Loneliness
Finding love in the wrong places and yielding to God
I have observed my need for a companion becomes excessive during my monthly cycle, and being aware of this hormonal effect has not helped in dampening the intensity of this yen. Some months are less so, but at a time such as this: when my desire for this one man has set me on the path to religious reformation and when a friend, who was leaning into me, has suddenly begun to pull away because of a minor squabble — I am unable to hold it together.
Although I would like to think that I am unperturbed by this friend’s sudden indifference, I know I am hurt because this has made me question my ability to attract and keep a man, which I want desperately to learn.
I could not leave the comfort of my bed yesterday. I simply could not summon the right attitude. And when I awakened from the long hours of napping, I decided to listen to Voddie Baucham’s sermon on loneliness.
After listening to Baucham’s sermon, delivered in his usual forceful and resonant tone, I felt more lonely, so I turned to social media for succor. I was glad to find my friend online at about 1:00 am Nigerian time.
I’ve heard it said that trauma is not a good foundation for any relationship, but that’s exactly how we bonded. Our childhood experiences were so similar that we recognize and understand our adult struggles. When he asked how I was doing, I told him I needed a friendly hug, but that was putting it lightly.
Talking about it used to be embarrassing for me, but now I don’t feel as awkward. The problem is, it’s no longer as cathartic. I have become gravely aware of my inadequacy, and I am convinced I need a miracle.
You see, marriage no longer rings as an idea only desired by primitive and subservient women, and I’ve never been wooed for more than two months. I have, however, continued to reinvent new forms of obsessive, one-sided, codependent relationships—what Baucham refers to in Biblical Womanhood as the Greco-Roman myth.
And although I have known for a long time that love is indeed a choice, and have tried in recent times to cultivate friendships with this end in mind, I wound up attracted to someone outside of this friend circle.
I was obsessed with a narcissist for two years. He made it clear from the get-go that it was never going to be more than our initial arrangement — Friends with Benefits — yet I went on to lose my identity and self-worth seeking his approval and love. I believed him to be my twin flame, but he had no feeling for how messed up he left me every time he needed a fix.
I couldn’t call or text him without being teased and vilified, yet my heart would palpitate wildly in fear and anticipation when he texted after months of nothing. By the second year, I was deeply scarred, developing a fear of intimacy caused by all the pushing and pulling. I didn’t find men appealing anymore. Instead, I became a woman attracted to other women. This was before I met him.
My counselor is thorough, which means I dread our meetings. At my last appointment, I told her, with teary eyes, that my identity is unstable and largely determined by arbitrary events. She patiently informed me that it is normal to try out the identities of people closest to us, especially in the years leading up to my age, which is 26.
This is when a person begins to develop a stable and consistent identity. So, she assured me all was well and normal and we laughed off my comment about it being a possible symptom of a borderline disorder. Now I wonder if she might agree with me. Did she understand the extent of this identity change?
He was my academic coach for four months, a student himself. I took a liking to him on the first day we shook hands at the student advisement center. Before that, his first email to me had a respectful and comely aura and I looked forward to seeing him.
My admiration blossomed in those four months of meeting once a week. We talked about my classes and areas I was struggling with, my immediate and long-term goals, his time in service, and most often we talked about God. I found this side of him and his subtleness fascinating.
He exuded childlike exuberance on topics that interested him but somehow embodied a familiar sense of self-assurance. I really like him and I told him as much. Now I wish I never had because then we might still be friends.
After encouraging me in several emails to entrust myself in the care of the Lord and to love Him with all of my heart, he stopped replying to my emails. I was asking for more than the Christian love he was offering.
I die a little inside each time I think that I cannot have what I want. Will I ever meet the man of my dreams?
But I am awakening to another possibility — of life after death. Lately, I have been listening to Voddie Baucham and I feel an urgent need to rid myself of certain proclivities. Then again, I worry I’m only morphing into what this person may find attractive. However, I feel that this is the miracle I need. If I haven’t been able to sustain a romantic interest for longer than two months, then aligning with the will of God for me is my best option for finding contentment and peace.
