Thinking of hosting a Ukrainian Refugee?

Here are some top tips on how to make it a success drawn from my own experience of hosting and of running a hosting charity in Oxford UK.

Photo by Efrem Efre, courtesy of Pixels.

• Consult your whole household in advance to make sure everyone is happy to host (including children) before deciding to go for it.
• Initially it is very helpful to establish ground rules (e.g. whether the Ukrainian (hereafter called the guest) can have a key, how to lock up, can they have visitors/relatives to stay or visit, do they need to be in by a certain time, should they tell you if they aren’t coming back at night, what cooking arrangements/sharing meals you want, what you expect from them in terms of cleaning up, can they use the phone/computer/fridge/TV etc. It is helpful also to set an outside limit on how long you are willing for them to stay (start with a trial period — you can always extend it if you decide to). Clarity up front saves a lot of problems later.
• If the person doesn’t speak much English, then use translating devices (e.g. google translate — often helpful although not fool-proof!) and, if at all possible, line up an interpreter you can contact by phone in case there is a major thing that needs translating. When speaking to someone with limited English speak slowly using simple words (this may sound obvious but some people just raise their voices). Do keep checking the person understands (many nod when they don’t). Don’t nod politely yourself if you don’t understand.
• Don’t be afraid to ask basic questions — e.g. how do I pronounce your name, when/how do you like to eat, are there foods you can’t eat, is there anything about you living here we need to know about, how should I greet you etc. Almost all placements have misunderstandings and some break down as a result- so address tensions by discussion rather than by making assumptions. It is fine to be curious though some guests want to talk about their trauma and some don’t. You may need to set a time aside for those that do (so that it doesn’t flood out your lives), and respect those that don’t. They have their reasons, it isn’t personal to you, and they may come round to it. Be aware that they will probably have had many officials asking them to go through the details of what has happened to them. It can be re-traumatising to keep going over this and they may feel obliged to do so with you even though they don’t want to. So be sensitive to whether people want to talk about their experiences or not (despite how curious you may be!)
• If at all possible, give the guest their own room and don’t enter it without invitation. People usually need time to build trust and feel safer, and having their own space helps with this. They may be nervy around big noises.
• Avoid rash promises — ‘you can stay indefinitely’, ‘I’ll pay your legal costs’, ‘I’ll always be here for you’.
• Be aware of cultural differences — e.g. some meats may be taboo, vegetarianism may be incomprehensible, a surprising number of refugees are frightened of pets, including cats and small dogs, some may want to wear the veil, some may be appalled at nakedness or scanty dressing, some may not say please and thank you (though this doesn’t mean they aren’t grateful). Some guests may assume gender inequality around household tasks (so this may need to be addressed in your ground rules). Guests may need help with public transport and reassurance about our police and the local area.
• Keep clear boundaries. You don’t need to be a bottomless pit of generosity — there are other resources out there. It isn’t a crime to say you need separate time for yourself/your family.
• If possible, ask a wise friend to be there for you with support if you hit difficult patches.
• Think about resources in the community and how you can support refugees to access these, e.g., GP, schools etc. It can be helpful to enable your guest to connect with others from their culture/language group. But be aware that there can be subcultures who may not want to mix! Depending on your guest, it may be useful to find out about any religious groups who meet (for example, thinking of Ukrainians, there may be churches who host orthodox services, house churches), where is the nearest place they might be able to buy familiar foods? This may seem a small thing but can be a significant source of comfort.
• Do not under any circumstances give legal advice (it may in any case be illegal to do so unless you are qualified — this is certainly the case in the UK) Immigration law is now extremely complex and constantly changing and the wrong advice can have disastrous consequences. Try to connect the guest to a good immigration solicitor (they can be hard to find) or a relevant advice centre.
• Contact a refugee hosting organisation for advice and support. There are many dedicated charities that support the hosting of refugees throughout Europe.
• Remember it isn’t all one way. Do accept, if at all possible, gestures of kindness such as offers to help around the house and garden, cooking meals etc. Hosting someone can be a rich symbiotic experience and moving lifelong friendships can result.