A Mad Libs Approach to 4 Romantic Comedies Buttressed by Lady Gaga’s Empowering “Born This Way”
It’s almost as if these films don’t require a writer capable of coherent thought.
Love Unintentionally, Maybe, Probably
Ensemble cast ahoy! No fewer than 26 up-and-coming, on-the-cusp-of-fame Hollywood studs and starlets grace the movie poster for this delightful Valentine’s Day blockbuster. All the characters are fresh-faced and falling in love with one another; or will fall in love; or are falling down on top of one another and getting all tangled up and cute—because that’s comedy! Written by someone inspired by Richard Curtis.
The Pitch
Lady Gaga’s tour de force empowerment track “Born This Way” would anchor an emotional montage in Act 3, directly following the low point where all appears lost for [the main] character. [Her boyfriend left] and [her] rough, independent exterior is frazzled by the fact that [her exotic NYC lotus flower delivery service] is faltering. However, thanks to the support of [her lovable, gay friend Gary] and welcome comic relief from [her dog that acts like a human], [she] picks [herself] up and becomes a [leading lotus flower distributor in NYC]. As the montage unfolds we witness [the main character] mature by [pruning flowers, doing yoga, and wearing glasses in a business setting]. [She] doesn’t need [her crappy boyfriend] anymore, and neither do we! Later on, a last-minute cameo by Lady Gaga [(who is buying flowers for a costume)] saves [the flower shop] with a free, impromptu concert.
Cast: Everyone from Gossip Girl, Bruce Willis, Kim Kardashian, and Jennifer Aniston.
Shaken and Stirred
Inspired by a true story.
Jacyn Jones and Jessica “Jessie” MacAdams, two rebellious New York City teachers fired for hooking up in a classroom after hours, find what they think is a new beginning as bartenders at NYC’s hottest lounge, DOMA. Unfortunately, getting laid off creates tension, which audiences love, and forces the women to confront how frayed their “on the rocks” relationship has become.
The Pitch
Lady Gaga’s tour de force empowerment track “Born This Way” would anchor an emotional montage in Act 3, directly following the low point where all appears lost for [the Jacyn Jones] character. [Jessie’s left] and [Jacyn’s] rough, independent exterior is frazzled by the fact that [DOMA] is faltering. However, thanks to the support of [her artsy friend Trudy] and welcome comic relief from [her endearing, mentally challenged friend Gus], [she] picks herself up and becomes a [stronger, better person]. As the montage unfolds we witness [Jacyn] mature by [mountain climbing, running in a park and taking orders at DOMA without writing them down]. She doesn’t need [Jessie] anymore, and neither do we! Later on, a last-minute cameo by Lady Gaga [(asking for directions on the way to her show)] saves [DOMA] with a free, impromptu concert.
Cast: Blake Lively, a very mature Emma Watson, James van der Beek as Gus, and Jennifer Aniston.
May Day
Like asteroid disaster flicks and CGI movies about talking animals, ensemble rom-com movies always come in pairs. One is inevitably heartwarming, funny and mature; the other heartwarming, funny and profitable. This is the unprofitable one.
The Pitch
Lady Gaga’s tour de force empowerment track “Born This Way” would anchor an emotional montage in Act 3, directly following the low point where all appears lost for [the workaholic main] character. [His wife cheated on him] and [his] rough, independent exterior is frazzled by the fact that [his Soho art gallery can’t land a famous mystery artist’s new painting. Business] is faltering. However, thanks to the support of [his ball-busting best friend] and welcome comic relief from [someone portly resembling Zach Galifianakis], [he] picks [himself] up and becomes a [leading art dealer in Soho anyway because his chubby friend’s “beard paintings” are an unexpected hit with hipsters]. As the montage unfolds we witness [the workaholic] mature by [smiling at random women we never get to know; buying art for himself for a change; and spelunking]. [He] doesn’t need [his cheating wife] anymore, and neither do we! Later on, a last-minute cameo by Lady Gaga [(who was actually the mystery artist all along!)] saves [the gallery] with a free, impromptu concert.
Cast: Matt Rufalo, Jennifer Gardner, someone from network TV, a subdued Russell Brand, and Jennifer Aniston.
You’ve Gotta Be Kidding Me
Jack Nicholson, Alec Baldwin, James Caan, and any leading man over 50 still lighting furnaces in Baby Boomers’ loins play a cadre of crusty, womanizing stiffs with repressed hearts of gold. Should they survive to see the end of film production, each will star opposite a bespectacled Diane Lane, Diane Feinstein, and Diane Keaton.
The Pitch
Lady Gaga’s tour de force empowerment track “Born This Way” would anchor an emotional montage in Act 3, directly following the low point where all appears lost for [the 65-yr-old lead] character. [Her man walked out after a fight related to a retirement community] and [her] rough, independent exterior is frazzled by the fact that [her latest bestseller is a dud and her twilight career] is faltering. However, thanks to the support provided by [Jennifer Aniston (playing herself)] and welcome comic relief from [their ancient, foul-mouthed neighbor Rosie], [she] picks [herself] up and becomes a [leading self-help expert writing books about aging gracefully]. As the montage unfolds we witness [a makeup-free heroine] mature by [walking on a beach in a cardigan, shopping for organic groceries and laughing with Jennifer Aniston while the two make dough using a Kitchen-Aid mixer]. She doesn’t need [her uncaring, wrinkled beau] anymore, and neither do we! Later on, a last-minute cameo by Lady Gaga [(who is the retirement community’s water aerobics instructor)] saves [the day] with a free, impromptu concert.
Cast: Clint Eastwood, Diane Keaton, Betty White, and Jennifer Aniston (uncredited).
This article was rejected by McSweeney’s in February 2011. In hindsight, this was a solid decision on their part.
