Is gratitude everything it’s jazzed up to be?
We hear it all the time, don’t we?
Be grateful. Write down three daily things. Appreciate the soothing sunset.
I’m not going to lie: my Instagram is filled with influencers preaching gratitude while in cross-legged positions — and they freaking bedazzle me.
But is it real? Can gratitude give us that kind of zen in life? Are three words really enough to reap the full potential of gratitude?
Like everything in life, the truth is somewhere in the middle. And when it comes to gratitude the social media hype forgot about an important question:
Why does gratitude even exist?
So let’s talk about that.
Why is it possible to feel grateful?
When you are trying to make sense of our psychology’s nature, evolution is always a great place to start; by looking back at how our species came to be, you can find patterns that reveal what we needed to survive in less safe times.
Gosh, I sound like such a nerd.
Anyways, gratitude is an emotion and from an evolutionary point of view, the purpose of emotions is to guide us through human existence — like GPS voices that pop in every now and then telling you to make a u-turn because you didn’t pay enough attention the first time.
The question is then: What does gratitude guide us towards?
Let’s take a look at what psychology researchers say:
“We can conclude that gratitude, across the broad spectrum of prosociality, is a key emotion, but in the domain of reciprocity it has a special place.” (Ma, Tunney & Ferguson in a very long academic article)
This conclusion is not easy to decode for a normal human, but after analyzing 91 different gratitude studies, I think their conclusion deserves the effort of translation:
Gratitude is a key emotion for prosociality: When we get a visit from the gratitude GPS it is telling us to focus on the people in our lives and appreciate them; gratitude makes our social lives better by helping us create and deepen our relationships.
In the domain of reciprocity it has a special place: Reciprocity is buying your friend dinner after he helped you move into your new place, and it is through this exchange that gratitude works most powerfully and provides the most benefits.
But why is that? Why does reciprocity lead to more health benefits than other gratitude practices such as writing down three daily words?
Let me show you.
Gratitude is bittersweet motivation
Have you guys ever seen the movie Pay It Forward?
You’re crying right now just thinking about it, aren’t you? — me too.
For those of you rolling your eyes, let me give you a short recap of the movie: As part of his school project on making the world a better place, a young boy decides to start a movement called Pay It Forward.
The premise of the movement is this: Do someone a favor and give. Instead of getting something in return, you tell them to do a favor for three other people. You tell them that paying the favor forward is how they’ll pay you back.
The idea is that like rings in the water, giving will spread and make the world better.
The way gratitude makes us feel is the mechanism through which this could work. When someone does something for us, it is an ambivalent experience; on the one hand, it feels really good, because we get something we need — or feel seen and cared for.
But on the other hand, it is uncomfortable. You are left with this itch that you must scratch; like you owe them and you need to give something back.
In fact, right after doing gratitude exercises such as writing a gratitude letter or thinking back on a kind act, studies show that people are left with mixed feelings. After the tasks, people feel gratitude, connectedness, elevation — good emotions — but people also feel indebtedness and guilt — negative emotions.
I find that quite fascinating: gratitude feels both good and bad.
But why is that? Why is it not enough to just feel good about your friend buying you that cup of coffee? Why do we also have to feel indebted and guilty?
Here’s a suggestion: If we didn’t feel indebted or guilty about receiving something, we wouldn’t have the same incentive to give back and improve ourselves. We would just sit there. Staring at the sunset. Forever.
From an evolutionary perspective this would be quite dumb; since you aren’t really of any use for your pack, they would most likely just leave you behind.
Gratitude feels bittersweet, because it is meant to push us to be better companions for others.
And this is where the health benefits come in: it is not the feeling of gratitude in and of itself that improves our psychological well being — it’s improving ourselves while deepening our relationships that does.
It is what gratitude guides us towards that makes us healthier.
Which leads me to my main point.
Gratitude should be about people
My main point is that I love gratitude. I love how powerful it is and that we are all becoming increasingly aware of that.
But it has to be about people.
Gratitude is feeling good because a person did something for you, and at the same time feeling motivated to improve yourself, so you can give back — in whatever form possible.
And that is scary.
It’s much easier to sit on our own thanking the sunset for existing, even though the sunset didn’t do shit.
So let’s go to the jazz club instead. Can you see it? You’re sitting at a table looking at some guys vibing away on the stage. They’re filling the room with wonderful ambiance and you instantly become aware of how much time, effort, and passion these guys have put into improving their craft.
You can see that they are sweating a bit — and that guy with the bass has really been standing up for a long time now, hasn’t he?
Sure they get paid, and that’s an efficient thing to think of if you want to deflate the potential of gratitude.
But what if you decided to not think of that? What if you were just grateful for them playing their asses off to give you a wonderful experience?
Acknowledging their human effort would be using the full power of gratitude.
Gratitude makes people grow
Have you heard of the phrase: What we appreciate, appreciates?
It’s quite famous, actually. It draws from the world of finance, where appreciate means “rise in value or price,” which probably leaves you wondering what on earth this has to do with gratitude.
Well, what this phrase is saying is that expressing gratitude makes something grow and become more.
So what if you went up to the artists afterward? What if you said, “Thank you for playing so passionately tonight. That truly gave me something.”
Well, that would be gratitude in its most powerful form. That would be both giving and receiving all in one night; your appreciation could potentially make them want to grow and become even better jazz artists.
I think that is a purpose worth pursuing.
But I want to add something: yes, what we appreciate, appreciates. But what is the most powerful thing to appreciate?
Each other.
So don’t just be grateful for the sunset or ice cream or the fact that your legs can go into a cross-legged position (although that is indeed a gift).
Be grateful for the human effort of giving that you see all around you, and then use this bittersweet motivation to grow yourself and become more.
This is the reason why gratitude exists.
After reading this: what thoughts on gratitude have come up that you could write down and reflect upon? How could you start utilizing the power of gratitude in your own life and relationships?
