The voices of children in new family forms

A provocation paper

Professor Susan Golombok FBA

Introduction

“What I’d like other people to know about my family is that we’re a happy family — we’re all really happy and joyful.” Mike, 9, child of a transgender parent.

New family forms, made possible by advances in assisted reproduction and changing social attitudes, have challenged popular myths and assumptions about the superiority of the traditional family in fostering children’s psychological adjustment. Studies of families with lesbian mothers, gay fathers, transgender parents, single mothers by choice, and families created by egg donation, sperm donation, embryo donation and surrogacy, have shown that the quality of family relationships matters more for children’s social and emotional wellbeing than the number, gender, gender identity, sexual orientation or biological relatedness of their parents[i][ii][iii].

But how does growing up in such families affect the daily lives of children? To complement the growing body of quantitative research on new family forms, qualitative studies have given insights to children’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences. From what children tell us, it is not the make-up of their family, but other people’s reactions to it, that can be upsetting. This provocation paper foregrounds what children have told us. It has been adapted from We Are Family: what really matters for parents and children[iv].

Children with same-sex parents

Between October 2009 and February 2010, the University of Cambridge Centre for Family Research collaborated with the LGBTQ organisation Stonewall on a study of the school experiences of 82 British children with same-sex parents[v]. Speaking to children as young as four, the researchers explored what growing up with same-sex parents was like for them. They found that the children were happy in their families. However, classmates sometimes made negative comments that were distressing. Mark, 8, explained that when classmates used the phrase ‘that’s so gay’ as an insult he felt upset. Other children were shunned because of their lesbian mothers. Hannah described an unpleasant incident when she started college: “A girl said, ‘I know I don’t know you very well, but a couple of girls have been saying that your mum’s a lesbian’. When I replied that mum is a lesbian, she said, ‘Oh, my God, that’s sick.’” When children saw prejudice and discrimination around them, they felt less able to be open about their own family. Stacey explained, “My brother and I knew some people in our school that had gay and lesbian parents and that did get bullied quite a lot and that scared us from telling people. So we never really told anyone. It was hard keeping secrets.”

Another problem that many children mentioned was having to explain about their family over and over again because no one else in school talked about same-sex parents. While some children were at ease with answering questions, others felt uncomfortable. Siân, 9, said, “Sometimes people ask me, and I get a bit awkward, so I just sort of … I try to cut down the story as much as possible, so I don’t have to say that much. It got a teeny bit annoying because they were like … how were you born then? So, I think umm … stop it.”

When schools create a positive and supportive environment for children with same-sex parents, and for young people who identify as LGBTQ, it can make all the difference. As Coral, 14, explained, “In our school they have an equality group that deals with not very nice gay comments and saying the ‘gay’ word all the time and sayings like that. They deal with it really well to be honest. Basically, they spread the word how it’s not very good to say ‘oh this is so gay’ ‘that’s so gay’ even though it’s used as a different meaning. They tell them that’s wrong and why you shouldn’t say that.” For Mike, 17, simply seeing a poster on the wall was appreciated, “Just this year a new English teacher joined who is gay, I think, and he has one of the Stonewall ‘Some People Are Gay Get Over It’ posters in his classroom. Just seeing the poster in his room is really cool.”

Children with transgender parents

In 2015, when the UK Government Equalities Office initiated a discussion on how to improve public services for LGBTQ families, it became clear that little was known about children’s experiences of a parent’s transition. To fill this gap Susan Imrie and Sophie Zadeh began the first in-depth study of what it means for children when their father or mother changes gender[vi].

Most of the children were accepting of their parent’s transition and discussed it in a matter-of-fact way. Susanna, 14, was a toddler when her father transitioned, “I don’t remember when it actually happened, so it’s basically been for as long as I remember. Chloe’s always been Chloe.” Vicky, 12, who also experienced her father’s transition when she was very young, said “He’s been wearing skirts for as long as I can remember. To me, it’s not strange. To someone else, maybe, having a dad who wears skirts and likes pink would be weird, but to me it’s perfectly normal.” And Brad, 12, explained, “It’s fine, they’re still your parent, they haven’t changed, it doesn’t change who they are”.

But experiencing their parent’s transition can be difficult for some children. As Susie, whose father transitioned when she was seven, said, “Thinking that my dad was becoming a mum was very hard, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it.” For some children, not understanding what’s happening to their parent is a greater source of distress than the actual transition. “It would have helped if he had explained things a bit better. It wasn’t so much him wearing dresses, but more him being a bit manic and doing strange things,” said 18-year-old Henry. Chris, also 18, offered advice to other children in the same situation: “Try to get them to communicate with you as much as possible because it’s worse if things are happening and you don’t know why”.

As time goes by and families adjust to their new situation, the parent’s transition often becomes easier for children to understand and accept. Jade, who was six when her father transitioned, was upset about losing her dad: “When she transitioned, I felt like there was a hole in my heart because I missed my dad, and every time somebody talked about their dad, I got really upset.” Over time, Jade became more accepting. Looking back, when she was nine, she said, “When she transitioned, it made her a lot happier ‘cos when she was a boy, she was really unhappy. Ever since she’s transitioned, she’s come home from work, hugged us, and been really happy. It’s changed a lot since she transitioned”. Grace, 5, whose father transitioned when she was three, explained, “She really wanted to be a girl ‘cos she wasn’t happy when she was a boy. She’s being much more kinder”.

Like children with same-sex parents, it usually falls on children with trans parents to explain about their family to their peers, and this can be an unwelcome burden. Susanna said, “My problem has been having to explain it to other people constantly because no one really understands,” and Josh reported, “Sometimes random people ask me questions and I have to explain it to them. That gets tiring for me”.

Many of the children experienced positive reactions from their friends. But outside their friendship group, some of the children experienced teasing and bullying. Callum said, “They take the mick out of it, but I’m not friends with these people because they’re stupid,” and Sonny explained, “Unfortunately, I have to go to school surrounded by a lot of transphobes and homophobes.” Just as schools can play an important part in making children with same-sex parents feel accepted — or not — the same is true for children with trans parents. Wendy’s school is a good example of an inclusive school. She said, “I put my hand up and said, ‘I don’t have a dad because my dad’s transgender,’ and I got an award for it ‘cos that was actually really brave of me to say”.

Children born through assisted reproductive technologies

As part of a longitudinal study of families formed by egg donation, sperm donation, and surrogacy, children who had been told about their conception were interviewed about their thoughts and feelings about their origins when they were aged 7[vii], 10[viii], and 14[ix].

Although the children showed little understanding of their conception when they were 7, by age 10, they had acquired a clearer grasp of what it means to be donor conceived. Some remembered being shocked when they found out. Charlie, conceived by sperm donation, said, “I was quite amazed because I never knew about all that,” and Chris, conceived by egg donation, reported, “Just a little bit shocked really. I just didn’t realise that it was like that. I thought it was just the normal way of people getting made”. However, the majority were accepting. As Tom put it, “I’m fine…I don’t feel any differently, I’m just carrying on with my life. I don’t really think about it much, because there’s much more like, special on my mind, like cooler things”.

Despite having a greater understanding of their conception by age 14, the teenagers were generally unconcerned about their origins. As Maria, conceived by sperm donation, said, “I don’t think it really affects anything. I consider that my dad is still my dad”. Nevertheless, many 14-year-olds wished to find out about, or meet, their donor. Sarah, born through egg donation, explained, “It’s more important to me now…I’m always thinking about what she looks like,” and Alex, conceived by sperm donation, said, “I would like to know who he is…quite a lot…Recently a lot more than I used to”. In a related study, donor-conceived children reported that they were curious about similarities in appearance and personality with their donor and donor siblings — genetically-related half-siblings born from the same donor who have grown up in different families — and also wanted to gain a greater understanding of their ancestry and themselves[x].

Of the children in the longitudinal study who had been born through surrogacy, only one 14-year-old expressed some unhappiness, the majority were largely uninterested, and a few saw it as an advantage. As Simon put it, “I was talking to someone at school and they said they were an accident. I know I was really wanted, and it makes me feel special”. Others, like Helen, explained that being born by surrogacy does not affect her relationship with her parents, “It doesn’t bother me. My mum is still my mum. Dad is still my dad.” Most of those who were in touch with their surrogate, spoke positively about her, but explained that they don’t see her as their mother. “Our relationship is a good one,” said Angela, “but I don’t talk to her like she’s my mum and she doesn’t talk to me like I’m her daughter”.

Some of the teenagers who were not in touch with their surrogate were interested in finding out about or even meeting her. Echoing some of the donor-conceived children, Ellen would like to know more about the woman who gave birth to her, “I really want to know who she is and meet her maybe”. Others wish to thank her: “Sometimes I think about it…. wanting to meet my birth mum. To say thanks for being my birth mum”. They would like to ask her why she decided to be a surrogate, whether she was happy about it, and how many other surrogacy children she has had.

Opponents of surrogacy have highlighted the potentially harmful consequences for surrogates’ own children. In order to investigate this issue, Vasanti Jadva and Susan Imrie conducted a study of children of surrogates to find out what they thought about their mother’s involvement in surrogacy[xi]. In contrast to the concerns that had been raised, they found that most were supportive and felt proud of their mother for helping a woman who was unable to have children herself. As Marie, 16, said: “I think it’s a really nice thing to do for someone. Obviously, if they can’t have children and they really want a child that’s a bad thing, so if someone else is able to do that for you and help you through it then it’s something that’s compassionate really.” Chloe, also 16, felt the same way, “I think it’s a brilliant thing. For someone to go through what my mum went through to make someone else happy, I think it’s just amazing how someone would do that for someone else”.

Conclusions

It is only by speaking to children directly that we can understand their perspectives. That is why it is important to include children’s voices in research on new family forms, and essential that we listen, and respond, to what they tell us. Children want teachers to understand that having LGBTQ parents isn’t a problem — it’s other people’s responses that can be the problem. Assisted reproduction involving genetic and / or gestational connections to people outside their immediate family creates additional issues for children. Some children have little interest in these people, others are curious and want to find out more, and yet others have a strong desire to meet them. Children born through sperm donation, egg donation and surrogacy, wish for open communication about matters that affect them.

Children say that the onus should be on schools to combat prejudice and discrimination against those whose families don’t fit the traditional family model. This can be challenging, as we saw in 2019, when protests against teaching children about families with same-sex parents erupted outside primary schools in Birmingham. The children in the Stonewall study told us how to do it. They said that teachers shouldn’t assume that everyone has a mum and dad; that different kinds of families should be talked about in school and included in lessons; that families like theirs should appear in the books that they read and the films that they see; and that schools should clamp down hard on homophobic bullying, something that doesn’t always happen. Children also say that it shouldn’t be left to them to explain their family to others. As well as wanting their voices to be heard, children want the right not to speak if they don’t wish to.

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[i] Golombok, S. (2015). Modern Families: Parents and Children in New Family Forms. Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.

[ii] Imrie, S. & Golombok, S. (2020). Impact of new family forms on parenting and child development. Annual Review of Developmental Psychology, 2. Doi.org/10.1146/annurev-devpsych-070220–122704.

[iii] Lamb, M. E. (2012). Mothers, Fathers, Families, and Circumstances: Factors Affecting Children’s Adjustment. Applied Developmental Science, 16(2), 98–111.

[iv] Golombok, S. (2020). We are family: What really matters for parents and children. London, UK: Scribe.

[v] Guasp, A., Statham, H. & Jennings, S. (2010) Different Families: The experiences of children with lesbian and gay parents. London: Stonewall.

[vi] Zadeh, S., Imrie, S. & Golombok, S. (2019). Stories of sameness and difference: The views and experiences of children and adolescents with a trans* parent. Journal of GLBT Family Studies. Doi.org/10.1080/1550428X.2019.1683785

[vii] Blake, L., Casey, P., Readings, J., Jadva, V. & Golombok, S. (2010) “Daddy ran out of tadpoles”: How parents tell their children that they are donor conceived, and what their 7-year-olds understand. Human Reproduction, 25(10), 2527–2534.

[viii] Blake, L., Casey, P., Jadva, V. & Golombok, S. (2014) “I was quite amazed”: Donor conception and parent-child relationships from the perspective of the child. Children and Society, 28(6), 425–437.

[ix] Zadeh, S., Ilioi, E., Jadva, V. & Golombok, S. (2018). The perspectives of adolescents conceived using surrogacy, egg or sperm donation. Human Reproduction, 33, №6, 1099–1106.

[x] Jadva, V., Freeman, T., Kramer, W. & Golombok, S. (2010) Experiences of offspring searching for and contacting their donor siblings and donor. Reproductive BioMedicine Online, 20, 523–532.

[xi] Jadva, V. & Imrie, S. (2014). Children of surrogate mothers: Psychological wellbeing, family relationships and experiences of surrogacy. Human Reproduction, 29(1), 90–96.