed publicly but those on the inside, who have received the wrath of a system upholding White supremacy and are bound by confidentiality or by the legacy of fear say nothing and that pain is never acknowledged?
I have asked this before and I will ask it again: How many Black, Indigenous and racialized staff have left or are on leave from your organization? For people who have been socialized to work twice as hard to be considered, never mind honoured, what level of harm had to have happened for them to take a leave? To seek alternate employment? To leave a profession they have trained for and invested in financially and emotionally? What level of harm?
I am drawn to a quote from The Kite Runner —
There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft. When you kill a man, you steal a life… you steal his wife’s right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you tell a lie, you steal someone’s right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness… there is no act more wretched than stealing. ~Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
When something is stolen from someone, like a thing, an object, it can be returned. But what of someone’s life? A loved one’s life? Someone’s innocence? Someone’s confidence? Someone’s education? Someone’s body? Someone’s family? Someone’s sanity? Someone’s hope? Someone’s right to respect? Someone’s human rights?
The history of formal apologies grants solace for those apologizing but what of those who have been harmed? Perhaps it is a moment to feel seen, acknowledged and even the ability to breathe a little better…maybe…but there is no consolation when there is loss. Is the apology a consolation prize for those that finish last?
I have learned that statements such as “presume positive intentions” are one of those these things that can only be adhered to when you have a certain level of privilege. Some must assume otherwise and build trust over time — or not. Some assume they won’t be heard and will be threatened because time and again, this is all they see.
As I watched This Is Us this week, I was struck by the scene with the “apology” between Randall and Kevin. Randall holds himself as he has been expected to do his whole life and Kevin expects to be praised as he has been expected to do his whole life. We just repeat patterns. But it is the expectation of redemption from a few sentences after a lifetime of trauma, harm, and outright racism.
Moving from pop culture to politics…This article offers a “timeline of official apologies from the federal government” in Canada. As leaders apologize for the wrongdoings of their organizations we have to question what this actually means. Is it a level of accountability or is it saving face?
Canadians are notorious for prolific apologizing. We could say it is because we are humble or maybe we think it is because we are polite people. Perhaps we believe we are considerate and that is what draws us to apologize. In The Psychology of Sorry: Why Canadians can’t stop apologizing, the author asserts there can be many reasons for apologizing such as building interpersonal cooperation, guilt, and saving face. I happen to believe that we are in an era where apologies sit more in the “saving face” category than any other.
On June 11, 2008, Prime Minister Stephen Harper offers a full apology on behalf of Canadians for the Indian Residential Schools. This apology is said to be “well-received” by First Nations, Métis and Inuit people — but was it? What does an apology mean for Residential Schools when the 60s Scoop happened, when there are more First Nations, Métis and Inuit children in care now compared to the height of the Residential Schools? What does it mean when there are water warnings across many First Nations, Métis and Inuit communities throughout Canada? What does an apology mean when schools are filled with mold? What does an apology mean when there are thousands of Murdered and Missing Indigenous Women and Girls (MMIWG) and the government disputes of the use of the word genocide to describe this truth? What does an apology mean when the construction of the pipeline continues to destroy Indigenous lands?
In my faith there is a belief that each person has three names: the name their parents give them, the name by which you are known, and the name you make for yourself. When I have caused harm, how I respond is how I make my name. How I hold myself to account, is how I make my name. How I hold space for a person who has been harmed is how I make my name.
Choose your words carefully. Understand your actions have impact. Think deeply about accountability and the steps that Rania El Mugammar has outlined the Anatomy of an Apology. Understand that if the harm is public the apology must be public.
We can never undo what has been done. An apology does not correct an action but it can acknowledge it — bear witness, and be an impetus for real and systemic change.
Do you want to read more of my writing? Check out my publication, Reflective Stance on my website, http://debbiedonsky.com
