Paper Straws, Though?

Now, I like turtles just as much as the next guy…

… but seriously? This is the best we could come up with?

First of all: turtles are great. Really. I once dated a girl who was quite literally enamored of turtles. It was hands down the coolest answer to the “what would your career be if you could do anything” question. Without hesitation, her response was: “I would work for wildlife rescue, go scuba diving, and save sea turtles.”

I feel like it’s important to illuminate the fact that we didn’t break up because I disagreed and screamed “FUCK TURTLES, GOOD LUCK” as I dropped her off. We broke up for other, less reptilian reasons.

Also, a turtle once told me to “never pay full price for late pizza” and I extrapolated this advice as a deep metaphor to never settle for less than you deserve. Fantastic words of wisdom.

There you have it, proof that I’m not a turtle hater.

“I ain’t got no quarrel with them [turtles]” — Muhammad Ali

Moving onward, I saw the video of the turtle with a plastic straw stuck up his/her nose (see, I’m even respecting turtle pronoun preferences) and it was horrific…