By Jack Loftus
Hello everyone! Thanks for joining me in the ROI BUZZQUBE, our client facing, real-time marketing analytics nerve center. Beautiful space, isn’t it? Just beautiful. One day, international holding company willing, we may even take it off the video loop we use to fool clients into thinking it works, and connect it to the Internet.
Now, as those of you who weren’t let go on Friday know, we’ve completed annual reviews, and that means promotions! So what we wanted to do was highlight a few of those and then get everyone back to ideating for our clients ASAP. Sound good? Great!
First up: Manny. Manny reads Fast Company. He shops at Fab.com, even for groceries. He sports a haircut that’s one step ahead of the next New York Times Sunday Magazine men’s grooming trend piece. Branding visionary behavior all around. So when a guy like that tells me the agency isn’t “ideating with energy,” I turn off my marketing BS buzzword detector and hand him the reigns. It’s hard to argue with a man who has that many TechCrunch Disrupt stickers on his MacBook Air, you know? Effective today, Manny is Chief Ideation Officer. If you have any questions, Manny’s got this proof-of-concept Apple Keynote deck that ideates as he’s presenting it, and — wow, would you look at that? Manny’s got the thing running on his iPhone 6 Plus. Fantastic.
Next up is Tonya, the fiery millennial marketing savant we hired to meet diversity quotas and make our agency web site look friendlier toward women. Tonya’s title is now a series of random emoji symbols. The symbols will change every time she Snapchats branded, sexualized content on behalf of our financial clients. If I could verbalize emojis I would, Tonya, but for now an admittedly plebeian “congrats J” sent via iMessage will have to do.
Our blossoming social media guru, Judy, is now CRMDWAFOVTOBIPO, or Chief Remind Me, Do We Add Fades or Vignettes to Our Branded Instagram Posts? Officer. Judy barely knows the difference between “Direct Message” and “Retweet,” and recently broke up with her boyfriend using a client’s corporate Facebook Page, but we feel this bleeding edge behavior is better than most social media experts, so she got the nod. Just wait until you see what the Friendly’s Twitter account has to say about fasting during Ramadan. You’re in for a real treat.
As for Carl — where’s Carl? Not here? Typical! Probably shredding the gnar in SoCal again, that wild man. So wild! Anyway, if you know Carl, you know he was born to be Director, Xtreme Xperiences. As DXX, Carl will leverage his Red Bull YouTube channel subscriber experience and enhance our creative brainstorm sessions with quips like, “you know, just like Red Bull does,” or, “put a GoPro on it,” or, “let’s add some drones, brah.” And at that point we’ll table whatever revenue-generating idea we were kicking around and do what Carl says instead.
On Monday, Ron becomes the Chief Buzzword Creation & Compliance Officer. Anything we’re using to intimidate clients and goose agency fees will flow like a river of extraneous, fabricated marketing diarrhea right through Ron. Quick, Ron, tell me: what are the Top 11 Ways We’re Using the Phrase “Opportunity Planning” to Sell Skittish Clients On Bloated, Super-Expensive Content Executions? HA! Just kidding, Ron. We all know you wrote that list as part of an internal agency-wide strategy memo last month.
And finally, on a minor housekeeping note, Sarah, Harry and George were let go this weekend for being over 40.
Now get back to it, people! Let’s ideate — with energy!