Fall in Love with Heart Break
“How could you?” This is all I could manage, choking back tears and emotions. Four years running through my eyes. He is breaking up with me over an email. An email. But this was not a casual relationship. I deserve more than an email. Yes, it is hassle-free and you can avoid all teary-eyed emotions, sure.
I wanted closure, so I called. He met someone over the internet and it was love at first sight. He is head over heels for her. This leaves me with heartbreak and memories of a good 4 years. We were good together; we were great together. We could finish each other’s sentences and read each other minds, recognize changes in the mood just with voice. It felt safe and happy with him. But he met someone, and he realized what we have or had is not enough. This is the charm of love-at-first-sight.
I cut the call saying “when you realize your mistake, call me”. I never looked back, at least I tried.
I felt how a depressed person feel. Every day I wake up, put some makeup, go to the office, and work. Answer people how are you doing and then leave. Come back home, sit, and cry until you sleep. I started with the denial phase (soon he will call, this is just an awful dream) to angry (how dare he reject me over some girl?) to being drunk (sober time only 9 am — 7 pm). All this while, I did not realize the reason behind me being upset. Was it the end of 4 years of courtship? Or the feeling of being cheated? Or I was lonely or something deep down with no name or origin.
I settled with the fact that I am lonely because I was too scared to admit anything else. I didn’t want to think; I wanted to run from this moment. When your partner cheats or, let me rephrase, chooses someone over you (how rational or irrational it seems), it blows off your self-esteem. Deep down all your insecurities crawl back to the surface. For me it was worst, I started envying every other couple who were happy. Other relationships also gave me insecurity like my friendships. Though they stick with me in the worse situation, I was in a parallel universe where everyone is plotting against me.
His betrayal not only shook me to the core but also made it difficult for me to trust anyone else. This is the thing with a relationship, and I am no expert, but when you show someone your vulnerable side, you trust this person completely. We complicate life, and we make it more complicated with bitter betrayals. Yes, I was not in the situation. He was a loyal partner until now. I never doubted him, because he never gave me a reason. But it happened and changed my life. She must be special, beautiful, and vibrant. Everything that I am not.
This is the major drawback of a heartbreak I faced. Every positive vibe in me died, and it left me with a huge irreplaceable mark on my self-esteem. I started comparing myself with every other being, frustrating. You cannot compete with everyone. Life became a vicious circle of regrets piled up with grim decisions. Do you think it is easy for anyone to live in the past and not open their eyes to the present? Or live in a what-if crisis from the moment your eyes open. I did this to myself. My career was on the boom, I got a raise and a nice promotion. For everyone around, I was a catch, but in my eyes, I was not. Envy in me craved a dismal place inside me and it started affecting me. I was ignoring all signs. All I desired was a minor comfort and didn’t want to be lonely.
To save myself from this miserable situation, I searched for a rebound. It’s easy. Locate a nice shoulder to cry on who is also getting over someone. We were a match and a hit. It was nice, but it was not what I was looking for. It cannot recreate the intimacy which I have experienced. This left me with more questions than answers. When I was trying to run away from one problem, I created many more. Sure you can try many more options, there are many options available with original labels. This is the same when you try to recreate your childhood memories in modern times, you fail miserably. I was in a similar situation with a silver lining.
All gurus (Friends, Family, and Colleagues) started giving me advice — Yoga, power yoga, meditation, Solo trips. All I needed was a rational mind and peace. I wanted to take off from work, but could not. Adults have bills to pay and clothes to buy. When you are already feeling alone and work is your only solace, you cannot take off from work. Slowly I was gaining mental stability, but now and then I will zone out to a parallel universe or to past times.
My routine became morning wake up and dash to work, return late from work with takeouts in hands. I will put on Friends on Comedy Central, laugh a bit, and then switch to any other sitcoms. This will continue until I cry hysterically and drift to sleep. I maintained a respectful distance from him. Neither he contacted me nor I thought of calling him. He must be happy and I was not ready to blow off my self-esteem more.
After a while, tear ducts were empty, and the pity phase finally ended. I understood with my failing health that if this continues there will be no me. I cannot let him win again. All I could think about is putting him down. There was hatred filled in me. I was bitter and sulking at the same time. I decided I will say yes to the next prospect that will come to me. A rebound is necessary. If I can’t forget memories, I will drown them in fresh memories. I changed my apartment, my look, the entire wardrobe, and my perspective.
“You look gorgeous.” I have to. I spent time in front of a mirror. When you have tainted self-esteem, a little makeup and a makeover help you. This will not lift your broken self, but this will give you the confidence to stand before others. I was ready to go out and make memories. Why not? It’s not like he is coming back. Is he? He never tried to contact me. Never. I cannot let myself fall. It’s easy to continue to be vulnerable and let others see your weakness. I smiled, blushed, listening to his praises to me. People are noticing me. A merry dance for me.
I started a new hobby, running. I hate running. To run, I have to get up, get ready, and then go out. This new me wanted to try running. I woke up, locked my door, and started my first run. With blasting music in my ears, I started running. It was refreshing. I have no stamina; I agreed after running for 10 minutes. I was struggling to breathe, drenched in sweat, saw in front of me a wide road stretching for miles.
With determination, I started again and after almost 20 minutes came to a halt and sat on a bench. People were walking in this park, and kids were playing. It looked like any other morning, painted like a scene in front of me. I was gazing and trying to absorb this moment in my mind. This is peace. It scared me to be alone and lonely. I was scared to be alone. Aren’t we all afraid? So we settle for anything less, which looks appealing. I can take this as an opportunity to bond with me.
Giving myself time to heal and recognizing the heartache for genuine reason gave me a breath of fresh air. It was relaxing, calming, and brought life back in me. Now I am ready for a new beginning, an era that will be on my terms. I will write my own rules and follow them with my heart.
That day sitting on a park bench I realized how much I was lonely, but yet I was OK. I will be OK. because I met myself.
I got his call. I was with the family celebrating my Father’s birthday. I took his call, and I was in perfect harmony. There was no bitterness, no envy, and no swearing. Because I was happy. I don’t need anyone else to be happy. I am content.
