How to Gain Inner Peace in 13 Steps
Part of a customized 7-year ongoing project of self-realization.
Useful tips and tricks to gaining inner peace sooner than I did. The sole purpose of this piece is to help you understand how you can become more balanced and consequently live the best life.
1. Focus your attention
Focus your full attention on exactly what you are doing/what is going on. Are you washing the dishes? Then examine the detergent bubbles, watch your hands move slowly (a bit slower than you usually would), smell, touch, etc. I usually count the moves I make or the breaths I take while washing the dishes so that my monkey mind doesn’t jump from one thought to the other making it impossible for the experience to be fully perceived and enjoyed. Concentrate on concentrating rather than rejecting thoughts as they arise.
2. Stop gossiping
This was the first task I assigned to myself sometime in 2013. Did it trigger my becoming more aware of all my actions, or was it the other way around? As I was becoming more aware of my actions, I stopped gossiping?
If you start controlling yourself when you speak about a person who is not present, you soon realize that you get “patted on your back” by your own conscience. The more you gain control over yourself instead of the world around you, the more you like yourself and become content yet feel the need to progress every day. As Lao Tzu put it: “He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still.”
3. Be there before it happens
It sounds impossible, but with practice in becomes the way you act in your daily life. The process/time between the moment a thought is formed and the order was given by the brain that materializes in a certain action is something we cannot control or follow. Most of the time we are on automatic pilot, and we don’t know why we do the things we do, think specific thoughts or feel in a certain way. I wrote about automatic pilot and self-control here. So, the amazing life-altering event occurs when you experience acting while being aware of the acting process for the first time. It took me 7 years to be able to acknowledge why and what I am doing in a mindful way, applying presencing almost 80% of the day. (Un)fortunately, some of the side effects that set in very early are: the need to meditate alone, moving more slowly than usual, speaking less, quitting entertainment of any kind (binge-watching series, smoking, alcohol), slowly letting go of all activities that are not part of your self-work, looking younger yet becoming wiser, etc.
4. Meditate. All the time.
I know, I know, meditation is so popular these days it sounds like a trend or a way to become lit. Well, meditating can be done everywhere. It does not necessarily mean sitting facing a wall in zazen (which I also enjoy greatly, but do not recommend unless you decide to give it a try as part of your own self-development program). To put it simply, it means harnessing your thoughts until there are no thoughts. My first attempts at short meditation (mostly during a yoga class), were what we call “failures.” However, the very intense sexual thoughts, the shopping list, the hate and remorse, the good and bad memories that were coming in waves while sitting in silence started fading away. Then my mind became quiet. Three years later I was riding on a beam of light and growing lotuses in my chest. After seven years of more or less intense work, I can sit and intently think of almost nothing that triggers emotion or torment. I meditate when I drive paying attention to how I change the gears (yes, old school lady driver), how the red lights change into green, what people are wearing, what the weather is like. You may think that sitting on a cushion and driving have nothing in common. You would be surprised. Try to be aware of what is going on during both activities in the same way, with the same pleasure and drive.
5. Have a guru. Then drop them.
You cannot truly know or appreciate something unless you also experience the opposite. You know you are happy when you are not unhappy. You like yourself better now because you lost weight and you hated the old fat you. To paraphrase Alan Watts: your enemies show you how great you are, so thank God for the enemies.
Gurus are here to guide us to ourselves. Just like parents and teachers, gurus play a role in our lives. They are not perfect, we will probably never become perfect either, but we become a better version of ourselves while “serving” our time with a spiritual teacher. They also had their teachers. The first teacher had a teacher. God has a teacher he reveres, for sure. But none of the students is a mere copy of their teacher. You all fly from the nest and do your own thing. You owe it to yourself to acquire knowledge until you become a majestic eagle flying solo.
6. Forget your likes and dislikes
The duality of our minds is the system that helps us process and understand the world. The challenge to drop judgment and dividing things into good-bad, pleasant-unpleasant is huge. I still catch myself saying: I love coffee (which I do.) The great thing about not categorizing is that you can use your energy creating non-judgmental stuff such as art, writing, even just reading. The day I realized my back pain was just “a thing happening”, not something good or bad, was the day my pain started to subside.
7. Trust your body to free your mind and vice versa
I used to push myself to work harder than anyone else in the office. I used to stay awake at night to finish writing books, articles, translate or learn about new methods of teaching languages. I was a study freak and my body paid the toll. My spine became stiffer, and my yoga classes became useless. My mind was always obsessing over a task and I frequently skipped breakfast and lunch. Sleep was a luxury. This went on for about two years.
In November 2018, while I was arduously practicing mindfulness at almost no avail (yet), I went on the keto diet. The change in my body was radical: in two weeks I had no heartburn, lost 11 kg, I had better skin, hair, etc. Along with the changes in my body came the change in my innermost state, my balance, and energy. I was meditating almost all day doing chores or teaching alike, and I could sense my body joining the “Hallelujah!” of my meditative and reflection powers. It was all coming together, mind and body, body and mind, all in a beautiful dance of harmony.
8. Trust another
Until a few years ago I used to be a control freak. I would literally plan everything, every day, every moment, every trip, every thought almost. I wanted to be in control and have the appropriate reaction already in store before anything happened. I experienced fear all day long and I lived imagining paranoid scenarios about almost everything and beyond.
As a natural consequence of the ban of any form of worship or religion in communist Romania (except the worship for our leader, Nicolae Ceausescu, of course), when I was 6 I was already hooked on Christianity (we had a Bible hidden in our home.) Heart throbbing and pounding, I would take out the Gospel and read about Jesus. I was Jesus, I was helping and saving. Again, I was only 6 and I believed in this. After our 1989 revolution, when we became free of the communist regime, bans were lifted, and we became more American than Americans. So, I started reading SF, books about Tibetan monks, Shaolin and their superpowers. Then I became Bruce Lee. Lately, I have been through my Alan Watts period.
From the age of 6 until this very day I trusted blindly all that was contained in a book. Even cognitively dissonant concepts did not stop me. I trusted what I liked, what I was attracted to, contradicting my own rule no 6 above. Although I am not a guru, I am someone you should dump after reading this article.
I have trusted. Been disappointed? Too many times. But once rule no 6 settles in, you stop seeing disappointment as a non-success. It is just something happening, no judgment attached.
The next step is trusting another completely, not hoping that things will turn out right, but not hoping for anything at all.
I trust you, the person who reads this to feel the thrill I am feeling now, writing this piece for you. I trust that the process of working on myself and my dedication to my fellow humans will bring more peace and harmony in relationships and communities all over the world.
I also trust the other driver in traffic, the pilot of the plane and the waiter who brings my food. I trust the Universe to bring exactly what I need my way, in order to become the best version of myself. Do I trust God? During one of my meditations, a long time ago, I received a divine message: “We are God’s thought.” I was not aware of the power of thought or intent at that time. That was my message, and I trust it. Put your life in the hands of another, and you will experience the amazement of a little child reaching his eyes to the sky for the first time.
9. Stop assigning meaning to everything
This was a big one for me, just like gossip. It was big, yet a little easier, as I attended NLP trainings and I learned how much of our existence is just modeling and patterns. I snapped out of my “old ways” pretty fast, as I had been inclined to ponder and love organized anarchy from a young age.
The process was quite tiring, though. Every time I was drawing a conclusion about something, I would explore the reasons behind my judgment and then strip the pure experience off the biases and preconceptions I had been passed on by every human around me. I was very young when I refused to be called by the name chosen by my parents. I refused to join the Communist Youth Organization, I refused to receive higher grades than my classmates who had studied harder than me but had trouble remembering things as quickly as I did.
Whatever you know today is probably not true. Start examining everything. Refuse to watch television, turn off the news completely. Treat yourself with soothing music, baths, and a book, not with binge activities like drinking and Netflix series. I promise you, in a few months you will actually see a lot more than before, with your own eyes, not someone else’s.
10. Look at the other person as if they were you
Yes, look at the other person as if they were you. And while looking at them, switch places and try to see yourself through their eyes. Something magical happens then. A bit frightening at first, but so deep and meaningful. Sam Harris explains this experience in Waking Up.
The question to ask yourself is: “Who and what is this person my friend sees and listens to?”
11. Have goals and then detach yourself from them
You want a better house, a better job, a better girlfriend or boyfriend. You want more time or more money or both. It is ok to want anything as long as it does not harm another.
I wanted to found a language school. I grew up in communist Romania, so when I was young, there were no private companies or entrepreneurs around. Nevertheless, at the age of nineteen, I was reading foreign books about entrepreneurship and I was writing my business plan for a school named “VIP” (my maiden name was Viviana Palade, so nice coincidence.) It was childish and poor at first, but as years went by it became more real for me. It took eight years for the school to become real, but my dream materialized. Here it is.
I guess you need to want something badly and then detach from it in a constructive non-passive way. Too much wanting brings disaster. Not wanting at all brings the abyss. You cannot live in a world of complete detachment, as your reality is built on the idea of avoiding death at any cost. Imagine you are completely detached from everything. Suicide is the likely next step. And beings don’t do that. Life is a gift you need to protect.
12. Slow down
George Petre is one of the people who helped me greatly on my path to understanding who I am. I wrote about him in a post about honesty. His striking honesty manifested in a moment when most of the spiritual teachers react differently made me open to his teachings in an elegant and soulful way. In a tête-à-tête, he told me: “Next time you get into your car, pause for a second before you turn the key in the ignition. Do it slowly. And be aware of what is going on.” My rule no 3 above also derives from this simple yet valuable piece of advice.
There is a plethora of concepts related to the idea of slowing down and becoming aware; the modern slow living and downshifting, Patanjali’s Samyama and the Chinese Wu wei are timeless ways of attaining maximum human potential.
13. Cook
I started helping my Granny in the kitchen when I was six. I could clean a plate for an hour, deeply immersed in the activity. I enjoyed long, tedious tasks. I still do. There is no better teacher than observing boredom. When you are bored you tell yourself you are not enough, that you need external stimuli to entertain your mind. Think twice before you say “I am bored.” There is no one more interesting and with whom you have more familiarity than yourself.
Many years ago I caught myself counting the pieces or cubes of vegetables or meat while cutting them. It was strange, however, it felt like I was immersing in the activity in a more powerful way. When I started attending yoga classes, the teachers encouraged us to count the breaths in meditation. Voila! Sometimes the mind knows better what it has to do in order to keep itself focused. You can say that counting breathes or meat cubes is a waste of time and you are right about that if you don’t wish to challenge yourself and gain clarity and inner peace. And yes, health, prosperity, great friends and partners can be cultivated by focusing your attention on the “doer” and becoming more of an “observer” of actions and thoughts.
Conclusion:
The 13 activities that helped me examine the world one occurrence at a time are:
1. Focus your attention
2. Stop gossiping
3. Be there before it happens
4. Meditate. All the time.
5. Have a guru. Then drop them.
6. Forget your likes and dislikes
7. Trust your body to free your mind and vice versa
8. Trust another
9. Stop assigning meaning to everything
10. Look at the other person as if they were you
11. Have goals and then detach yourself from them
12. Slow down
13. Cook
We are the sole genuine experts in ourselves. And we only talk about what we still lack, as I demonstrated here.
But once we start examining the world with love in our hearts, we discover we are all the same, we are all connected, we are all one big family.
I am writing this piece to reach out to all of you, to show you that there is someone in Bucharest, Romania thinking about how she can help. I am conquering my fears and preconceptions one day at a time. Join me in my effort to bring inner peace to as many humans as possible. We need it.
Please leave your story in the comments section. Let’s connect!
