Blindsided
I’d played it all out. I had an outfit for every occasion. I had a plan for every scenario. I had an idea of what I would do when it was over. I spent so much time planning, seeing things happen in my head. I say to people, “ I’m a planner.” So when I found out I was pregnant with a little girl I was thinking, “this couldn’t have been planned more perfectly!” I have a son, soon to turn 5 after I would deliver this sweet baby girl. One of each gender. My family would be that typical 4 person family, one boy, one girl, happily ever after.
So as I packed up for my brief stay at the women’s pavilion, I planned outfits — hers and mine, I planned her pictures, I planned for my favorite treat post delivery. I planned.
Labor went perfect. Delivery went perfect. I was laughing as the doctor said something, my baby quietly crying as they cleaned her off for my first perfectly planned picture. My moments alone with her and my husband. Grateful, thankful, excited about the perfect start to her life with us. Couldn’t have been planned better.That’s where it all came crashing in. Everyone had left except our little threesome and two nurses finishing up. “Did you see this cleft palate?” the nurse called across the room to another nurse. Her lips looked perfect, what cleft was she talking about? It was like my ears were in an airplane. Air became thin. I instantly felt something crushing my chest. Tears immediately ran down my face.This was the moment. It felt disorganized, imperfect, unsettling, I had no clarity on my next steps. I was blurred and lost. I couldn’t see a scenario where this could be perfect. I couldn’t imagine or plan for my next steps. I had no idea how to respond or react. It was like being trapped in a glass box — alone, limited oxygen, and a feeling of despair because I can see out but I can’t see the way out.
My life changed that day. My initial reaction was to feel completely stupid. I felt like I had wasted so much time planning. I planned. In Job 17:11, Job summed up that moment for me in his own words: “My days have passed, my plans are shattered.” How had I found myself in that predicament? I hadn’t planned for this. My plans had completely shattered.
As I went through this first moment of my daughter’s life I forgot that Jesus was in it. I forgot that He plans too. Job continues, in verse 12, “… in the face of the darkness light is near.”
Proverbs reminds me, planning is good, as long as the commitment is focused on Jesus, as long as I understand the purpose isn’t mine, it’s His.
“Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans.”
“Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails.”
When I sat there blindsided by the news that was incomprehensible, I was challenged with my perspective on planning. Planning is good. It’s ok to make plans — as long as I know that His plan prevails. He reminds us in Jeremiah, “I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord…” While I had no idea or understanding of what was happening, Jesus did. While I had no concept of how to take a step in this new reality, Jesus knew how to direct me. While I sat there suffocating, Jesus was my Breath. For “it is the spirit in a person, the breath of the Almighty, that gives them understanding.”
I planned.
My future was forever changed and I didn’t realize it at the time, but Jesus was in the midst of it all. While the days ahead and the experiences I faced weren’t going to be pleasant or easy, Jesus and His Plans and His Purpose would become greater than anything I could have planned.
